"Hmm, Do Cows Know How Good They Taste?"

 Cocaine Princess here.

I've had possibly one of the most exhausting weeks ever that I had no idea it was even Friday so please excuse this very short post.

Yesterday while out for my morning run I had the scare of my life. I said, "Oh my God!!" and quite loudly I might add because honestly I thought I saw a snake on the sidewalk. I nearly jumped out of my skin. 

When I took a closer look it wasn't a snake.

So what was it? Take a look:

It was a frigging shoe lace!! Go ahead and laugh. The 60-something year old crossing guard laughed as did the 5 and 6 year old little lambs he was helping cross the street. One of them ran over, picked it up and stuffed it into his coat pocket. Before I had a chance to ask if the shoelace belonged to him he ran back to his flock.

I don't know why the first thing that came to mind when I saw a long, thin and squiggly object was a snake but it just did. Afterward I thought to myself, "I live in a cold climate. Like a snake is going to be slithering around in -17C weather? Sheesh!" 

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As soon as I post this I'm going back under the covers and if Mr. Sandman has even one ounce of compassion he'll allow me to sleep until Sunday but I doubt he will. I may have muttered a couple of curse words at him as I was heating up warm milk in the microwave early this morning. Early as in 2am. As I carried my weary self into the family room I turned on the TV trying to find something boring to watch in hopes it would put me in a slumber. It’s funny how something boring can be interesting to watch. For example, I turned on the “Agricultural News” and thought if this doesn’t put me to sleep nothing will! I was wrong. I had no idea tractor sales in my province rose 20% and here’s an interesting fun fact: the total number of cattle and calves up here:14.32 million including 1.5 million dairy cattle. After hearing this fun fact I sipped on my milk I and wondered, hmm, do cows know how good they taste? Especially during their summer when they’re grilled on the BBQ? And while we're on the subject of milk, whoever said that warm milk can help you sleep I'm beginning to think was wrong.  

My loyal and dear readers it's finally Friday

Whatever your plans are have a superb weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,

Cocaine Princess

Winter Vaycay: "Cue Jaws Theme Music"

 Cocaine Princess here.
       
.....I let him know how surprised I was to see him at the dinner party. “I was roped into coming here tonight. I wasn’t expecting to see you either,” he said, “I thought for sure you would have been in St. Croix?” “St. Croix? Why would I be there?” I questioned. “That’s where the rest of the gang is.” I had an extremely puzzled look on my face and cousin could tell so he explained. “Everyone decided to spend Christmas there and then fly down here to the mainland to party on New Year’s Eve. Didn’t Valentina tell you?” “Ah, no.” I answered. “This is the first time I’m hearing of it.”

Well, well well, so the rest of the gang is in St. Croix so why am I'm at Bug's Lady house? Hmm, as soon as Valentina would return I would find out why..........Things were finally starting to get interesting.
       
