Cocaine Princess here wishing everyone a HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
The unthinkable has happened. I, the Cocaine Princess went grocery shopping, not willingly of course. Let me back track. I have a cleaning lady who comes in 3x a week who also does the grocery shopping. When she comes over most of the time I'm at home but there have been occasions when I'm not home because I'm out running errands. Alright I admit it, I'm not so much running errands as I am going to various beauty appointments or shopping. For the past few weeks the inside of my house has had a weird odor, a combination of cigarettes and oranges. Nobody in the house smokes nor do I allow anyone to, so I had no idea where the smell was coming from. I thought maybe the cleaning lady was using something new to clean the house. Aside from the smell, 'A's' eyes were getting puffy and swollen. She saw the doctor who diagnosed the puffy and swelling as a result of some sort of allergic reaction. I spoke to the cleaning lady who told me she added a new ingredient into the cleaning fluids to bring more shine and sparkle to the floors and counters. Thinking this was the reason for A's eye condition and the smell I asked her kindly to remove the ingredient. She obliged. Yet the weird smell continued and there was no change to A's eyes. The cleaning lady insisted she was no longer using the shine ingredient or anything else new so I decided to do a little investigating on my own. There was no smell upstairs. The smell was strongest in the kitchen and in the living room. I could smell it embedded on the sofa's fabric. I picked up a few of the decorative pillows where the stench was also living. I then bent down to smell the carpet and to no surprise it smelled like cigarettes and oranges. Where the hell is this smell coming from? I said to myself. I then noticed something stuck in the carpet fibers. I looked closer at it and said 'a-ha!' out loud. It was a cigarette butt. I left the butt where it was. The cleaning lady had the day off so I called her over. I took her into the living room and pointed to the nasty item. 'Where did that come from?' I asked. She became nervous and didn't say anything. 'You told me you don't smoke, I said to her. 'I don't Miss,' she replied. 'Neither do I and neither does A. So unless there's a ghost in my house with a nicotine addiction you better start talking', I sternly said to her. 'It was Fred,' she answered. 'Fred?' I repeated. 'Who's Fred?!' 'He's a friend of mine,' she replied. 'A friend of yours but a stranger to me,' I stated. 'He sometimes comes over-' 'When I'm not in the house?' I asked cutting her off. ' Who gave you the right to invite Fred in here and allow him to smoke? What would make you think it was ok to do that?!' I was so angry with her! Busted! The cleaning lady confessed it all. She confessed Fred would come over when 'A' and I weren't in the house. They would have coffee, play cards (can you believe that!) and sometimes Fred would light up. To mask the odor she would spray a citrus flavored odor eliminator which created the orange flavored cigarette smell. I fired her right on the spot. I paid her to clean my house, not to socialize and play poker. The damn nerve of her to bring someone I've never met before without my permission and allow that person to smoke in my house?! And not to mention the medical condition that plagued 'A'. I spoke to the agency where I hired her from and told the supervisor everything. He was so apologetic and offered to send over another cleaning lady, free for one month to make up for what happened. I declined the offer. When I told Valentina about the cleaning lady and Fred she didn't say much except for, 'I'll call you back,' and then hung up. I was a little puzzled. She had never done that before. Five minutes later the phone rang and it was Valentina's daddy. She obviously wasted no time in telling him what had happened. The first thing he asked me was if I had the cleaning lady sign a confidentiality agreement. I answered no. 'Did the agency not offer one?' he asked. 'There was no talk about it,' I replied back. 'How long has she been with you?' was his next question. 'About five months,' I said. And then there was silence for a few seconds until I heard 'gracias.' It was Valentina. 'Are you on the line too?' I asked her. 'Of course, where else would I be?' she said calmly. (Valentina was thanking the cook for bringing her lunch) 'Daddy are you still there?'she asked. 'Si,' he replied and continued talking to me. 'For five months this cleaning lady has been employed by you and there was no confidentiality agreement between you, the employer and she, the employee?' 'Yeah,' I faintly answered. God this doesn't look good I thought to myself and Valentina's daddy agreed because he said, 'that's not good. Whenever you hire someone to do work for you, you must always get them to sign a confidentiality agreement.' 'I didn't know,' I said to him. 'I'm sorry.' 'No apologies mi amor,' he replied. 'What's done is done, just forget about it.' Valentina's daddy gave me the number to an international housekeeping agency that had branch offices around the world including in Canada. Most of the staff at Valentina's house were employed by the same agency. He then instructed me to call the locksmith asap since all the locks needed to be changed and to get a new alarm system installed by another company and not have the key pad installed in the same place. 'Can't I just change the security code?' I asked him. 'No, your ex cleaning lady already knows where your key pad is and possibly even Fred,' he explained. He then asked one last question, 'did you give the cleaning lady hell?' 'Yeah,' I answered, 'I did.' 'That's my girl,' he replied. 'Daddy taught you well,' added Valentina. I called the alarm company and spoke this time to someone who wasn't an idiot like last time. The last time I spoke to the alarm company I threatened to cancel my account with them and go and do business with their competitor, my words came true. By late Saturday afternoon everything was done. All the locks were changed and a brand new security system had been installed. I decided to also have the carpet and sofa steam-cleaned to kill the odor of orange flavored cigarettes.
