Cocaine Princess here.
“Part 1: The Yuletide Fool”
Last Saturday my sister and I went Christmas shopping. We left early with this in mind: we leave early, we’ll be home early because later that same evening we had a birthday/Christmas party to attend. By 9am the entire parking lot was full. I failed to realize the mall opened at 8am with some stores opening as early as 6am. You would think a shop-aholic like myself would have known that information. Finding a mall parking spot during the holiday season is quite a job in itself. I circled around several parking sections and cars were already waiting in ques for shoppers to return. I decided to do the same. I waited in one section.
It wasn’t a very long wait when a family of 5 came out pushing a cart full of bags. They, the parents strapped their kids into their SUV and then loaded in the presents. The driver waved at me and drove off. As I was about to pull in, the car behind me, pulled in front and took my parking spot!
ME: What the----
A: Darling never mind.
ME: Never mind? No! That was my parking spot! I’m entitled to it.
I hit the power window button.
A: Child just leave it alone, please.
ME: I’m only going to have a polite exchange of words.
My sister was a little worried. Several Christmases ago at the very same mall we were shopping at a similar event occurred. Only the driver stepped out of his car to confront the person who stole his parking space and exchanged several not so polite words. The other driver in the car pulled out a gun and shot and killed the person who confronted him. And recently as in 3 weeks ago 2 people got into a heated argument over a parking space. One pulled out a knife and gutted the other guy leaving him in his own pool of blood as he slashed all his tires. I realize for some Christmas can be a stressful time, tensions are high, people’s blood pressures are up and someone taking your parking space may just push you over the edge but it’s definitely not something to lose your life over or spend the rest of your life in jail over. When the driver got out of his car I stuck my head out the window.
ME: Excuse me?
The gentleman, you know what I take that back. He was no gentleman! The “Yuletide Fool” turned around and pointed his finger to himself. I nodded yes. Yes I’m talking to you.
ME: That was my parking space. I was waiting here first.
The Yuletide Fool shrugged his shoulders and replied:
Y.F: You snooze you loose.
And then he did something really strange: He gave me a soldier’s salute and wished me a Merry Christmas and proceeded to enter into the mall. I looked at my sister.
A: Just let it roll off of you and move on.
ME: Move where? There’s no parking space. Our only option now is to park on the street around the block and walk on over here. We wouldn’t be in this predicament if you had agreed to go with a driver like I had suggested. Instead of me driving aimlessly around he would have dropped us off in front of the mall doors. We probably would have been done our shopping by now. But you said, “nooooo, we don’t need him today.”
A: Am I going to be hearing about this all day now?
ME: No......You’ll be hearing about it all week.
And then it happened. I received a sign..... no not from the universe. A man dressed as an elf was actually holding a sign: VALET PARKING. It was being offered by one of the department stores. So I zoomed on over to the other side of the mall {I didn’t really zoom. I was doing the 20km limit} and handed my keys to the attendant.
“Part 2: Whatever Happened To That Guy From Wham?”
“A” and I were shopping together for items at The Bay. We found what we needed and waited our turn in line. The line was soooooo long and I didn’t mind one bit. The store’s ambiance was incredibly jolly. Everyone was smiling, not a frowned face to be seen. An organist in the middle of the store wearing a tuxedo with a top hat was playing Christmas melodies. The entire store had been totally transformed into a magical Christmas land with awesome decorations you didn’t want to take your eyes off of while very attractive looking ballerinas dressed as sugar plum fairies were passing out perfume samples and peppermint candies to customers on their tippie-toes.
The organist had finished playing 3 tunes:
We Wish You A Merry Christmas
Hark The Herald Angels Sing
O’Christmas Tree
His 4th tune was unfamiliar to me. I asked my sister if she knew. The customer behind us gave me the answer instead.
MALE CUSTOMER: Last Christmas by Wham.
I turned around and thanked him. The only part of the song I knew was the chorus so when it came to that part I sang the words in my head. The customer was right about the song but the instrumental version of the song being played on an organ sounded really funny...... “A” uttered a tiny sigh.
ME: What’s wrong?
A: I’m just remembering this song. I was in high school when it came out....... Thinking about my high school days always makes me feel so old.
I very quietly said and of course I was joking:
ME: You feel old because you are old.
A: I heard that.
MALE CUSTOMER: She maybe old but her hearing is still sharp.