Valentina returned with a glass of Coke in her hand. “You would not believe where I found that waiter: he was outside having a smoke,” she said angrily. I told her he was probably on his break but she couldn’t be bothered to listen to what I had just said. She was bothered by something else: Cousin was in her seat. She cleared her throat hoping he would move. Cousin picked up his glass of champagne and pretended he didn’t understand what  “clearing of the throat” really meant. She cleared her throat a couple of more times. “Need a cough drop?” he asked. Knowing it was going to be a losing battle he went back to where he was sitting. As she sat down Valentina handed me my drink and seconds before my lips made contact with the rim I stopped and took a whiff, you know in case she told the barkeep to add a little something-something, like a little drop of Captain Morgan. “You don’t trust me?” she questioned. “I’m only checking.” It looked like a Coke. It smelled like a Coke but did it taste like a Coke? ......I was shocked to find the drink was not spiked. Now came my turn to ask some questions. “Valentina, why did you want to celebrate Christmas here?” “I felt like staying close to home this year,” she answered taking out her compact from her purse. She was checking her makeup. “Why?” “Just asking,” I replied shrugging my shoulders. “Although don’t you think we would have had more fun being someplace else tonight? Like, oh I don’t know.... say on the island of St. Croix?” She snapped the compact shut. “How do you know about St.Croix?” “Ah-ha so it’s true!” “Who told you?” “A little birdie did,” I replied. She looked over at cousin and gave him a real mean look. “You mean a rat. If I were you, I would sleep with one eye open tonight.” “I’m shaking,” cousin said back sarcastically. “You should be,” she warned him. “What are you going to do? Sic the marine on me?” he questioned while laughing. I demanded she tell me why we were really on Sandbox Island while most everyone else was elsewhere living it up. “And no fudging it. I want the truth,” I added. “Daddy said we had to show up to at least one of her parties before the year is up. Her last dinner party was during Easter weekend and since we were someplace else daddy made me promise him we be spend Christmas here.” “So what you’re telling me is, if we had come here for Easter we would have been with the others right now.” I stated. She nodded yes. “Why didn’t you tell me we had a choice?” “Because then you would have wanted to come here for Easter and I didn’t want to.” “If it meant we would be spending Christmas in St. Croix, YES, I would have come here for Easter.” I explained. “I’ve never been there yet.” “That’s not true Princesa. In a way you have been there before.” “Are you serious? That time doesn’t count and you know it,” I said. “What time?” Gilligan questioned. “The time my mom was 3 months pregnant with me. She visited the island during then,” I answered. “So just because you don’t have any recollection of the trip doesn’t mean you’ve never been there. Technically in a way you have, sort of,” she commented.“The most holiest night of the year and we’re stuck on Sandbox Island,” I stated. Valentina gave me a kiss on the forehead. “I’m sorry.” “You’re sorry?” I repeated. “What you should be saying is: I’m sneaky,” I stated. “Here’s my question: why does she {the host} keep throwing her parties on this island. What’s wrong with the family’s compound in Puerto Rico?” “I don’t know but you can ask her. Here she comes,” V responded back. Oh boy it was the ‘Meet and Greet’ portion of the party. Had I been paying better attention to the time I would have ducked out. She was coming straight towards me, staring at me with her arms wide open. Gulp. Cue Jaws theme music. Valentina very quietly whispered: “Too bad you didn’t bring a bigger purse. You could have packed a gas mask.” I had no where to turn......Crap......It was too late. I was in her stinky grip. She had me in such a tight grip I think I heard a couple of my bones crack. I held my breath for as long as I could but managed to get out from under her and just in the nick of time. Believe me I was about to pass out. Valentina has always been cheeky and mischievous but on Christmas Eve ‘09 it was off the charts: Purposely she pushed me into her arms again. “Go on and give her another hug Princess. Remember you were telling us moments ago how much you missed her.” This time the Host cradled my head in her bosom while patting my back. Sheesh! I had seen enough bosoms for one day. “Go ahead Princess, ask her the question,” she said and while looking at the host added, “there’s something she’s been dying to ask you about the party.” “What is the question dear?” asked the host. “I....I...um....um.......” I started to stammer. 

Tsk, tsk tsk. My mischievous best friend had turned into a little devil that night.

To Be Continued...

Something totally unrelated to this post:

Do any of my lovelies watch the MTV reality show “Jersey Shore?” I had been hearing a lot of hype surrounding this show mainly because the show has been offending Italian-Americans. Domino's, Dell, UNICO have all pulled their ads stating the show promotes negative stereotypes of Italians. The show features 20-something roommates, all Italian descent, living in a house on the Jersey Shore who all proudly proclaim themselves as “Guidos and Guidettes.” The room-mates, hook-up, fight, dance, scream, pass out, tan and party at their summer home in New Jersey. I saw 2 episodes last week and last night was the season finale. Last weekend they had a Jersey Shore marathon where I was able to catch up on the missing episodes. I can’t get enough of this show! I love it but I can’t see myself living with them. Has anyone else seen it and if so what’s your opinion?