Sunday afternoon was when my ex-cleaning lady would shop for groceries. The new cleaning lady wasn't scheduled to arrive until Wednesday and 'A' said we needed to go grocery shopping to pick up a couple of things. I suggested we just order in for the next couple of days. 'We can't order milk, toothpaste, or shampoo,' she stated. As you know by now I don't do domestic-related work. 'You'll shop for clothes and shoes but not for food?' A asked. I nodded yes. 'The grocery stores deliver,' I said as I went online to find the local grocery store websites, only to find out for some reason they stopped home delivery service from December-April. 'Looks like we're going grocery shopping,' said A. 'The swelling around your eyes hasn't completely gone away,' I told her. 'You sure you want to go out? 'I'll wear my sunglasses,' she replied. Oh damn! There was no way out of it.
There I was in the grocery store going up and down the aisles. 'A' was pushing the cart and I was walking slowly behind her like a depressed zombie. She turned around and made a comment, 'you look like you're about to go on death row.' 'That's because I don't want to be here,' I explained. 'I'm going to go and browse the magazine area. 'No you're not,' she said. 'You're staying right here to keep me company.' I really didn't want to grocery shop and was trying to find any excuse not to and since we were at a grocery store that was connected to a shopping mall I said to A, 'I still have to shop for my jury duty outfit, so what if I go into the mall and leave you to shop for groceries in peace?' 'You can shop afterwards, we don't have much to get,' she stated, 'and besides I always enjoy your company.' I let out a depressing sigh. 'Now what's the matter?' she asked. 'Aside from grocery shopping? The whole jury duty thing. I could be gone for two weeks. I voted only once and I get summoned. You've been voting for years and not once have you ever been summoned, explain that?' 'Are we back on this again?' she asked. Ever since I received the letter all I did was complain about it. 'Would it make you feel better if I told you if there was any way I could go in your place I would?' she asked. 'I suppose,' I answered back. As we made our way into the deli and cheese section I kept thinking about my ex-cleaning lady and Fred. Disturbing thoughts kept entering into my mind. Thoughts like, what if Fred was casing the joint and planning a break-in and was using the cleaning lady to gain access? Could she have been in on it too? Valentina was no big help as she put even more disturbing thoughts in my head. She says, 'you think Fred was your cleaning lady's boyfriend? What if they had sex on your bed or on the kitchen table? Or in every room in the house?' I was in the produce aisle at that point when she called and she had no idea where I was. When I told her I was grocery shopping she said, 'wow, I think I need to get my ears checked. I could have sworn you said you were grocery shopping?' 'I did,' I replied. 'I'm looking out the window and there's no sign of the apocalypse yet. Oh my God, has someone kidnapped you? If so, cough.' 'Yes Valentina I've been kidnapped. Instead of selling me into white slavery the kidnapper is forcing me to grocery shop.' (Although it sort of did feel like a kidnapping. 'A' practically shoved me into the car and forced me to go grocery shopping with her against my will. Actually I felt more like a kidnapped-hostage) I told her the reason why I had to go grocery shopping. She then wanted me to take a picture of myself in the grocery store and email it to her. I had 'A' take a picture with the cell phone while I was holding a red bell pepper. When she received the picture the only thing she said was, 'I love the coat you're wearing.' My cell phone started beeping indicating the battery was getting low. I told her I would call her back when I returned home. I looked at 'A' and she was putting various fruits and vegetables in those little plastic-baggy things. 'You said we just needed milk, toothpaste and shampoo. You didn't say anything about fruits and vegetables,' I said. 'As long as we're here we might as well pick up some other things,' she answered back. 