I have no idea why the customer who shall now be known as Mr. Nosy felt the need to make such a remark or why he was listening in on our conversation. We ignored him. Immediately following Wham’s Last Christmas the next song being played was “Frosty The Snowman.” I stopped humming during the 2nd verse because I had a question:
ME: Whatever happened to that guy from Wham? Not George Michael, the other one, what’s his name?
Before “A” even had a chance to open her mouth Mr. Nosy filled me in on the details.
MR. NOSY: Andrew Ridgeley was the other member. He married one of the girls from Bananarama.
I turned around and gave him a look that meant: DO YOU MIND? He failed to pick up on it. He asked me:
MR. NOSY: How’s it going? {Looking at the items in my hands} Who are you shopping for?
Oh boy. This guy could not take a hint. I turned around pretending not to hear what he said. {The next day I did a wikipedia search on Andrew Ridgeley. Mr. Nosy was indeed correct} As Frosty was ending and “Winter Wonderland” was beginning our turn was at last approaching. Only 3 customers remained. I took notice how cute and cheerful the cashier was. She was dressed in one of those holiday themed sweaters and a glittery headband sat on top of her head. As she bagged the customers items she would wish them each a “Merry Christmas/Joyeux Noël.” Personally I like saying “Joyeux Noël.” It sounds more prettier. Anyways, saying those words did not sit well with the customer she was serving.
WOMAN: I do not observe Christmas so I do not like having Merry Christmas thrown in my face. I am not buying presents, these items are for my own personal use.
The sales associate was slightly taken aback by the customer. The customer used a very hostile tone. She went on to say she felt it was wrong to have Christmas decorations in the store when not everyone who shops in the store celebrates the holiday. Good grief can you believe she even found the store’s Santa offensive? My sister leaned in and in a low whisper said, she {customer} probably was in a bad mood to begin with about something else.
MR. NOSY: My thoughts exactly. I was thinking the same thing.
Holy Rudolph! What was this guy's problem?! Sheesh! Go away dude! Shoo!!
The customer left with her items after she was done paying. I looked at the cashier’s face. The glowing spark she displayed moments earlier disappeared on account of one customer's remark.
“Part 3: YOU HAVE YOUR CELL PHONE, DIAL 911”
Afterward “A” and I parted ways and agreed to meet at a set time to eat and it was MY TURN to pick which meant no eating in the food court. I had presents to pick up for “A” that were on hold for me at several different stores. By the time I was done it was almost time to eat.
.......Finishing up a fantastic meal my sister requested I do something for her. Taking a piece of paper out her bag she asked:
A: Darling can you please go to “The Bulk Barn” for me and get these items that are on this list ? I’m baking a cake.
I know, odd request! My reply? It was the standard:
ME: Eww.
A: I take that as a no?
ME: Yes that’s correct. Why can’t you go?
My sister explained she was feeling tired. For the past week she had been coming home late from work: teacher-parent conferences, staff meetings, before and after school Christmas pageant rehearsals etc.
ME: Why are you baking a cake- oh my god! It’s not another neighborhood meeting is it? Because if it is I am putting my foot down: that demented nut job {Poodle Lady} is never and I mean never stepping foot inside our house ever again. I will fight you on this if I have to.
A: PL is not welcomed in our house anymore. It’s not another neighborhood meeting. In fact it’s not any type of meeting.
ME: Then what’s the cake for?
A: For the cookie exchange party.
I mumbled an oh my god followed by a good grief and for an ending I rolled my eyes.
A: Now what’s the matter?
ME: Here’s what the matter: I find this whole exchanging of cookies a really peculiar ritual. Don’t ask me why, I just do.
A: I’ll have you know it’s a very common, seasonal ritual.
ME: What it is, is a creepy and bizarre ritual.
A: Creepy and bizarre? You’re making it sound as if it’s a pagan ritual of some sort.
ME: It might as well be.
A: The jig is up. Nothing gets by you pudgy. You guessed it. The Cookie Exchange Party is really a cover up. We’re really a bunch of witches and once a year during the holidays we get together and exchange incantations and spells.
ME: How does you baking a “cake” fit into a “cookie” party?
A: I’m baking a large cookie cake similar to the ones you see at Mrs. Fields.
ME: Then why don’t you just buy one from there instead of wasting your time and energy baking it? I’ll even pay for it, okay?
A: No it’s not okay. I want to bake it. So can you please go for me?
ME: Am I being punished for something? Whatever it is I did, I’m sorry. Please don’t send me there. I don’t want to go, please don’t make me.
