Cocaine Princess here.
The chaos the hideous creature brought to my once serene neighborhood was unbelievable and of course the creature didn't take a break from barking. Then all of a sudden the backyard started to get really smoky. 'Oh God the B-B-Q!' someone exclaimed.
The B-B-Q went up in smoke as did our meal. 'I think you may have overcooked them little lady,' the retiree said to my sister. 'For your information this is how we prefer our B-B-Q,' I said coughing. The hideous creature not only caused everyone to lose their tempers but it destroyed our May 2-4 weekend B-B-Q. All that was left were black, crispy ashes. Everyone was fanning the smoke with their arms as they continued to argue right where they left off. My God, the hideous creature was bringing out the worst in everyone! 'If all you continue with this loud yelling I'm going to have no choice but to call the police and report all of you for causing a disturbance,' threatened the poodle lady. 'The dog is causing a disturbance!' explained another person. 'You dog haters are harassing the poor creature,' she replied while her poodle licked her lips. 'Demon dog barks at all hours of the day!,' the retiree stated very loudly. 'I don't know what you're talking about. I hardly ever hear his barking,' she answered back. 'And why would you? You probably turn down your hearing aid!' 'I don't appreciate you yelling at me.' 'Excuse me but I tend to get cranky when I don't sleep two nights in a row!' 'Something needs to be done about this dog,' another neighbor said. Looking at the poodle lady the neighbor continued and said if she wasn't going to do anything and resolve the situation then the rest of the neighbors were going to band together and do something themselves. This was the missing gnome incident all over again. She didn't respond. Instead for some reason poodle lady began to ask my sister a couple of really stupid questions.'You're a teacher?' 'Yes,' my sister replied as she was removing the remains from the grill. 'I know what a teacher makes yearly so how is it a teacher can afford to live in my posh neighborhood?' 'Your neighborhood?' questioned another neighbor. 'Since when is this your neighborhood? You don't own it.' 'I was one of the first people to move to this neighborhood,' she replied. 'And that qualifies you as being the owner?' asked another. Poodle lady didn't answer the question. Instead she asked my sister the same question again. 'I manage just fine,' my sister replied. 'Is there another source of income?' was her next question. Are you starting to get the idea why poodle lady is so disliked? Not only is she disliked but she's very nosy. 'The maintenance alone on your house must be thousands of dollars a month. I find it very impossible for a teacher to afford any of this.' 'My finances are none of your business,' A replied. 'No need to get all defensive. I'm just curious.' 'You should be careful, you know what they say about curiosity,' I said. 'No, what?' she asked. 'Curiosity is what killed the cat,' I replied. 'Are you threatening me?' poodle lady asked. 'Hardly. I was merely stating a quote.' 'Didn't your mother ever teach you to respect your elders.' 'Actually no,' I answered. And then she took a shot at me. 'Why are you so dressed up? Anytime I see you you're always dressed up like you're going to a party. Why do you wear so much jewelery and why are you wearing high heels with such a short skirt in the back yard? Didn't your mother teach you how to dress like a proper lady.' 'She's off her rocker,' someone muttered. 'Mention our mother's name again and you're going to have a big problem on your hands,' said A as she was now throwing the burnt items into the trash bag. Some questions are just incredibly stupid they don't deserve an answer. But she demanded to know. 'I'm waiting for your answer,' she said this time snapping her fingers at me. All I kept on thinking, if Valentina was here poodle lady's dentures would have been in the back of her head by now. I still didn't say a word. But the retiree had plenty to say, 'Cu-koo, cu-koo, cu-koo. Poodle lady cu-koo for coco-puffs.' Some of the others started to laugh. 'This is a respectable neighborhood,' said poodle lady. 'Then why are you living here?' somebody asked. 'Perhaps at the next meeting I should bring up a dress code for the residents.' 'Are you currently on any medication?' the husband who lives behind me asked. 