'This day is never going to end,' I said to her. 'A' then suggested I go to the pharmacy. She informed me I was out of my Slim-Fast shakes. I looked in the diet and meal replacement section and found a shelf dedicated to only Slim-Fast products. I found the shakes. I wanted chocolate but all they had was strawberry, vanilla and cappuccino. The chocolate section was completely empty. I found a worker in the next aisle re-filling the vitamin shelf and asked if he had anymore. He walked over with me to the Slim-Fast section and pointing to the empty shelf he said, 'we're all out.' 'Yes that's what I observed too,' I said. 'Do you have any more in the stock room?' 'I'm not sure' he replied. I looked at his name tag. It said Seth. 'Can you please find out Seth?' 'Right now?' Seth asked. No next week I said to myself. 'Yes,' I answered. 'Um, okay...I'll go check,' he said and then asked, 'where will I find you?' 'I'll be right here waiting,' I answered. 'He walked away and then came back after a few seconds. 'What was it again you wanted me to check?' he asked. 'Slim Fast shakes, in chocolate,' I said. 'Oh yeah, right, ok I'll be back.' A' came by with a cart full of produce while I waited on Seth. I told her Seth was the stock boy and was looking in the back for my chocolate shakes. I let out another sigh, I just had to. This is not how I pictured spending my weekend. Finally Seth returned, empty handed. 'I guess there isn't any,' I said to 'A'. I was wrong because Seth said, 'yeah, there's about 20 cases of chocolate flavored Slim-Fast in the back.' I told him I wanted only one case. And he replied, 'oh you wanted to buy one?' I had to control myself from not laughing. 'If you could just bring one out for us we'd appreciate it. Thank you,' I said to Seth. 'Okay,' Seth replied. 'I'll be back. Just one right? Chocolate?' 'Yes and thank you,' I said again. Seth couldn't have been more than 15-16 years old and judging by the way he looked and acted was probably still hung over from Friday night.
An hour later we finally made our way over to the check out. Yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! As the cashier scanned the items I turned to 'A' and said, 'I'm never doing this again.' 'Why? It was fun,' she said. 'How is it possible you and I came from the same womb?' was my only response to her saying grocery shopping was fun. 'Why don't you go into the mall now, I'll meet you in the food court,' she said. And like a bat out of hell I was out of the grocery store. Similar to a prisoner escaping their cell and finally being able to taste freedom is how I felt. The zombie part of me was gone as I felt the rush of euphoria enter back inside of me. I found a table in the food court and pondered what to eat while waiting for 'A.' (Although I lead an extravagant life I am a pretty grounded person with a good head on my shoulders. I'm not stuck up nor am I blind or ignorant as I know there are so many people who are less fortunate than I am. I've never once looked down on them or even judged them. I am quite sympathetic and I do my fair share to help) I noticed a poster at KFC advertising their new wicked-chicken-burger-crunch- combo. Their commercial on TV claims their new burger is so hot and spicy it'll burn your throat. As I continued waiting I took out my compact to re-touch my lipstick when a man carrying a gym bag came stumbling in while yelling obscenities. The entire food court became silent and parents who had small children quickly covered their ears and eyes as he began to yell every swear word known to mankind. Three mall security guards came running. It took all three of them to restrain him. A fourth security guard came and looked inside his bag, it was filled with empty beer bars. 'Someone's celebrating St. Patrick's Day early,' is what someone said nearby. 'A' returned just as security was hauling him out. After filling her in on what happened we tried the new KFC chicken burger. On a scale of 1-10, 1 being not hot and 10 being super hot, I give KFC's wicked-chicken-burger-crunch-combo a negative 10. I'm Latin so my tongue knows what hot and spicy is. And KFC's new chicken burger is neither.
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
