Cocaine Princess here.
I do hope my lovelies had a joyous Christmas/Holiday season and an incredible time rocking in 2010.
A day before I left for my holidays, my sister gave my Christmas gifts to me since I wasn't going to be here to celebrate Christmas with her. One of the gifts she bought me:
Suede leopard printed stiletto boots. Pretty cute, huh?
“ONE CRAZY COLOMBIAN”
My winter vaycay began on December 23rd 2009 around 11:30ish am in the Caribbean. An hour before arrival I changed my clothes. I left wearing winter wardrobe and changed into a white mini skirt, a black and white bustier and my heels. Coming off the plane I saw Valentina and Semper-Fi waiting to one side. I tried running as fast as I could but the skirt I was wearing didn’t have any type of elasticity in it so I was taking little baby steps while rolling my carry on. Valentina met me halfway nearly knocking me down and gave me an enormous hug. To be accurate we did the whole hugging while jumping in a circle thing for several minutes and squealed like two teenage girls at a Jonas Bros. concert. We hadn’t seen each other since Easter ‘09.
In the car ride I asked Valentina who else was at the villa.
Valentina: Besides fabulous me? The household staff, the guards, the hounds and good ole Semper-Fi: the designated babysitter.
{purposely speaking loud and in a sarcastic tone}
Semper-Fi and I have been getting along really well Princess. He and I have been taking dance lessons. Wait until you see him bust out his moves on the dance floor on New Year’s Eve. That dancing with celebrities show has nothing on us. Ain’t that right Fred Astaire?
“Fred Astaire” was sitting in the backseat of the car with us. I leaned forward and looked at him. He sat there in silence with no emotion whatsoever on his face. I don’t think he even blinked. I on the other hand was giggling. I had missed my mischievous best friend and was more than thrilled to be spending my winter vaycay with her.
The first thing I saw pulling up into the driveway was almost every single palm tree on the property was covered in lights and couldn’t wait until sunset to see them all lighted. I would take lighted palm trees over lighted pine trees covered in snow dust any day.
While the staff tended to my luggage I already had kicked off my shoes and bolted out of the car barefoot. Holding Valentina’s hand we ran to the back, down the lanai steps where finally I was able to exhale. Ahhh.....Yes my tootsies had found bliss as they successfully made contact with the sand. I stood there for a lengthy amount of time welcoming the sun’s rays as Valentina embraced me from behind.
VALENTINA: Daddy really wanted to be here. He really wanted to see you. Are you upset he’s not going to be spending Christmas with us?
ME: I’m not upset.
VALENTINA: Yeah you are. I can always tell.
ME: It’s been so long, almost a full year since I’ve actually seen him in person. We talk on the phone but....
VALENTINA: If there was someway for him to be here he would but you know how it is. Work, work, work, work. Money never sleeps. But cheer up, come New Year’s Eve you’ll see everyone else.
ME: I can’t wait. This is going to be one of the best New Year’s ever.
VALENTINA: The whole gang at one place at the same time.... just don’t go ignoring or neglecting me.
ME: Never.
VALENTINA: To be on the safe side I’m going to be by your side at all times.
We chatted some more and took a stroll down memory lane. When we were little, whenever we would go to the beach we would do the twist in the sand while singing “The Bedrock Twitch,” a parody of the song “The Twist.”
VALENTINA: Let’s do it again for old time sakes.
I don’t know what came over me but without any hesitation I said, “okay.”
There we were, two adults singing while doing the twist. I couldn’t believe I still knew the lyrics:
“There's a town I know where the hipsters go they call it Bedrock
Twitch! Twitch!
And when you get an itch to do the Twitch in Bedrock
it's a twitchin' town so I'll see you down in Bedrock
Twitch! Twitch!”
I stopped when I noticed a 3rd shadow. It was Semper-Fi. Oh boy. I was embarrassed at what he was probably thinking: “I’ve gone from babysitting one crazy Colombian to now two.” But you know what? I didn’t care one bit. I went back to twisting and singing. I wasn’t even an hour into my vaycay and already I was having the time of my life!
“HITTING THE SAUCE”
By the time we returned back the staff had unpacked all my suitcases including one that was filled with just my shoes. Hey I can’t exactly be seen wearing the same pair of heels everyday now can I? My bedroom was directly across from Valentina and waiting on my bed was my traditional welcome gift from her daddy: a bouquet of orchids and a shiny trinket. I had changed into my bikini and when I came out of the bathroom Valentina was sitting on my bed.
ME: Here’s my answer: A big fat NO.