A: Good heavens child I’m not sending you to prison. It’s The Bulk Barn. Calm down, please.
ME: I can’t calm down. I don’t want to go.
Slight pause.
A: I see what the problem is. The Princess is afraid of doing a little hard work. What’s the matter, is my little darling Princess fearful she may break a nail? Are you worried your perfectly set hair may fall out of place?
Yeah, I didn’t find what she said funny either.
ME: What if I do break a nail?
A: You have your cell phone, dial 911 with your good hand. I’m almost certain the police will come to your rescue when they hear a Princess is in distress at The Bulk Barn.
Again, not funny.
A: I would go myself but all I want to do is sit here and relax with my cup of coffee.
ME: You could have given the list to the cleaning lady.
A: I know but I forgot. I’ll make you a deal: if you do this little request the next 5x we go out it’ll be your decision where we dine.
Hmm.....
ME: Make it 10.
A: That’s pushing it. 5x is generous.
ME: Never will I understand how 2 people who were raised in the same house by the same mother can be so different. You’re baking a cookie cake? Really?.......Is there anything else I can get for you?
I wasn’t expecting an answer but I received one anyways.
A: A donut?
ME: Huh?
A: A donut from Tim Horton’s please. There’s a Tim’s on your way there.
I got up from my chair.
ME: If you’re in the mood for dessert order something off the menu.
A: I feel like eating a donut. There are no donuts on the menu. When you’re done meet me in the sitting area by the Disney Store.
This time I was the one who uttered a sigh, it was a very deep and depressing one as I took the list from her. I, the Princess proceeded to go to the....{gulp}....The Bulk Barn. Eww.
“Part 4: Lick Your Thumb & Pointer Finger”
The “Eww” place was located on the other side of the mall in the basement. It took a good 15 minutes on account of how crowded the mall was and being stopped every couple of minutes by a variety of people.
1} I was stopped and questioned by a person holding a clipboard if I was happy with my cell phone carrier? I answered yes.
2} I was stopped by the Hickory Farms lady and asked if I cared to sample any of the cheese samples on toothpicks on the platter she was holding. I politely declined.
3} I was stopped by a customer service rep from the city’s newspaper. If I signed up for home delivery get this: I would receive a solar calculator AND a set of stainless steel knives as a thank you gift!! I let him know I already was a subscriber.
4} The Salvation Army: I always feel guilty if I don’t drop a few dollars in the Sally Ann Kettle.
I’m quite positive all my lovelies know what a bulk food store is. In case there's somebody who doesn't here's my explanation: a bulk store has gigantic bins filled with an assortment of dried foods, mixtures, spices nuts etc. You lift up the bin lid and with a metal scoop you scoop up whatever it is you need and pour the contents in a plastic bag and then you write down the bin # on the bag. I’m reading through the list of ingredients. First item: granulated sugar. The “eww” place was packed back to back with people. I politely had to peak over the customer’s shoulders so I could see which was the sugar bin. It would have been a lot easier if the signs in the store were written high above the bin rather than on the bin itself. The aisles were so narrow you had to walk sideways and because I was carrying so many bags by accident I kept hitting people with them either in their shoulders or in their backs. I lost count how many times I said “oops I’m so sorry.” I received a couple of nasty looking glares even after apologizing. Hey don’t blame me, I thought. Blame my sister. Visiting a "barn" wasn't on my weekend to-do list! I didn’t want to leave the bags containing the gifts with “A” in case she was tempted to take a peak because God knows I would if I was in her place. I held on tightly to everything and I refused to put the bags down on the floor in case somebody shady was lurking and attempting to score a free bag full of luxury gifts. I finally located the sugar bin. I grabbed the plastic roll bag and tore off several since I knew I would be needing to fill more than one. At that moment I encountered an annoying problem: The little frigging plastic bag would not open. At first I thought I had the wrong end so I tried the other end. Nope it still would not open. Was the bag damaged? I put it down to one side and checked the others. None of them would open either. Just my luck. I tore several more bags off and I couldn’t get any of them to open. A customer standing at the next bin could see my frustration.
HELPFUL CUSTOMER: Those little bags can be tricky to open. Lick your thumb and pointer finger and then give it a go.
I looked at her and thought: lick my thumb and pointer finger? In public? You serious? I didn’t have much of a choice. I did what she said. Hey, it worked! I thanked her.
