Cocaine Princess here.
As promised and although I’m still battling a cold I managed to post the next thrilling installment. Enjoy.
To review:
The woman, who I’d never seen before was heading straight towards us.
ME: Who is she?
VALENTINA: Topless Barbie’s best friend. I call her Flaky Barbie. She’s the maid of honor and....
ME: And what?
VALENTINA: Senor Bling’s girlfriend, you know the one who was asking questions about you.
Winter Vaycay: Pet Cemetery
ME: This is what you were concerned about? Her, blind~siding me?
VALENTINA: Yes and her has a name, Flaky Barbie.
I didn’t get it.
ME: Why would you think she would blind~side me?
It was a perfectly legitimate question. It’s not like I didn’t know he has a girlfriend.....Okay I will admit I had no idea she was the maid of honor but as for being blind~sided, not at all.
VALENTINA: I bet he’s going to be flaunting her around at the wedding, in particular he’ll be flaunting her in your face. "Look at me, I’m dating." This is why I was trying to fix you up with a guy.
This time I was the one rolling my eyes. The weeks leading up to my holidays Valentina kept insisting she allow me to let her fix me up with someone.
ME: Is that why you wanted me to have a date for this wedding?
VALENTINA: Don’t you want him to know you’ve moved on?
ME: How does me being single qualify as not moving on? Look, I don’t care what he thinks and as I’ve said a million and one times before I don’t care about him or what goes on in his life.
VALENTINA: I’m only thinking of you.
As crazy as this may sound, I love Valentina. Our friendship dates back to our designer diaper days. The point I’m trying to make is: she means well and her heart is always in the right place.
VALENTINA: I think it’s a desperate move on his part that he brought that flake.
I explained he didn’t bring her. She was in the wedding party.
VALENTINA: Then it's a pretty desperate move that he's dating someone in the wedding party. She’s all fake you know.
And at that moment Valentina began to pick apart The Fake Flake. {Her words not mine} From her blonde hair extensions that looked more like straw plucked from a bale of hay than human hair to her Cheetos colored tan to this:
VALENTINA: Look at her chest.
ME: I’d rather not.
VALENTINA: I don’t think those are implants. I think she stuffed 2 beach balls in her top. You want to know why I call her Flaky?
ME: Nope.
VALENTINA: Are you bothered he has a girlfriend?
ME: He could walk in with a dozen Playmates on each arm and I could care less.
VALENTINA: Are you going to talk to her?
As quietly as I could I pleaded that she change the subject. She was silent for a good 2 minutes or so.
VALENTINA: So what do you think?
My toes were being polished when she asked and assuming she was referring to the color I selected, I replied:
ME: I like it. It’ll go nicely with my outfit tomorrow.
VALENTINA: Not that. I’m talking about her implants. Do you think Senor Bling, I mean whose name shall not be mentioned, do you think he shelled out the dinero for those beach balls?
My God, it was like talking to a brick wall! At times I wonder if the reason Valentina talks so much is because she enjoys the sound of her own voice. No, I wasn’t interested in how she paid for her beach balls. One of the best things I enjoy about spending the day at the spa is the peace and calmness that comes along with it but that day I wasn’t able to feel neither peace or calmness. If anything I had a damn headache. I felt like a tree with a pair of woodpeckers on each side pecking away. Woodpecker #1: Valentina, who would not let go of the subject of whose name shall not be mentioned and Woodpecker #2: Topless Barbie: You know how sometimes there’s a loud conversation taking place and you happen to be nearby and you overhear it? Technically it’s not considered eavesdropping, right? She was using her outside voice and enlightening her best friend about the “meow” and what do you know, Flaky Barbie had a logical explanation:
FLAKY BARBIE : Maybe a cat snuck inside. A homeless cat.
TOPLESS BARBIE: But nobody saw or heard the cat. Only me.
FLAKY BARBIE: That’s spooky. Maybe it was a Ghost. A cat~ghost. Is it cat~ghost or ghost~cat?
TOPLESS BARBIE: You think it might be my cat that died?
She was so dramatic in asking her question she placed her hand across her heart.
As the story goes: Once Upon A Time, The Panamanian’s Wife had a cat when she was little and like all pets in life her cat died. Apparently Flaky convinced Topless the “meow” she heard was the spirit of her late cat. A cat named Minka. The end.
TOPLESS BARBIE: Minka is trying to contact me. Why now? What do you suppose it means?
You want to know what it means? It means you’ve been smoking a little something especially if you believe the spirit of your late cat is haunting you from beyond Pet Cemetery or, perhaps I was high from the nail polish fumes and imagined the whole conversation? Of course the latter was not true. Never in my life have I heard a more absurd conversation, however it did get me thinking: what was correct: “Cat-Ghost” or “Ghost-Cat?” Oh my God. Being around these two was proving to be extremely harmful to my brain cells. I looked at Valentina– the person responsible for all this. Her face was covered with a magazine she had taken from the pouch attached to the pedicure chair. I knew she wasn’t reading. Judging from the way her shoulders were moving slightly up and down I could tell she was laughing.
FLAKY BARBIE: Some couples include pets into their wedding. Maybe Minka feels left out. Why not include her?
TOPLESS BARBIE: How can I? Minka is dead, remember?
FLAKY BARBIE: Then there's no way you can include Minka in the wedding.
Slight pause....
FLAKY BARBIE: I have an idea. Maybe you can rent a cat? Let’s find a pet rental store.
Valentina lowered the magazine she was ahem, reading and leaning in towards me she whispered:
VALENTINA: Can you imagine these two brainiacs on Jeopardy?
Good grief! And so it began....The Giggles! Honest to God I tried my hardest to suppress
them but just couldn’t especially after I pictured both Topless and Flaky on an educational game show. One good thing to come out from my giggling is their absurd conversation came to an end which now that I think back turned out to be a bad thing because Topless Barbie tapped my arm questioning what was so funny? I lied by explaining Valentina and I were recalling a funny incident from the past which then led to this:
TOPLESS BARBIE: Chica, I forgot to introduce you to my best friend. Did you know she’s dating your ex?
If I had to list my most awkward moments this would definitely top the list.
To Be Continued.
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My loyal and dear readers, it’s finally Friday.
Whatever your plans are have a superb weekend.~x
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
