Desires closet to our hearts are the ones that remain unspoken
Last night while I was sleeping I saw my mom. She was lying beside me and there was this bright, warm glow around her. She was cuddling me and kissing me on my nose. This kept repeating over and over again until I suddenly woke up. I know it must have been a dream but it just felt so real that I tried going back to sleep so I could see and feel her again but no such luck.
Since I couldn't get back to sleep I got up and decided to watch some TV, it was a little over 3am. One would think that having a satellite with over 400 channels there would be something good to watch on TV. All I could find was infomercial after infomercial: a guy selling an encyclopedia full of medical cures that the government doesn't want you to know about, some sort of stick you use to exercise with that guarantees you to lose up to 10lbs in the first week, and some company selling parcels of land I believe somewhere in Florida. I flipped around some more channels and came across Teletoon Retro and found Scooby Doo.
It was the episode called, Jeepers, It's The Creeper! As the meddling kids were setting up at trap for the Creeper, I remembered an email I received the other day but I had yet to answer. The question: Why do people get into the drug business? The answer is simple. It's one word, five letters, starts with "M" and ends with "Y." MONEY!!!! Money is the motivation. Imagine walking into a Porsche dealership and pointing to 5 different cars to the salesman and telling him you'll be paying cash for all of them. Spending 20grand a month on clothes you'll only wear once. Dining in the most expensive restaurants, ordering the most expensive foods and drinks. Owning property and real estate around the world, clearing out the jewelery shelves at H. Stern, having 2 private jets, one for domestic use and the other for international. It's literally endless what drug money can buy you. And it's never enough. A few years ago I attended a house-warming party thrown by a Drug Kingpin. He purchased a magnificent villa situated in Costa Rica. It's a very small country but very beautiful. Everything is so lush and green. Half-way through the party I had to step outside because I honestly thought I was going to pass out from all the cigarette and cigar smoke. It was so cloudy I thought I was floating among the clouds. I believe I was the only one there who wasn't smoking. Anyways, outside as my lungs began to breathe in the exotic clean Costa Rican air the host of the party came out and we started talking. He was pointing to an area of land on his property and showing me where his helicopter landing was going to be and where his airport hangar was going to be constructed to fit his two new black and silver jets. I then asked him a question, 'aren't you afraid that one day your dynasty will crumble?' He laughed while shaking his head and replied, 'do you know how I got so big?' I already knew the answer but I wanted to hear it straight from a Drug Kingpin's mouth. "Money has a way of corrupting people, even those who are suppose to enforce the law: police, DEA, custom officials, judges, lawyers, mayors and even high government officials are all paid to look the other way. How else do you think tons and tons of narcotics enter into their country? Everybody's got their hand out. Everybody's got a price. No one can so no to drug money. They never complain because they know not to bite the hand that feeds them. All of them are way into deep and they know if I fall, I'm going to take each and everyone of them down with me. They don't have a choice, they have to protect me because I know all their secrets. They can't touch me. I then asked him another question, 'you have enough money to live 10 or more lifetimes over. Why don't you just retire and let someone else take over the reigns?' He stared right into my eyes and replied, "I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. The money, you get so high off of it. You make 10 million in one month, you want to make 20 million the next. You make 20 million, you want 30 million. You make 30 million you want 40 million. It's never enough. He then turned around and asked me a question. "Do you believe money is the root of all evil?" "No," I replied. "I believe the lack of money is the root of all evil."
I hope the above answers your question.
It's been such an emotional week for me. I just feel so emotionally drained. When my mom became ill, even though it killed me inside watching her be in so much pain, I couldn't let it show. I had to be the strong one because I knew if I fell apart in front of her she would abandon all hope for herself so I forced myself not to show or feel any type of pain. I remember the times when she use to wake up in the middle of the night crying and asking why this was happening to her? As much as I wanted to cry with her I didn't. I smiled and kissed away her tears and kept on insisting she was going to beat the illness and come out a winner. Everyday I was the one who kept her strong by keeping myself strong by not letting fear or negativity come into me. The last 6 months of her life were spent in and out hospitals for painful treatments and tests, appointments with specialists and listening to them all say she only had a few months to live since there were no other options available. Even through all that I kept a brave face and remained optimistic offering encouraging and uplifting words every second of the day in order to keep my mom's spirits alive and because of that a hard coat of armor began growing on my skin. During the end my mom was hospitalized because she couldn't walk or breathe on her own anymore. I was still by her side 24/7 holding her hand and letting her know she would be back home soon in no time making an appointment at the spa for her mani/pedi. She would just smile back at me. I remember a few of the nurses and a few other people who had their loved ones on the same floor as my mom, they would come up to me and ask, 'how do you do it? How do you manage to stay so cheerful and upbeat?' 'She's my mom,' I would reply, 'she'd do the same for me.' It was such a simple answer but they couldn't comprehend how I managed to stay so strong.
Presently there are days when my radio alarm clock goes off and I just want to stay under the covers. But I don't. I force myself to be strong so I can face another day. Even though I do consider myself a tough person who doesn't care about what people say or think about me, there are those days when that certain someone will something so unkind and so unjustified to me that it sends me flying straight across the room, slamming me against the wall. As tough as I am I'm not a robot either. I'm a human being with feelings just like everyone else. I'm so tired of always having to be so strong and so brave. Sometimes I wish I could just have the comfort of knowing that if I fall there will be someone there to catch me and then embrace me and assure me everything is going to be o.k.......Yeah, that's what I want.
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