****

My loyal and dear readers it’s finally Friday. I made it through another week, well sort of.

Whatever your plans are have a glorious weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Winter Vaycay: "Well, Well, Well"

Cocaine Princess here.

.....As I continued reading Valentina elbowed me and said for me to look up. I lifted my eyes up from the program...Oh my God.

Oh my God it was Barbie {and no she wasn’t topless} glued onto the arm of the Panamanian. I actually never noticed until that night, she’s almost a foot taller than he is. So why the ‘oh my God’ reaction? Two reasons. ONE: Remember earlier in the day she was covered in bronzing oil? It must have been extra deep bronzing oil because her skin had turned into the color of driveway sealant. TWO: I was dreading their arrival. In fact I was dreading it so much I said a little prayer to the Big Guy upstairs. As luck would have it my prayer went unanswered. My bf didn’t get struck down with a sudden case of laryngitis. She looked at Gilligan.“We saw your step-mother this afternoon on the beach.”Please don't say it, please don't say it, please don't say it, is what I kept repeating over and over again in my head.“AND she was topless.” YEP SHE SAID IT!!  “AND she gave the Princess a big hug.” Cousin leaned forward. Suddenly he became very interested and asked, “She did?” “She did,” V answered back. “AND then she kissed her. The Princess said she was cute.” “Man, I would have killed to see that,” Cousin stated with a big smile. “Get your mind out of the gutter. It was completely innocent,” I explained. “Not the version that’s playing in my mind,” cousin responded back and this time with a wicked grin. Valentina continued her teasing. “The Princess noticed she was very “perky” and I don’t think she was talking about her personality. Right Princess?” I didn’t bother to answer her. I let out a sigh and turned my head and looked the other way. Wonderful! One of my least most favorite person was standing there. When I looked in the opposite direction 2 more people I wasn’t too fond of were right in my direct view. This was not only turning out to be the most boring and most longest nights on record but possibly one of my most crappiest nights too. Hmm, maybe I should have pretended to be sick. Valentina must have read my mind because she said the exact same thing to me. “This is why I told you to play ill. I had your best interest when I said it.” “It’s fine,” I said. “No it isn’t,” she snapped back. “You wanna leave?” “Why because they’re here? I knew they would be. I saw the guest list and I could care less,” I said firmly. Cousin and Gilligan picked up on what we were talking about. “One day karma will do its job baby,” Cousin assured me. “Daddy still talks to them and him. Can you believe that?” “It’s only business Valentina,” Gilligan replied back. Even though I didn’t want the conversation to go any further I was kind of glad it shifted to another topic because it meant Valentina would no longer be talking about Barbie but she picked up right where she left off and this time it was a round of Q&A. {I know it’s wrong of me to refer to her as Barbie. Whenever I speak to her I always call her by her lovely name but here I’ll refer to her as P.W.-Panamanian’s wife} “What do you call her? Mom, mommy, step-mommy?” “I call her by her name.” “Do you like her?” “I don’t know her very well Valentina. I don’t reside with them,” Gilligan answered. “Doesn’t it bug you she’s nearly 22 years younger than you?” “Not really. She keeps my old man happy.” “I bet she does. She’s probably like the Energizer Bunny and keeps going and going.” I buried my head into the couch’s arm rest to hide my laughter.  Come on you have to admit what she said was funny. “She’s step-mother #4. You’ll think there will be a 5th one?” Gilligan made it clear to her that whatever went on in his father’s love life was not his business and he wasn’t too interested in knowing anything about it either. Then something interesting took place. He turned the tables on her by asking how she would react if her father ever remarried? Valentina was very confident in her reply: “That’s never gonna happen.”“Never is a long time,” he stated. “He won’t.” “How can you be so sure?” he questioned. “Read my lips: it’ll NEVER happen.” “It might.” I decided to give my input. “She’s right. It’ll never happen. For starters he still wears his wedding band and second, this person right here {referring to Valentina} would do everything she could in her power to sabotage the relationship if he ever did start dating.” Both cousin and Gilligan looked at Valentina. She smiled and proud fully nodded in agreement to what I had said. As far as she’s concerned there’s only room for one Princess in her daddy’s life: herself.... and me. Okay two.

