Cocaine Princess here.
Poodle Lady {P.L.} was inside my house. She was sitting on my leather couch drinking a cup of tea and eating a croissant. How does this unfortunate event occur? Well my lovelies let’s rewind back to a bitterly cold day last week.
LAST WEEK:
My sister was in the kitchen icing cupcakes and I was on the couch watching TV: “Pirates Of The Caribbean 3" for the millionth time while kicking back with a Diet Dr. Pepper.
“Why does P.L. have to come?” I asked.
“Because it’s her petition,” A replied.
By now you all should know about P.L. and her insane petitions. However her latest petition, all I can say is it’s quite possible she was having a rare lucid moment because it wasn’t all that insane.
BACKGROUND INFO:
A few years ago a housing developer bought some acres of land owned by a local in town. The land was filled with nothing but trees which meant that several hundred trees would have to be removed to make room for the houses. When news of this spread the regions environmentalists were angry and marched up to City Hall and demanded construction not take place. Some of these fanatics even chained themselves to the trees. It was the Developers VS. The Tree Huggers. Well, City Hall didn’t give a flying fig about saving some trees. They saw the town growing as a positive thing and sided with the developers.
POODLE LADY'S PETITION:
Another developer has recently entered into the picture and wants to clear yet several more acres to make room for a strip mall: a convenience store/gas bar, grocery store, hair salon, dollar store, LCBO, fast food restaurant, well you get the picture. The Petition Queen feels having a strip mall so close by will lower everyone’s property value and is dead set against it. She managed to gather quite a few signatures from the area. It’s actually the first time anyone in the area has seen eye to eye with her and once again the tree huggers are at it marching everyday with their signs: "HONK IF YOU LOVE MOTHER NATURE."
GETTING BACK TO THE CONVERSATION:
“Why did you have to go and volunteer our house?” I questioned.
“There was going to be another meeting with the parents anyways in regards to the school’s Christmas pageant so- ”
I cut her off mid sentence.
“Christmas Pageant? Good grief we haven’t even celebrated Halloween yet”
“The school calendar year goes very quickly. We have to plan ahead of time,” she explained.
“So what is this then? A Parent/Poodle Lady’s Petition Meeting?”
“I suppose you could call it that,” she answered.
“Are the other parents aware she’s going to be here or do you plan on surprising everyone by having her jump out of one of your cakes? Because I can honestly understand you not wanting to tell them ahead of time.”
I shuddered at the thought of P. L. popping out of a cake wearing nothing but a tiny sequence bikini, a fur boa around her neck and lipstick on her dentures, and I could certainly understand my sister not wanting to tell the others because then no one would show up.....which meant I would be stuck with her. Oh God! The horror of that thought made me panic so I asked:
“Please tell me the others all know?”
“Yes they all know she’s going to be here. Everyone believe it or not is taking an interest whether or not the strip mall should go up and each wants to hear what the other has to say.”
“They couldn’t have just emailed their opinions to each other? The petition is a waste of time,” I commented.
AND HERE'S WHY: Even if P.L. collected every single persons signature including every environmentalist in the entire region to protest against the developers, if City Hall wants a strip mall which they do, City Hall will get their strip mall. It’s pointless going up against them. They always, always side with the big developers. But hey, you still have to try and put up a fight, right?
“Can you please do me a favor?” my sister asked as she was taking out the second batch of cupcakes.
“Anything. Just name it,” I said back.
“When “XXXXXXXX” {my sister calls P.L. by her name} arrives can you please go without saying any snide remarks to her?”
“You didn’t let me finish, anything EXCEPT that.”
“I know you’re not fond of her-”
Again I cut her off mid sentence.
“That’s where you’re wrong. “NOT FOND” is a term I would not use when describing my feelings towards her. Here is how I would use that term:”
1. I am “NOT FOND” of seafood.
2. I am “NOT FOND” of cold weather.
3. I am “NOT FOND” when you force me to have a drinkie.
"Her, I simply don’t like. I intensely dislike her and what the hell here are two more words: incredibly annoying.”
“Can you please behave when she comes?”
After she uttered that sentence I nearly choked on my drink.
“What?” I asked.
“I said can you please behave when she comes.”