I guess I should explain. When I had come out of the bathroom Valentina was sitting on my bed with a tray of 12 shot glasses arranged in a circle and in the middle stood a bottle.
VALENTINA: No? You didn’t have a problem hitting the sauce with that person who lives with you. You had 12 drinks for 12 straight nights. You owe me.
ME: That was different. I was under dr’s orders to have a nightly drink.
VALENTINA: Pretend you’re still under your dr’s orders.
I went over to the bed and sat down next to her. I picked up the bottle and read the label.
ME: Casa Dragones.
VALENTINA: I guarantee you this stuff is 10x better than Sammy’s. It’s known as the sipping tequila.
I noticed the bottle wasn’t exactly full.
ME: I see someone already has been taking a sip and seeing how the bottle is half full I would say several sippies.
VALENTINA: It’s Semper-Fi. I told daddy he’s been sneaking into the liquor cabinet but daddy refused to believe me......Look at the bottom of the bottle.
I turned the bottle over and smiled.
VALENTINA: That is a direct sign from the cosmos telling you, you must do these shots.
ME: If it’s a sipping tequila why the shot glasses?
{By the way on each of the shot glasses was a picture of Santa Claus with a large red nose}
VALENTINA: Because doing tequila shots is a hell of a lot more fun than sipping it - but if you prefer to sip it I’ll be more than happy to get you a goblet.
ME: Valentina I’m not doing neither. You know very well I made a rule: no drinkie-
VALENTINA: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Aren’t you the one who always says it’s more fun breaking rules than making them?
It was true. I had said that. Taking the bottle from my hand she filled one of the glasses and waved it slowly under my nose..... Mmm. It was very fragrant. I do admit it is a lot more fun breaking rules but this was one rule I intended not to break. My lips had not gone near anything related to alcohol since August and with only 8 days remaining I wasn’t about to blow it.
VALENTINA: Promise me you’ll do all 12 shots on New Year’s Eve.
ME: I promise.
I said “I promise” with one hand behind my back while crossing my fingers. My lovelies if I had really done all 12 shots that day I would have been passed out until next Christmas. So what happened to the one shot glass that was filled? What do you think? Valentina flung her head back and down it went. Sheesh and it was still the afternoon. She slammed the glass back down hard on the tray.
VALENTINA: Smooth!......Vamos a la playa!
CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING
“THE SURPRISE”
It had been almost 2 years since I had returned back to “Sandbox Island.” No that’s not the real name of the island, only a nickname on account of how small it is. The island is filled with nothing but snow white colored sand and the most beautiful shades of blue for its sea water. There are no big shopping malls, only little shops geared for tourists and low rise hotels. There really isn’t much to do except for going to the beach and that suited me just fine. Christmas Eve morning I was up early and was dying to get into the water. I was wearing a red and white striped two-piece with a sheer white tunic on top. I was trembling cold. The inside of the villa was literally like walking into the inside of a freezer. Unfortunately there was nothing that could be done. If the A/C was turned down by even one measly degree the walls and floor would sweat. There was one other option: to wear the big, white fluffy robe that was hanging in the closet.....Nah!
In the kitchen Valentina was informing, correction, she was “telling” the chef exactly what she wanted to eat and then asked what I wanted. When I couldn’t make up my mind Valentina decided for me. I would be having what she was having. One thing I knew for sure was what I would be washing breakie down with: I opened the fridge and grabbed a nice, cold one. No not a beer. A nice, cold one for me is a Diet Dr. Pepper. Several bottles were stocked in the fridge since it is my fave drink. After Princess V was finished giving specific orders on how she wanted her food prepared and arranged on the plate, she insisted we eat on the lanai instead of on the beach. In fact she wouldn’t take no for an answer. As long as I was surrounded by palm trees and humidity, beach or lanai it didn’t really make any difference to me. And then I understood why. There was a wonderful surprise waiting for me. Valentina’s daddy. I looked at Valentina.
VALENTINA: So I told a little fib.
I ran into his arms like how I always use to when I was a little girl. It’s funny because that’s exactly how I felt. I remember as if it was just yesterday, after I would run into his arms he would pick me up and twirl me in the air, and of course little Valentina was always nearby repeating over and over: “My turn daddy! My turn! Me! Me!” I was a little too old now to be picked up and twirled around however Valentina did say: “I want my hug too daddy.” Hmm, I guess some things never change. She managed to squeeze herself in and joined in on the hugging.
VALENTINA: You’re so gullible Princess. Did you really believe daddy would miss spending Christmas with his 2 favorite girls?