It seemed like 3 hours but only 30minutes had passed, my drink finished and I wanted another one. Valentina flagged down one of the waiters. He looked right at her and continued walking. “Did you see that?” she asked. “The damn nerve of him.” “Maybe he’s busy with something,” I said. “Busy with what? There was nothing in his hands.” “It’s not a big deal. I’ll go up to the bar myself and get it.” As I got up from the love seat Valentina tugged on the back of my dress so hard it pulled me back down. “Why should you have to? These waiters are being paid to serve and not ignore us. I’m gonna handle this.” And in a huff and a puff she got up and left. “God help that waiter,” mumbled Gilligan and then he chuckled to himself. I asked what was so funny. “You know how they say everyone has a twin somewhere in the world? Just the thought that somewhere in the world there is another one of her {Valentina} running around,” he responded.“That isn’t funny as it is scary,” cousin commented. Pouring himself another glass of champagne he moved from where he was sitting and sat down beside me giving me a hug: “I forgot to give you one earlier.” As we chatted I informed him how I was looking forward in seeing him in action on New Years’ Eve. Valentina’s cousin is a DJ yet he holds a degree in business but simply refuses to put it to use. “I keep telling him he needs to get a “real” job,” Gilligan commented. “Wear a suit a tie and sit behind a desk 5 days a week? No thanks,” cousin responded. “Spinning tunes makes me happy.” I let him know how surprised I was to see him at the dinner party. “I was roped into coming here tonight. I wasn’t expecting to see you either,” he said, “I thought for sure you would have been in St. Croix?” “St. Croix? Why would I be there?” I questioned. “That’s where the rest of the gang is.” I had an extremely puzzled look on my face and cousin could tell so he explained. “Everyone decided to spend Christmas there and then fly down here to the mainland to party on New Year’s Eve. Didn’t Valentina tell you?” “Ah, no.” I answered. “This is the first time I’m hearing of it.”

Well, well well, so the rest of the gang is in St. Croix so why am I'm at Bug's Lady house? Hmm, as soon as Valentina would return I would find out why..........Things were finally starting to get interesting.

To Be Continued...

My vaycay has come to an end. I returned home on Sunday. It was a little hard to get back into the regular routine of things but I made it through this first week. Ahhh, 18 days of sunning and funning and partying, eating pizza and nachos on the beach almost everyday for lunch, feasting on rich foods for dinner and yeah, I drank. Boy did I ever. No more drinkies for me. I have decided my next drinkie will be in {insert drum roll}........110  days.

My loyal and dear readers it’s finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a magnificent weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Winter Vaycay: “What Kind Of Christmas Eve Party Is This?"

Cocaine Princess here.


Christmas Eve 2009 was spent at a dinner party on island held by “The Host.” 

What can I say about it my lovelies other than it was the most BORING and the most LONGEST dinner party I have ever attended.

To review:

I did one last mirror check, strapped on silver colored stilettos and was ready. Valentina took my hand.

VALENTINA: Before we go let us bow our heads and pray. Holy Mother Mary of God, bless and protect our sinuses from Bug Lady.

ME: Amen.

Winter Vaycay continues.......

We were almost out of the bedroom when Valentina stopped dead in her tracks. “Tell daddy you’re feeling sick and you don’t feel like going to the party tonight.” “I’m in the same boat as you are,” I explained. “I’m not exactly jumping up and down for joy. We’re here, we have to at least make an appearance so let’s just make the best of it....and God willing time will go quickly.” “Fine but I warn you, I can’t be responsible for my actions tonight,” she said back.