I was sitting so snuggly on the couch. I had found my comfy spot, had my favorite soft drink and best of all Johnny Depp was on TV but I knew this particular conversation would require me to get up off the couch and enter into the forbidden zone: AKA the kitchen.
“No, not WHAT as in WHAT I didn’t hear WHAT you said. It was the other WHAT as in I can’t believe you just said that,” I explained and as I did I couldn’t believe everything she had made: cupcakes, cookies, croissants, little sandwiches, mini pizzas, mac and cheese and she still wasn’t done.
“Now that we’ve cleared that up can I count on you to behave or not?” She asked again while grabbing a bunch of little juice boxes from the pantry and moving them into the refrigerator to chill.
Will I Behave?: That question echoed over and over in my head.
“Look at me,” I requested.
And so did and said,
“You look cute darling.”
“Thank you but that’s not what I meant. Sometimes I honestly think you mistake me for one your students.....Will I behave? Sheesh!”
“I’ll rephrase it: Will you please be nice to her?”
“Why? I don’t see why I have to. This is my house and what about her snide little remarks to me and the creepy way she stares at me from head to toe.”
“It’s not as if I’m asking you to roll out the red carpet and break out the champagne. All I’m asking is for you to act hospitable towards her. Is that so hard?”
“Yes it is,” I replied. “Why don't you ask her that question: Will you behave?”
My sister let out a sigh and did the head shaking thing.
“Alright it’s seems like it’s going to be one of those days where I’m not going to be able to get through to you. There’s no point in discussing it anymore.”
“Fine,” I said back and plopped myself back down on the couch.
10 MINUTES
Miss Martha Stewart was still in the kitchen doing her thing. She was putting the final touches on the cupcakes by putting maraschino cherries on top of each one of them. I was still on the couch just drumming my fingers on one of the pillows I had in my laps. 10 minutes went by had neither of us had said a word to one another. It was one of those uncomfortable type of silences. I myself was feeling so uncomfortable that my comfy spot was no longer comfy. I tried focusing my attention back on the movie but wasn’t into anymore. I hate it when there’s any type of friction between my sister and I because it creates such an unpleasant feeling inside of me that I get cranky and I remain that way until things are resolved between us.
I decided to get up and once again I re-entered the forbidden zone.
“How exactly am I suppose to be nice to someone I don’t like?” I questioned. “She’s not exactly innocent either you know. You ask that I refrain from saying any snide remarks to her but there’s a good reason for it. Have you ever heard her little remarks to me or her ridiculous questions and comments? Look what she did at the Breakfast Club. She told you I mouthed off to her which I never did and told me she was going to report me for not doing my "duties." I’m surprised she didn’t start a petition to ban me from ever volunteering again.”
“Even if she had do you really think anyone would have taken her seriously?”
“You did! You practically scolded me out on the field and told me to be the bigger person, to act civil.”
“And that’s all I’m asking of you again,” she said back calmly.
“What if I don’t want to? Just once I’d like to be the little person.”
“You’re better than that darling so I know you won’t let me down.”
I groaned a little and said,
“Poodle Lady better not refuse to take off her shoes because if she does then her and that pooch of hers are outta here.”
“Don’t worry everyone knows about your “NO SHOE WEARING RULE.”
I took a second look at the spread she had made.
“You could have saved yourself some time and energy by having the food catered and gone to Tim Hortons to pick up the sweet goodies.”
“I’m well aware of that darling but I wanted to make everything.”
I was puzzled and asked her why. She didn’t give me a response.
I noticed the bowl of chocolate frosting on the counter she had used on the cupcakes....Hmm, I bet it would be fun to run my fingers along the rim. Not only would it be fun but yummy I thought. “A” caught me staring at the bowl.
“You know you want to, go ahead.”
“No I don’t want to,” I said back. But really I did.
All of a sudden a weird feeling came over me and within seconds the doorbell rang.
It wasn’t so much like the sound of a door bell ringing as it was the sound of doomsday ringing.
To Be Continued.........
****
I’ve had one of those weeks where I was so busy that I didn’t know whether I was coming or going so I’m happy to say:
My loyal and dear readers it’s finally Friday and I breath a sigh of relief that it is!
Whatever your plans are have a phenomenal weekend.-x
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