One down.......9 to go. The more I thought about it the more I was convinced “A” sent me to the bulk store for her own personal amusement. It was true she had been coming home late from work and I had been noticing how tired lately she had been. She alleges she had these meetings etc. but how do I really know that? For all I know she could very well be heading to the bars with the other teachers for a little after work drinkie. I pictured her back up in the restaurant laughing at me in a really sinister way. The next time she comes home late from work I’ll be smelling her breath.
I had one more item to locate, the maraschino cherries. As I went up and down the aisles in search for them I noticed something really peculiar looking in one of the bins. Looking at it I couldn’t quite make out what it was. It was a funny shaped fruit. Hmm, I guessed they were dried peach slices but couldn’t understand why they were next to the doggie treats. I was wrong. They weren't dried peach slices. The sign on the bin read: Dried Pigs Ears. Was I ever sorry I looked.
The cherries were in aisle #7 inside a huge pail. Scooping up the cherries required a little bit of effort on my part. First I needed to find a container but didn’t see any. I asked one of the employees and was informed there were more located in aisle #4. Over in aisle #4 was a woman standing over an open bin with a handful of chocolate chips in the palms of her hands. She tasted one and looked at me.
LADY: I’m sampling to see if they’re any good. I’m making muffins.
Did I say anything lady? No. As I went to pick up my container the woman took the handful of chips and put them in her mouth all at once. Tsk, tsk, tsk, ONE is sampling. A HANDFUL is not.
Back to the cherries: This is where the little bit of effort on my part comes in. I was wearing long sleeves so I had to roll them up because I didn’t want any of the cherry goop to land on my cashmere sweater. The pail was quite deep and half full which required me to lean in and with the large hook like spoon thingy I scooped up the cherries and filled up the container. I wasn’t sure how much “A” needed. All she wrote: container of maraschino cherries. To be on the safe side I picked up a large container and if there was any extra leftovers I’m sure Miss Martha Stewart would put it to good use.
I’m pleased to report I successfully found and bagged up every item on the list. Waiting my turn in line to pay the cashier wished everyone a Merry Christmas and you know what? Not one single person expressed any type of unhappiness. They all wished her a Merry Christmas in return and so did I.
Next stop: Tim Horton’s. The line was almost as twice as long as the one at The Bay. Never will I understand people’s addiction to coffee. Hmm, I wonder if it’s similar to my addiction to Diet. Dr. Pepper?.........42 frigging minutes I stood waiting in line to get my sister a single donut when she easily could have ordered something tasty like creme brûlée that would have been nicely served to her on a lovely plate back at the restaurant. Instead she wanted a 60 cent dessert brought back to her in a recycled brown paper bag.
“Part 5: Humiliation At Disney”
As promised my sister was waiting in the little sitting area in front of the Disney store. I found it amusing since she was the only female sitting there. The rest were all men holding shopping bags and by the looks on their faces it seemed as if they lost the will to live.
ME: Here. Here is your donut.
A: Thank you darling.
ME: And here. You’re holding "this."
"This" was the barn bag. It was a bright, yellow plastic bag with the name of the store written in big thick red block letters, large enough that I bet it could seen from outer space. Before taking a bite out of her donut she said:
A: After all that “hard” work you must be in desperate need of a mani/pedi.
ME: As a matter of fact I already booked my appointment....as well as a facial. A deal’s a deal right?
A: Yes. The next 3x we go out you get to choose the restaurant.
ME: No, no, not 3. We agreed 5x.
A: Are you sure? I could swore we agreed on 3x.
ME: Don’t even try it.
A: I’m teasing. You go on ahead inside Disney. I’ll be there in a moment.
The birthday party we were attending in the evening was for a 5 year old little girl who was totally into all things Cinderella. I called up the store a few days earlier and asked if they could put Cinderella related items that would be suited for a 5 year old to one side. It had been ages since I had been inside this store and couldn’t believe how lively and energetic the place was.
“A” and I selected the items we knew the birthday girl would adore and waited again in a very long line. At least this time there was nobody nosy standing behind us.
When we left the store the alarm went off. You know that ear piercing beep-beep-beep sound that causes everyone to stop what they’re doing and stare at you like you're a criminal? The store’s security guard stopped me. And by stopped I mean she grabbed onto my left wrist. She was a large, husky looking woman who demanded I step back into the store. The security guard reminded me of someone but I couldn't quite put my finger on who. As you should know by now my sister is a very calm person who hardly ever gets upset or even loses her temper but seeing a total stranger who would not let go off my wrist upset her.