I didn’t blame her asking me to fake an illness. Did I want to go to the party? Truthfully?.....No. The Host was a friend of my mom’s so I guess you can say I really go in her place but if memory serves me correct I do recall her skipping out on one or two parties herself. Before the 3 of us left Valentina’s daddy gave her “the look.” A “look” that meant “behave yourself.” Valentina batted her pretty lashes and smiled. Believe me that’s never a good thing.

{Me in my Christmas Eve dinner dress}

We were greeted by “The Host” and her husband. What I would have given to have a cold at that moment - a stuffed nose would have been perfect - anything to avoid inhaling her perfume but thankfully the greet was very quick-quick. It was hug-hug, kiss-kiss and that was that. I knew I wouldn’t be getting off that easy. Later on “The Host” would be making her rounds by visiting each guest one by one and chit chatting with them as she always did at these soirees of hers. I hadn’t seen her since April 2008 and couldn’t believe how much she had changed, her face in particular. I barely recognized her. What did she do? Stick her finger into an electrical socket? I’ll explain what I mean by that shortly. We made our way into the main room where the other guests who had arrived before us were. An 8 foot high artificial Christmas tree decorated with nothing but gold ribbons and gold ornaments stood in the center of the room and underneath a nativity scene, complete with the 3 Wise Men, the stable boy and the donkey. I saw several familiar faces and out of them all were two I was very pleased to see: Valentina’s cousin and good friend “Gilligan.” The four of us found a cozy place to sit, on two love seats facing each other. I sat beside Valentina and cousin sat beside Gilligan. A glass table with wrought iron legs separated us. On top, an arrangement of poinsettias and long swirly green candles that had not been lighted.  Immediately after sitting down a uniformed waiter swung by with a tray of hors-d’oeuvres while another waiter set 4 champagne flutes down along with a bucket of champagne on ice. He popped the cork and began pouring. {It was very sparkly and I assume it was delicious} I put my hand over mine to indicate I wouldn’t be drinking. “She can’t drink,” stated Valentina. “She just got out of the Betty Ford clinic.” The waiter asked if he could bring me anything non-alcoholic from the bar. “A Coca-Cola will be fine, thank you,” I replied. Over there you must say “Coca-Cola” and not Coke. For some reason they don’t understand what you mean when you say “Coke.” He picked up my glass and left. In regards to the Betty Ford joke I gave Valentina “the look” after all I have it pretty much down pack since I receive “the look” myself at least once a week from my sister.  She just shrugged her shoulders and repeated to me what she said earlier, “I warned you, I can’t be responsible for my actions tonight.” Oh boy this was going to be one hell of a long night, I thought to myself. When the waiter returned with my drink, the 4 of us cheerfully clinked our glasses.“SALUD!!” After, I asked Valentina what happened to the host’s face. “She had a face lift.” “By whom? Dr. Frankenstein?” I said back. It was awful. Her facial expression was as if she was in a permanent state of shock. Her face was so pulled far back that when she spoke her lips barely moved. If it wasn’t for the dreadful stench of her perfume I would have never known it was her.