'Sometimes with age comes insanity,' said another neighbor to him. The others just stood there covering their mouths and shaking their heads. I thought poodle lady was finished her crazy rant but she wasn't. To one side of my backyard is a platform and on the platform is a marble bench and surrounded on each side is a kneeling angel that is praying and near those is a statue of the weeping angel. The area is in memory of my mom. Poodle lady didn't make any comment towards that. But she did on something else. In the corner of the garden are two huge gargoyles that my mom had bought. She asked, 'what exactly do you call those two ugly things?' 'Your relatives,' replied the retiree. I laughed at that, I just had too, it was way too funny! 'They're called gargoyles and they're suppose to ward off evil spirits,' I explained while laughing. 'Too bad you didn't have something to ward off looney-tunes.' said the wife who lives behind me. 'Maybe if you had a man in your life you wouldn't be like this.' 'The last time she had a man was before the depression,' the retiree mumbled. 'So what the hell are we going to do about demon dog?' he then asked. 'I think we first need to talk to the owners as soon as they get back,' someone suggested. 'Dogs bark but this barking is out of control.' 'Agreed,' everyone said. 'If you do then I'll have no choice but to tell them the dog barks because of all you who constantly taunt and provoke it,' poodle lady said. 'I think it's time for you to leave,' said A. 'I know there's something going on here between you and your sister. I'm not convinced you two can actually afford this house. I just may have someone look into it.' 'Be my guest. Now leave,' A said again. Pointing her bony finger at me she said, 'my eye is on you.' 'Your eye is on me?' I questioned. 'Yes I'm watching you,' she answered. 'I had no idea. Sorry but I'm not into women. I prefer the company and the pleasure of the opposite sex,' I replied. There was laughter. I know I shouldn't have said that but I just couldn't resist. Once in awhile I'm known to have a cheeky mouth. Valentina's daddy says I get it from my mom. As she was leaving there was an applause with a few loud cheers and using his fingers the retiree whistled. 'Good riddance you space cadet!' he said. 'I heard she was odd but no one told me she was crazy,' said someone. 'Her name should be changed from poodle lady to crazy poodle lady. I'm surprised she's walking around free.' If you're trying to picture her, mentally picture a skinny elderly woman wearing a bath robe, curlers in her hair, a cigarette drag in her mouth with a bunch of cats following her. Poodle lady is one of those type of people. The only difference is she doesn't wear a robe or curlers in her hair or have a cigarette in her mouth. And instead of cats she has a poodle. You get the picture right?
And then without warning there was an enormous thunderclap in the sky. You know the kind that startles you making you jump? And just like that it started to rain so hard. Everyone ran for cover. My sister and I hurried inside. All our food, salads and snacks were left on the patio table being drenched by the rain. We still had a couple of extra hamburgers in the freezer. 'I'll make the hamburgers on the George Foreman,' said A plugging the grill, 'unless you want something else to eat?' 'Hamburgers are fine, I replied turning on the TV. I couldn't watch anything, the rain was affecting the satellite. 'No B-B-Q and now no TV,' I stated. 'Just the satellite is out, the TV is still working so pick out a DVD and we'll watch that,' A suggested. I was on my way downstairs to the library when it began to thunder real loud and boom! The power went off. 'I guess we should have gone away,' said A. 'It's a little too late now,' I replied feeling my way back into the kitchen. Two and a half weeks ago not only did I beg but I pleaded with her to come and go away with me for the May 2-4 weekend. What was her response after I asked her. 'I don't feel like it, you go.' Since there was no electricity there went the hamburgers on the foreman grill. My sister opened the utility drawer and pulled out a flashlight. 'Now what?' I asked. She opened another drawer and looked through the restaurant flyers' and asked, 'Dominoes, Pizza Hut, Boston Pizza or Chinese?' 'No Chinese,' I said. 'Pizza it is,' she replied back.
Instead of spending the May 2-4 weekend on a beach in my new teeny-weeny bikini (which by the way I bought for the long weekend) and digging my toes in the hot sand, how was I spending my long weekend? At home. In the kitchen eating pizza by flashlight. As for my fireworks, they're sitting to one side and I can only use them next on July 1st, Canada Day, weather permitting of course.
They say every cloud has a silver lining and there was. The hideous creature was quiet for the rest of the night. Who knew the demon dog was afraid of thunder and lightning.
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
