Cocaine Princess here.
“Happy Friday the 13th my lovelies!”
Let’s review:
........“Poodle Lady better not refuse to take off her shoes because if she does then her and that pooch of hers are outta here,” I said.
“Don’t worry everyone knows about your “NO SHOE WEARING RULE.”
I took a second look at the spread my sister had made.
“You could have saved yourself some time and energy by having the food catered and gone to Tim Hortons to pick up the sweet goodies.”
“I’m well aware of that darling but I wanted to make everything.”
I was puzzled and asked her why. She didn’t give me a response.
I noticed the bowl of chocolate frosting on the counter she had used on the cupcakes....Hmm, I bet it would be fun to run my fingers along the rim. Not only would it be fun but yummy I thought. “A” caught me staring at the bowl.
“You know you want to, go ahead.”
“No I don’t want to,” I said back. But really I did.
All of a sudden a weird feeling came over me and within seconds the doorbell rang.
It wasn’t so much like the sound of a door bell ringing as it was the sound of doomsday ringing.
It rang twice.
Part 2:
“Do I have to answer it?” I asked.
“I only have two hands so what do you think darling?” "A" answered as she took another batch of something out of the oven.
Very slowly I began my journey towards the foyer. The doorbell rang again.
"Quit being a slow poke and just answer it now," she said in a very stern voice.
"I'm going, I'm going," I replied back. "Sheesh, you're in a bossy mood today."
When I checked to see who it was there was a neatly dressed woman and a little girl who looked no more than 5 years old wearing a cute Burberry print coat. Very stylish. I knew the woman couldn’t have been a Jehovah Witness because of her attire. The JV women {at least the ones who come knocking up here everyday} have their own unique style: They wear long trench coats, their hair is always tied back and they carry over sized briefcases and the men- 3 piece suit, long trench coats, briefcase in their hands and always a fedora sits on their head. I did however see a bunch of leaflets in her hand. I was going to communicate with her through the intercom but against my better judgment I opened the door........which turned out to be a grave mistake. And I cannot emphasize the word “grave” enough.
Me: Hello.
Woman: {Bright & Chirpy}: Good afternoon!
She extended her hand and I shook it.
Me: Good Afternoon. Can I help you?
She remained chirpy.
Woman: My name is XXXXXX. I work for XXXXX-XXXXX Funeral Home.
No that is not a typo and yes I heard her correctly. She said Funeral home. Oh but wait it gets so much better so carry on reading my lovelies.
Me: Okay.....{Slight Pause}.....And you’re here because.....
Woman: I’m glad you asked that. Did you know planning in-advanced for the death of a loved one or even yourself is becoming increasingly popular?
Hand to heaven I didn't know what to say. It was one of those “Huh?” moments. I just stood there in silence and somewhat confused. She continued:
“The death of a loved one is a time of great loss and advanced planning can reduce stress for your family with the knowledge that your pre-plan has been completed. Your loved ones will be able to commit more time to cope and understand the loss and less time concerned with funeral arrangements and financial details. Too many pre-planning a funeral before one is needed is a sensible idea. We offer different payment plans.......”
As she continued talking I thought to myself was this for real? Someone must be pulling a prank on me, yeah that's got to be it. I then turned my attention to her daughter. She was so sweet looking and just stood there smiling at me without a care in the world. Whether or not she understood what her mama was selling or even saying, I don’t know. Nor do I know why she would even bring her daughter along? Seriously, like why? Hmm, maybe it was “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day.”
God knows why but I turned my attention back to her mama's morbid speech.
“......This weekend we’re having an open house. You will be able to tour the home, speak one on one with our funeral director and perhaps pick out a casket. We're offering a 20% off discount this weekend only and we will be offering funeral packages. Would you be interested?”
And what was my answer to her gracious invite?:
“Eww! No! I don’t want to take a frigging tour of your funeral home! Are you crazy?”
I was stunned. It’s like she didn’t hear a word I said because this was her reply:
Woman: Or if being cremated is more your taste, we are one of the very few funeral homes in the area that has an on site crematory.
I cut her off.