Upon arrival each guest was given a program highlighting the events of the night. On black stiff stationary and written in gold embossed calligraphy at the top: “Welcome To A Night In Italy.” Hmm, I was confused. We were at a Christmas Eve dinner party in the Caribbean with an Italian theme?  I continued reading..... Cocktails and Hors-d’oeuvres ....which is around the time we showed up. Hey, the party even came with several forms of entertainment which was something “The Host” had never done before. Usually a classical musician is in one corner quietly playing. I began to read the entertainment section of the program out loud: “A 35 minute sitar solo performance followed by a -  ” “Back up a second. Say that again?” requested cousin. “A 35 minute sitar solo performance,” I said. Valentina released a painful sounding moan. Cousin set down his drink on the table. “How does a sitar performance fit in with a Night In Italy?” he asked. “I suppose the same way having an Italian feast in the Caribbean does,” I answered back. {I honestly didn't know but he raised a good a question. A sitar player? Seriously?} I continued. “After the sitar performance we have the pleasure of listening to someone sing an opera solo. Wow what a fun night this is going to be,” I commented. “You’re joking about the opera solo?” “I wish I was,” I replied to Valentina. “Look, it’s written right here in black and gold. See?” Looking at it she remarked she was going to need something a lot stronger than champagne to get through the night. Following the opera solo, a live re-enactment from William Shakespeare’s A Merchant In Venice. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “What kind of Christmas Eve Party is this?” I questioned. “A defective one,” cousin responded.  I don’t know why I keep calling it a “party.” It was anything but that. As I continued reading Valentina elbowed me and said to look up. I lifted my eyes up from the program and oh my God.......

To Be Continued....


XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess 

Winter Vaycay: Topless Barbie & The 3 Kings

Cocaine Princess here.

I do hope my lovelies had a joyous Christmas/Holiday season and an incredible time rocking in 2010.

A day before I left for my holidays, my sister gave my Christmas gifts to me since I wasn't going to be here to celebrate Christmas with her. One of the gifts she bought me:

Suede leopard printed stiletto boots. Pretty cute, huh?


“ONE CRAZY COLOMBIAN”
My winter vaycay began on December 23rd 2009 around 11:30ish am in the Caribbean.  An hour before arrival I changed my clothes. I left wearing winter wardrobe and changed into a white mini skirt, a black and white bustier and my heels. Coming off the plane I saw Valentina and Semper-Fi waiting to one side. I tried running as fast as I could but the skirt I was wearing didn’t have any type of elasticity in it so I was taking little baby steps while rolling my carry on. Valentina met me halfway nearly knocking me down and gave me an enormous hug. To be accurate we did the whole hugging while jumping in a circle thing for several minutes and squealed like two teenage girls at a Jonas Bros. concert. We hadn’t seen each other since Easter ‘09.

In the car ride I asked Valentina who else was at the villa.

Valentina: Besides fabulous me? The household staff, the guards, the hounds and good ole Semper-Fi: the designated babysitter.

{purposely speaking loud and in a sarcastic tone}

Semper-Fi and I have been getting along really well Princess. He and I have been taking dance lessons. Wait until you see him bust out his moves on the dance floor on New Year’s Eve. That dancing with celebrities show has nothing on us. Ain’t that right Fred Astaire?

“Fred Astaire” was sitting in the backseat of the car with us. I leaned forward and looked at him. He sat there in silence with no emotion whatsoever on his face. I don’t think he even blinked. I on the other hand was giggling. I had missed my mischievous best friend and was more than thrilled to be spending my winter vaycay with her.

The first thing I saw pulling up into the driveway was almost every single palm tree on the property was covered in lights and couldn’t wait until sunset to see them all lighted. I would take lighted palm trees over lighted pine trees covered in snow dust any day.

While the staff tended to my luggage I already had kicked off my shoes and bolted out of the car barefoot. Holding Valentina’s hand we ran to the back, down the lanai steps where finally I was able to exhale. Ahhh.....Yes my tootsies had found bliss as they successfully made contact with the sand. I stood there for a lengthy amount of time welcoming the sun’s rays as Valentina embraced me from behind.

VALENTINA: Daddy really wanted to be here. He really wanted to see you. Are you upset he’s not going to be spending Christmas with us?

ME: I’m not upset.

VALENTINA: Yeah you are. I can always tell.

ME: It’s been so long, almost a full year since I’ve actually seen him in person. We talk on the phone but....

VALENTINA: If there was someway for him to be here he would but you know how it is. Work, work, work, work. Money never sleeps. But cheer up, come New Year’s Eve you’ll see everyone else.

ME: I can’t wait. This is going to be one of the best New Year’s ever.

