Cocaine Princess here.
No rejection letters this week but I did almost have a panic attack:
The ideas I get for my manuscripts come from the people that I know and their lives, things they tell me, things I see and hear. I keep a very detailed and accurate account in my diaries. But when I write about them in my manuscripts I change all the names, dates and locations. Along side my notebook and pen is my diary but today my diary was no where to be found. 'Ok,' I thought, 'don't panic. I had it yesterday and I placed it beside my notebook. My notebook is here, the pen is here so why isn't my diary?' I turned my room upside down that it looked like a tornado hit it. 'Now it's time to panic,' I said out loud. Horrible scenarios started running through my mind:
What if someone stole it and they're holding it for ransom or what if they decide to sell it page by page on EBAY? Oh God! My diaries contain not only explicit details of things but peoples' secrets as well as my own personal thoughts and feelings. At that point I felt the room starting to spin and I couldn't breath.
I told 'A' and she asked me where I had it last. I replied that I had it with me last night and I put it with my notebook in my room before I went to bed. Together we went back into my room and this time 'A' went through every little thing- no diary. Then we tore apart the rest of the house and 3hours later- no diary. I didn't know whether I wanted to scream or cry. 'Oh my God, Oh my God!!,' I kept repeating over and over again. I retraced the steps in my head and I was positive I put the diary with my notebook. Where could it have gone? It couldn't have just disappeared into thin air or get up and start walking. My heart was beating at such a super-sonic speed I thought I was having some sort of attack. 'I'm done! I'm finished!' I said out loud, 'my career as a writer is over before it even started!' My diaries are apart of me and if someone is reading it they are invading and violating my privacy. I looked for my other diaries and each and everyone of them was locked in a safe place. I wanted to shoot myself for not keeping the missing diary with the others instead of leaving it lying out in my room. But I didn't leave it just lying around, I put it with my notebook! People lose things everyday and many things can be replaced but there are many things that can't be replaced. These items are priceless and have a great deal of sentimental value. 'A' tried cheering me up by suggesting my diaries needed some type of tracking device on them. I was in no laughing mood. This may sound a little odd but my diaries are like my children so it not only felt as if one of my children was missing but I too felt apart of me was missing. But all was not lost because 5hours later 'A' saved the day by finding my diary. Where exactly did she find it? I'll tell you later on.
I have been receiving so many emails in response to my last blog, did I perhaps strike a nerve amongst some of you? I received a question from a loyal reader asking whether or not 'L' is allowed to see other men? The answer is no. Mistresses to Drug Kingpins remain exclusive only to them and no it isn't just about the sex. Many couples today spend time apart, months will even go by. Couples who have spouses who work abroad for example or spouses who are in the military. Even though they maybe apart they are able to keep in constant contact. Gone are the days when couples would have to wait for weeks just to receive a letter from their lover. Today's world has emails, faxes, instant messaging and web-cameras.
'L' met her lover at a party and it was love at first sight for the both of them. Not only was she entranced and swept off her feet by him she was aware that he was married and knew what he did for a living. 'L' didn't care about any of that. All she knew was she couldn't live without him. Almost immediately their illicit romance began. At first I too thought it was just about the sex but I have met this particular Drug Kingpin and his pretty paramour and they are a couple in love. They are deeply committed to each other. Their relationship is not a May to December one. By the way I know the Drug Kingpin's wife. I've been to their house on numerous occasions for parties and other social functions and he'll be there holding her hand and being all affectionate. As I'm watching them I'm thinking to myself 'I know his secret. Then again I know everyone's secret. I of course remain quiet because it's not my place to tell his wife.
Could you be with someone in the romantic sense knowing that the person you are with is married and maybe even has children? Apparently 'L' doesn't seem to care, she's in it for the long haul. It's not like she woke up one day and said 'Today I'm going to fall in love with a married man.' 'L' has been with him for the past five years. He's a little older than her but extremely handsome. She's very content and accepts the situation so who are we to criticize?
Is it possible to be married to someone whom you took vows to love and honor and be with for better or for worse till death do you part and then one day you come across someone who doesn't just spark a flame in your heart but it ignites a fire that spreads into your soul? How does this happen? Maybe the heart gets hungry because it lacks the nourishment it once had. Or maybe Cupid doesn't just shoot his arrow of love once but twice. There is really no definition of the word love. If I was to ask ten people to define the word each person would have a different answer. Love is an entity that has no boundaries. It doesn't listen to logic, it just feels. A person should never deny the impulses or the pleasures of their heart. I'm not talking about cheap-one-night-stands where the next morning you wake up to someone whose name you don't even know or even how you met. I'm talking about the kind of love where you meet or see someone and instantly they consume you to a point of passion where your soul becomes unhinged. You become addicted to them like a drug that every breath your soul takes and every beat your heart makes aches for that one person. All you desire and all you want is them and even though you maybe with someone else you can't stop thinking about them. You can't sleep because this person is far better than any fantasy and dream. We love who we love and the heart is going to go wherever it chooses to go. Some people believe love is blind but maybe it only sees what really truly matters. Love is so powerful that it can not only bring the greatest feeling to your heart but it can bring the greatest pain to your heart. Love is something we need and can't live without. I'll end with this thought, if you can't get someone out of your head then maybe they are suppose to be there.
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
P.S. In my next entry I will tell you all where my diary was found.
