Cocaine Princess here.
It is said if you really wish hard for something it comes true. On that particular day Valentina wanted a clear view of the beach but her view was blocked by the tourist sitting in front of her, until he moved his chair.
ME: You got your wish- a clear unobstructed view of the beach. Thank your Fairy Godmother.
VALENTINA: For what? I asked for a clear view of the beach. Not a clear view of a beached whale. To repeat- why do fat, old guys wear speedos?
I told her it was my opinion the elderly man was most likely from Europe since most men from that part of the world like the tight fitting swim undies.
VALENTINA: Unless you have rock hard 6 pack abs no man should ever be allowed to wear them.
The man in the yellow speedos left behind his beach bag. It was still leaning against the umbrella post. After retrieving it he went back to his new seating location. As he walked back how can I describe what we saw. I’ll explain as best as I can:
The old overweight man in the yellow speedos HAD A WEDGIE! And both his butt cheeks jiggled like jell~o. Now there’s an image burned in my memory for good and joining that image was this: He then bent over and from his beach bag he grabbed a bottle of sun tanning oil. Until that day I’d never had the pleasure of seeing a full moon in broad daylight. It must have been my lucky day. Wow, it was quite a sight! Valentina couldn’t decide what was grossing her out more: his body hair, his over sized body squished in tight briefs or his wedgie. We both agreed- WEDGIE! Either he telepathically picked up what the two of us were talking about or perhaps he was feeling a tad “uncomfortable” because with his left hand he reached behind and pulled out the yellow piece of cloth that was wedged deep in between his butt cheeks.
VALENTINA: Holy Mother, this man has no shame.
Opening the cap and turning the bottle upside down he squirted a glop of oil on his shoulders. He slowly made his way down to his arms, hands and then his other arm and eventually over to his hairy stomach. This guy was so amusing to watch: Every time a pretty girl walked by he would suck in his stomach while he seductively continued to rub the oil around in a circular motion while flashing a smile.
VALENTINA: If he’s looking to score a girlfriend let’s hope he finds one who’s an esthetician. Big Foot is in serious need of a body wax.
I could tell the mere sight of him was stressing Valentina out so I suggested she focus her attention elsewhere, like the sparkling waves. Isn't it awesome how looking at some of nature’s finest creations can calm and relax you? But for some it isn’t that easy.
VALENTINA: How can I when he’s blocking the entire shoreline?
Yes, the guy was huge but I assure you not that huge! I tried changing the subject but after a couple of minutes the conversation would return back to Mr. GQ. I’d never seen Valentina like this before, so obsessed over a piece of clothing. Well at least not since last year’s spring~summer collection from the runway. She continued playing the role of fashion police:
VALENTINA: Didn’t he look in the mirror before he left the room?
ME: Maybe he did and maybe he thinks he looks great.
VALENTINA: Great? Pff! He should feel embarrassed.
Judging by this guy’s attitude he did not give one ounce of care. He was proud and acted like he was King of The Beach! In my previous post I wrote my honest opinion on what I thought about men in speedos. I would also like to add it takes a brave man to sport a pair of them in the color of yellow, especially if you’re on the heavy side.
I was only a few hours into my vaycay and Valentina’s non~stop fashion commentary was giving me a pounding headache. I had a Rum Runner but what I really needed was a shot of tequila to numb the pain! I needed a way badly to get her to quit talking about “why overweight men shouldn’t wear speedos.” She was on reason #35 and by the time she hit reason #50 I had just about had enough. Since changing the subject didn’t seem to work I thought a change of scenery would. Taking her by the hand we made our way to the water. Gucci decided to tag along.
Sitting along the shore, talking and making doodle designs in the sand with our fingers our “guard dog” was having the time of his life splashing his paws in the water....until a seagull landed nearby. He barked at it and when the scrawny bird flapped his wings and let out a screeching cry, Gucci let out a yelp and ran back up to SF.
ME: Don’t tell me he’s afraid of birds? My God, he needs to see a doggie shrink asap.
VALENTINA: Now will you finally believe me Gucci has a mental problem?
****
I couldn’t believe how quickly time went by. We must have sat on the shore for hours talking, laughing and giggling before venturing into the water. One of the things we love doing is jumping into the waves. It’s a totally fun thing to do and there was a bunch of us doing it, adults and kids. We all formed a line and held hands. Guess who decided to join in? Mr King Of The Beach. Valentina and I were in the middle holding hands with each other and beside us each were 2 teen girls. Speedo~Man went over on the left end where he held hands with a woman and said, “G'Day.”Hmm....what do you know? I was wrong. He wasn't from Europe!!
VALENTINA: Of all the resorts in the world Crocodile Dundee has to stay at ours.
To be Continued.....
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Whatever your plans are have a sweet and loving weekend.~x
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