A: Kindly remove your hand from her please otherwise I will.
S. G: She’s being detained mamn. I need to search her bag for stolen merchandise.
A: She hasn’t stolen anything.
S.G. That’s for me to determine.
ME: Go ahead and search. Knock yourself out. I’ve paid for every single item.
Taking the bag from me and finally letting go of my wrist she dumped everything on to a table filled with neatly folded Disney character T-shirts.
S.G. And the receipt?
ME: Check the bottom of the bag.
I assumed one of two things.
1} The cashier forgot to remove a sensor tag.
2} The cashier forgot to demagnetize the sensor on an item.
With the receipt she matched up each item. Slowly some of the customers inched towards where we were to see what was happening. I heard one little girl ask her mom what I had stolen? I said to myself: Little Girl I didn’t steal anything. Go and play with some toys. Never in my life have I ever felt such humiliation. I’ve never gone through anything like this before. Checking off each item she put everything back into the bag and returned it to me.
ME: Satisfied Nancy Drew? Am I free to go now?
I probably should have refrained from calling her Nancy Drew because the next thing out of her mouth:
S.G. Unzip your handbag please.
Handbag? Sheesh! Now I was the one who was offended. I decided to give her a little lesson in fashion.
ME: It’s not a handbag. It’s a Birkin okay?
I don't think she cared. I unzipped the Birkin and inside went her un-manicured, manlike hands in search of “stolen merchandise.” She wasn't searching so much as she was molesting it. After unsuccessfully finding anything I was instructed to walk out the store with my other bags one at a time. The first time, there was no beep. She gestured for me to return and try it with the other bag and when I did the alarm went off and so of course she searched that bag next. Before I had a chance to ask that she not dump everything out.....it was too late. The presents I had bought were all out in the open for everyone, in particular for “A” to see. I let out a groan. Seriously, would it have killed her to look inside the bag instead of laying everything out? I could tell by the expression on “A’s” face she knew the items were for her. Ohhh I was so angry! She patted down each item and inside one of the items was a sensor tag still in place.
S.G. Do you have any proof you purchased this and the other items?
The receipt was lying on top one of the items in plain sight. I don't know how she could have missed it. I just pointed to it.
Looking at the receipt:
S.G: How did you exit the store without the alarm going off.
ME: How should I know?
Actually it was a very good question.
A: Is she free to go now?
Before returning the bag to me the S.G. grabbed everything and tossed them back into the bag like it was garbage.
S.G. You’re free to go. I would suggest you return back to the store and have the tag removed.
Oh geez I hadn't thought of that....... So back at the boutique the sales associate was very apologetic after I told her what happened. Removing the tag my sister asked:
A: Are your sensors not turned on?
SALES GIRL: We don’t always turn them on. If it’s really busy in the store we will. We have a security guard in the back monitoring the store on a surveillance camera.
ME: Don’t you think if you had them turned on I could have been spared the humiliation at Disney? The problem would have been resolved here.
She had no reply other then repeating sorry over and over again.
I was very quiet on the drive home. One of IIo's song was playing on the radio. Since I wasn't singing out loud as I always do each time that particular song airs my sister knew there was something wrong.
A: You're not still upset are you? Darling just wipe out what happened today from your mind.
ME: I'm upset knowing you saw some of your presents. It took a lot of careful thinking on my part. You know you're not an easy person to shop for.
A: If it makes you feel better I love them all. I’ll pretend to be excited when I open them. Does that make you feel a little better?
I shrugged my shoulders.
ME: I suppose.
A: Some of my gifts? You mean there’s more than what I saw?
ME: You’re just going to have to wait and see. Ho-Ho-Ho.
We arrived home near evening time and I still had to change and get ready for the party. It had been such a long, tiring and interesting day. Tis the season to be merry? Hmm, it’s more like Tis the season for exhaustion.
As I was getting myself dolled up for the party it suddenly hit me who the security guard reminded me of. I went into my sister's bedroom and told her.
A: Who did she remind you of?
ME: Mimi from The Drew Carey Show.
She laughed.
I had a blast at the party. The first couple of hours was dedicated to the little 5 year old. When she and the rest of the little lambs were put to bed it was time for the grown ups to have their party.
****
My loyal and dear readers it's finally Friday!
Whatever your plans are have a thrilling weekend.-x
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