“What are you some type of body snatcher who goes door to door obsessing about death? Shoo!”
At that moment Miss Bossy who had been listening the whole entire time came rushing towards the front door still in her apron and holding some type of kitchen utensil. She pushed me to one side.
A: Thank you for stopping by. Have a nice day.
As she went to close the door the woman still would not give up.
Woman: Before I leave please take this–
She handed my sister the leaflet.
“This has all the information including 2 passes stapled inside, directions and a list of mistakes to avoid when pre-planning a funeral. Will you be in attendance?”
A: I’ll get back to you. Thank you again.
With the leaflet in her hand she finally shut the door, paused for a brief second, turned around and shook her head while looking at me.
“Child, what is the matter with you?....Shoo? That's not how you speak to people.”
“A woman just rang our doorbell asking whether or not I was interested in arranging my own funeral or perhaps even yours and you’re asking what’s wrong with ME? You should be asking HER that damn question!”
My sister was quiet for several seconds before she said anything:
“I admit it is strange to be going door to door selling funeral packages.”
I went from stunned to being in shock. Actually I couldn’t quite make up my mind as to what I was more shocked at : the fact that someone tried to convince me to start planning my own funeral or the fact my sister for the first time in history had no witty or sarcastic comeback to one of my replies.
"Why didn't you come sooner to the door?"
"Because I didn't think you were going to tell a complete and total stranger Shoo," she answered.
"You know I don't like talking about funerals and everything else that goes with it. How else did you think I was going to react?"
Again no reply. But I did get a hug.
I don’t normally read the financial section of the newspaper nor do I watch any business related new shows but for those of you who do I ask you this my lovelies:
Is the funeral business that slow these days they need to send a mouthpiece to come knocking on people’s doors to drum up business? Despite the “NO SOLICITING” sign near the front door which more than often goes ignored I’ve had a lot of salespeople come ring my doorbell and try to persuade me into buying whatever it is their selling but this was a first!
In case you’re wondering the answer is yes. Yes, I feel deeply terrible for the words that came uttering out of my mouth to the woman only because her daughter was there but it was an honest gut reaction. I couldn’t help it. Oh boy she wasn't exactly the Avon Lady was she?
I fully understand death is a part of life and there comes a time when everyone must deal with it in some way or another but for me personally it’s not something I wish to think about. And as for the people who have to deal with this type of stuff everyday, I don’t know how they have the stamina to deal with grief on a daily basis. I suppose one would need to build up some type of emotional detachment from all the grief and sadness. One would have to especially if they work at a funeral home. Hmm, all of a sudden Grave Digger Billy who is Groundskeeper Willy's cousin just popped into my head.
For some odd reason I became curious and decided to glance through the leaflet. Everything she had said word for word was printed inside. Why couldn’t she have just dropped it in the mailbox?
“Why did you say you would get in touch? Oh God you're not thinking of going are you?” I questioned A.
“Darling I was just being cordial. I didn’t mean it for goodness sakes.”
“A” kept asking if I was okay. She knew I was thinking back to one dreadful day. I was sitting in a slumped position on the sofa clutching one of the pillows tight.
“Yeah I’m okay,” I mumbled.
“You sure darling? Wanna cupcake? They’re chocolate with fudge frosting.”
“Yes.....No.....Yes.....Well.....”
I kept flip flopping on my answer but ultimately decided on no.
A Short While Later
The doorbell rang again.
“There’s no way I’m answering that,” I stated.
“And I wasn’t going to ask you darling,” A said exiting the kitchen.
The Grim Reaper already paid me a visit. Who could it be now, Satan’s Secretary perhaps?
Nope but I was very close.
It was....her....
Poodle Lady.
I recognized her voice. It’s piercingly shrilly.
“I brought my inside slippers, can I wear these?” she asked.
“Sure you can,” replied A.
"Inside slippers," I thought to myself while rolling my eyes. I could hardly wait to see her slippers and I could hardly wait to see if her pooch’s paws would be in matching slippers too.
To Be Continued.....
My loyal and dear readers it’s finally Friday!
Whatever your plans are have a sensational weekend.-x
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