Valentina’s daddy whispered in my ears, “Not even for the world.”
CHRISTMAS EVE AFTERNOON:
“THE SINGING CHEF”
A Sahara style tent had been set up on the beach just for the 2 of us with an entourage standing nearby. Everyone else was either under a beach umbrella or sitting on their beach towels.
ME: I’m sure this isn’t going to draw any attention to us.
VALENTINA: Daddy’s rules.
A few beach go-ers were staring at us. As I removed my cover up Valentina being the cheeky person she is gave them all a Queen Elizabeth style wave. We kept the tent flaps open so we could feel the sea breeze, not that there was much of a breeze going on that day.
Lunch was brought out to us courtesy of the villa’s kitchen since there was no way my best friend was going to buy and eat a hot dog from a young boy who was grilling and selling them on his portable BBQ despite how heavenly the aroma was. We were sharing a pizza and my half was loaded with pineapples. I finished 1 slice and couldn’t decide whether or not to have a 2nd. Believe me I wanted to eat the whole frigging pie but Valerie Bertenelli kept flashing in my head and the words Jenny Craig. I picked up the slice and put it down. Valentina picked up my slice and put it back on my plate.
VALENTINA: If we don’t finish this pizza the new Chef might start crying.
ME: What happened to the old one?
VALENTINA: He’s on a leave of absence, family emergency. So daddy hired a temporary one. I don’t know where he found him but he’s quite a character. Total drama queen but cooks great. Didn’t you see him in the kitchen?
ME: I only saw the back of him. I assumed it was the regular guy. I think he was singing quietly to himself.
VALENTINA: He sings Cher songs all day long in the kitchen while he cooks.
I couldn’t stop laughing.
VALENTINA: It’s no joke. According to him he can’t cook unless he’s singing Cher songs. So eat because he’s gonna ask for your honest opinion.
ME: I’ll tell him the truth, it’s absolutely delish.
VALENTINA: A couple of weeks ago he made chicken in a mushroom sauce and asked if I liked it or not? I told him no. The chicken was drier than this heat and the sauce was bland. It wasn’t. It was perfect but I was interested to see what his reaction was going to be like. He made a frowny face, his eyes began to water and he almost started to cry. He went back into the kitchen, put on a Cher CD and remade the entire meal for me and did an even better job which I didn’t think was possible. Unfortunately I can’t look at a piece of chicken now without “Just Like Jesse James” going off in my head.
“THE WINKING KING”
3 men dressed as Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar, otherwise known as the 3 Kings appeared on the beach singing “Los Tres Reyes” {We 3 Kings} They were from the local church seeking donations. Melchior {at least I think it was him} was carrying a decorative jeweled box. Many sunbathers dropped whatever spare change they had into the box and in return one of the other 2 Kings reached into the velvety pouch he was carrying and placed chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil into their hands, and those who didn’t contribute were still given coins. I told Valentina I didn’t have my purse with me.
VALENTINA: Don’t worry about it. The guards have it covered.
When the 3 Kings made their way over to us they knew not to get too close and from what I could tell one of the guards stuffed a hefty amount of bills into the box. They left but not before trying to take a quick peak inside the tent.
VALENTINA: Cara mia, I think one of the Kings winked at you.
ME: Nah, he probably just had something in his eye.
“THE OILY HUG”
Valentina may have been unsuccessful in tempting me to have a drink but she was persuasive in helping her finish lunch. {Although I was kind of curious to see if the Cher obsessed chef would cry if the plate was returned to him with food still on it} I felt like taking a dip in the sea but because I had just finished eating the 1 hour waiting rule applied, instead I decided to move my chair out of the tent to catch some rays and that’s when I saw another tent similar to us a little further down, equipped with an entourage too. Hmm? Who was in there? I went back inside and asked Valentina. She took a look.
VALENTINA: Here’s a hint: He’s fat and bald.
I knew right away who she was referring to.
ME: The Panamanian? He’s here?
VALENTINA: Sadly yes.
ME: How can you be so sure?
VALENTINA: Did you not see his wife “Topless Barbie” bossing the guards around?
ME: Huh?
VALENTINA: Go look.
I went back out and there she was: The Panamanian’s wife wearing bright yellow bikini bottoms and not much else.
ME: She wasn’t there a second ago.
By the looks of it she was trying to decide where she wanted her chair positioned. She would point where she wanted the chair to be placed, sit down and after about 3 seconds get up and point to another spot. The girl could not make up her mind. Ultimately she decided: facing the water. Good choice! As she went to sit down she looked over our way, saw me and waved. I waved back.
