Cocaine Princess here.
I sent a text to sister when I was finished eating. Although she said she would be done shopping by the time I was finished my nuggets, she wasn’t and I knew she wouldn’t be. She was still lingering in the food area, aisle 3 to be precise– where the salad dressing was located. Getting there from where I was, was more or less like an obstacle course and by the time I was done I should have been awarded some type of medal. I was wearing open toed sandals and did my best avoiding a kid who thought it would be a good idea to test out a bike by riding it around the bakery section. By the grace of the pedicure Gods my toes remained unharmed. On more than one occasion I was shoulder checked without an apology whatsoever and I nearly tripped over a basket filled with miscellaneous items that someone decided to leave in the middle of the aisle. My mistake for not looking down at the ground while walking, right? I finally made it to sister and said:
ME: Ah-ha, I knew you weren’t done.
Once again I reminded her the purpose of having a housekeeper. Her reply:
A: I can’t find the peppercorn ranch dressing. Do you see it?
I couldn’t be bothered to look for it so without even looking I answered back:
ME: No.
A: You didn’t even try looking.
ME: If you couldn’t find it what makes you think I’ll be able to? Maybe they’re all out.
A: Two eyes are better than one.
Good grief! There I stood in aisle 3 in Walmart on a Saturday afternoon scanning the shelf for peppercorn ranch dressing. All I could find was 3 Cheese Ranch, regular Ranch dressing but no Peppercorn.
ME: I don’t see it. Can we please go home now?
A: Go see if you can find someone.
ME: Who?
A: Who do you think? An employee, darling.
Of course I knew who she meant. I was only being cheeky.
ME: Do I have too?
A: No you don’t have too. I'll just try looking again— maybe I missed it.
Sometimes I think sister pulls these little stunts to punish me. I managed to track down 3 employees in the next aisle who were already blocking the messy aisle. It looked like a disaster area. It was total chaos. There were various canned goods on the floor and one lazy customer left a package of diapers laying on top of the Kraft dinner box display. The employees just stood there gabbing. I directed the question to all 3 of them. "I’m looking for Peppercorn Ranch Dressing." Judging by their attitude and demeanor they seemed quite ticked off that a customer interrupted their gossip fest. Each worker said the exact same thing, "We don't know where it is." Their reason for not knowing: "We don't work in the food department."
Here's what I WANTED to say:
ME: Then what the hell are you doing in the food department?!
Here's what I REALLY said:
ME: Thank you. You've been extremely helpful.
I should tell you that it was said with a strong hint of sarcasm.
We left the food area minus any kind of salad dressing. I figured we were heading to the checkout area but instead sister insisted she wanted to browse some more....for shoes no less. I was wearing my Dior sandals and sister was trying on a pair of George (Walmart brand) shoes. At that point I pleaded with her to allow me to buy her a pair of shoes from anyplace but here!
A: I don’t need a pair of pricey designer shoes to wear around the garden.
ME: If you want to look fashionable you do.
A: I’ll leave the looking fashionable to you, alright darling.
Sister picked up a pair of black colored shoes, put them down on the ground to try on. As she went to pick up a second pair in another style a woman came by and picked the ones she had on the floor and dropped them in her cart. I said:
ME: Excuse me.
She turned around.
ME: Yeah, those are my sister’s. She was about to try them on.
RUDE LADY: There’s probably more in her size.
A minute or so passed after she had left when I said outloud, "What the hell?!"
SISTER: I didn’t want them anyways. I like these one better.
ME: That’s not the point. Did you see what just happened?
SISTER: Yes and just let it go. It’s not worth getting upset over.
I don’t want to lump all people who shop here as being rude and disrespectful but I was beginning to think they were. After that we proceeded to the checkout. OMG, where do I even begin? First off the line was so incredibly long. Second– standing behind us was an adult male who wouldn’t quit snapping his gum. Do you have any idea how annoying that is? Thirdly– In front of us were 2 young siblings who wouldn’t stop hitting each other while their mother stood there reading the latest issue of In Touch Weekly. I felt like I was shopping in hell and Satan was the manager. I looked at sister. She knew what I was thinking.
A: We’ll be out of here in no time.
I looked closely into sister’s eye and then checked her breath. As far as I could tell she didn’t appear under the influence, however I had to ask:
ME: Are you high?
Trust me I had a legitimate reason for asking. There were close to over a dozen people in front us who were still waiting for their turn and the cashier was not only slow but looked older than Methuselah. At that point I was emotionally drained. How is it not possible to have some type of breakdown here? I blame the day on my hormonal craving. I should have just walked away and waited in the car but I didn’t.
A few days later while rummaging through the pantry I came across a little something that brought a smile to my taste buds. Without my knowledge sister bought this cereal for me from Walmart.
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As most of my lovelies are aware I am an enormous Johnny Depp fan. Monday night at the Hollywood Bowl "Aerosmith" was performing on stage when front~man Steven Tyler announced: “We’re going to need a little help out here. Johnny Depp, are you in the house?” Depp, wearing his signature brimmed hat, walked out to deafening screams -- from 18,000 people in the crowd -- and picked up a guitar for a performance of "Train Kept a-Rollin."
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My loyal and dear readers, it's finally Friday.
This weekend marks The Perseids Meteor Shower. Click here for more information. Catch a falling constellation and make a wish.....
Whatever your plans are have a fantastic weekend. ~x
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