VALENTINA: Who are you waving too? Is it the King with “something in his eye?”
ME: No. Topless Barbie.
VALENTINA: What the hell are you waving at her for?
ME: Because she waved at me first.
VALENTINA: Way to go!
ME: What was I suppose to do? Snub her? Pretend I didn’t see her?
VALENTINA: Yes and yes! Christ, she’s not walking on over here is she?
ME: Well.....she isn’t so much walking on over here as she is jiggling on over here.
VALENTINA: Is there a bald man drooling behind her?
ME: No.
VALENTINA: Good. I can’t stand him......or her.
ME: Oh Lord here she comes.
She greeted me with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.
TOPLESS BARBIE: Hola, que tal chica?
Her entire body was covered in several layers of suntan oil. Seriously it looked as if the chick took a dip into a pool of oil. She was dripping in the stuff so when she hugged me a lot of the oil transferred onto me. She continued.
Nice to see you again. Are you here for the party?
ME: Yeah I am.
TOPLESS BARBIE: How long are you staying?
ME: A few more days and then we’re flying to the mainland for New Years.
She bent down and waved at Valentina.
TOPLESS BARBIE: Hola amiga.
Valentina flashed her pearly whites.
TOPLESS BARBIE: See you tonight. Adios.
And with her saying that came another very oily hug. Ugh.
VALENTINA: Adios sunshine!
I returned back inside the tent and grabbed a towel to wipe off the residue.
ME: My goodness she’s so cute and friendly. Why don’t you like her?
VALENTINA: Have you ever actually sat down and had a full conversation with her aside from Hello, how are you?
ME: No, I can’t say I have.
VALENTINA: Take my advice: don’t. She’s not all there. A few more minutes of talking to her and she would have that deer caught in the headlights look. Barbie can’t carry a conversation for very long and she’s bit incoherent.
Giggling I said:
ME: She’s very “perky.”
VALENTINA: Hubby took her to the best plastic surgeon and bought Barbie the best set of “perkiness” money can buy, Princesa.
I can honestly say that was the first time I was ever hugged by a topless woman. And thanks to her suntan oil which I later learned was bronzing oil, it left stain marks on my candy cane bikini. It took the dry cleaner 3x to remove the brown blotches and streaks. Valentina suggested I send the dry cleaning bill to the Panamanian.
CHRISTMAS EVE:
“BLESS OUR SINUSES”
The sun had set. It was Christmas Eve and the 3 of us would be spending it a dinner party held by “The Host.” For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, you remember “The Host.” She's always throwing dinner parties and “hosting” and organizing fundraisers all year round. Valentina has another name for her: “Bug Lady” because the perfume she wears smells like a can of RAID. It’s a nasty smelling perfume that really does a dance number on your sinuses. I wasn’t too excited about going. It’s not that I don’t like “The Host” because I do. She’s a very gracious and kind person, it’s her parties I don’t like. How can I best describe them? hmmm..... Quiet. Oh what the heck I’m going come out and just say it: her parties are a bore. A total snooze-fest. Valentina says it best: they can put you into a coma. During the past year I had skipped out on several invitations from her and if I had missed her Christmas Eve dinner party the tally would be at 5 and Valentina and I were running out of legitimate excuses of why we couldn’t attend.
I love getting dolled up for parties. I love the feminine aspect of it: getting my hair and makeup done, mani/pedis, agonizing which outfit to wear and then choosing accessories. Yes I am a girly-girl to the core. The first thing I do after my hair and makeup is spray perfume all over me and the last thing I do is put on my shoes. I was standing in front of the full length mirror barefoot checking to see how I looked when Valentina entered holding 2 different style necklaces. She asked which one I thought went best with her outfit. She had a silk Marilyn Style halter dress so I suggested the tear drop pendant. After fastening it for her she turned around.
VALENTINA: You alright?
I nodded yes.
VALENTINA: No, I mean are you okay about going to the coma party? We don’t have to go.
ME: I gave her my word I would be there.
VALENTINA: So? It’s not as if you signed a contract.
ME: Who knows we might have fun.
VALENTINA: If you like watching paint dry, yes.
I did one last mirror check, strapped on silver colored stilettos and was ready. Valentina took my hand.
VALENTINA: Before we go let us bow our heads and pray. Holy Mother Mary of God, bless and protect our sinuses from Bug Lady.
ME: Amen.
.......To Be Continued.
*********
My loyal and dear readers it’s finally Friday then again when you’re on vaycay everyday feels like Friday!!
Whatever your plans are have a splendid weekend.-x
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