VALENTINA: The whole gang at one place at the same time.... just don’t go ignoring or neglecting me.

ME: Never.

VALENTINA: To be on the safe side I’m going to be by your side at all times.

We chatted some more and  took a stroll down memory lane. When we were little, whenever we would go to the beach we would do the twist in the sand while singing “The Bedrock Twitch,” a parody of the song “The Twist.”

VALENTINA: Let’s do it again for old time sakes.

I don’t know what came over me but without any hesitation I said, “okay.”
There we were, two adults singing while doing the twist. I couldn’t believe I still knew the lyrics:      

“There's a town I know where the hipsters go they call it Bedrock
Twitch! Twitch!
And when you get an itch to do the Twitch in Bedrock
it's a twitchin' town so I'll see you down in Bedrock
Twitch! Twitch!”

I stopped when I noticed a 3rd shadow. It was Semper-Fi. Oh boy. I was embarrassed at what he was probably thinking: “I’ve gone from babysitting one crazy Colombian to now two.” But you know what? I didn’t care one bit. I went back to twisting and singing. I wasn’t even an hour into my vaycay and already I was having the time of my life!

“HITTING THE SAUCE”
By the time we returned back the staff had unpacked all my suitcases including one that was filled with just my shoes. Hey I can’t exactly be seen wearing the same pair of heels everyday now can I? My bedroom was directly across from Valentina and waiting on my bed was my traditional welcome gift from her daddy: a bouquet of orchids and a shiny trinket. I had changed into my bikini and when I came out of the bathroom Valentina was sitting on my bed.

ME: Here’s my answer: A big fat NO.

I guess I should explain. When I had come out of the bathroom Valentina was sitting on my bed with a tray of 12 shot glasses arranged in a circle and in the middle stood a bottle.

VALENTINA: No? You didn’t have a problem hitting the sauce with that person who lives with you. You had 12 drinks for 12 straight nights. You owe me.

ME: That was different. I was under dr’s orders to have a nightly drink.

VALENTINA: Pretend you’re still under your dr’s orders.

I went over to the bed and sat down next to her. I picked up the bottle and read the label.

ME: Casa Dragones.

VALENTINA: I guarantee you this stuff is 10x better than Sammy’s. It’s known as the sipping tequila.

I noticed the bottle wasn’t exactly full.

ME: I see someone already has been taking a sip and seeing how the bottle is half full I would say several sippies.

VALENTINA: It’s Semper-Fi. I told daddy he’s been sneaking into the liquor cabinet but daddy refused to believe me......Look at the bottom of the bottle.

I turned the bottle over and smiled.

VALENTINA: That is a direct sign from the cosmos telling you, you must do these shots.

ME: If it’s a sipping tequila why the shot glasses?

{By the way on each of the shot glasses was a picture of Santa Claus with a large red nose}

VALENTINA: Because doing tequila shots is a hell of a lot more fun than sipping it - but if you prefer to sip it I’ll be more than happy to get you a goblet.

ME: Valentina I’m not doing neither. You know very well I made a rule: no drinkie-

VALENTINA: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Aren’t you the one who always says it’s more fun breaking rules than making them?

It was true. I had said that. Taking the bottle from my hand she filled one of the glasses and waved it slowly under my nose..... Mmm. It was very fragrant. I do admit it is a lot more fun breaking rules but this was one rule I intended not to break. My lips had not gone near anything related to alcohol since August and with only 8 days remaining I wasn’t about to blow it.

VALENTINA: Promise me you’ll do all 12 shots on New Year’s Eve.

ME: I promise.
          
I said “I promise” with one hand behind my back while crossing my fingers. My lovelies if I had really done all 12 shots that day I would have been passed out until next Christmas. So what happened to the one shot glass that was filled? What do you think? Valentina flung her head back and down it went. Sheesh and it was still the afternoon. She slammed the glass back down hard on the tray.

VALENTINA: Smooth!......Vamos a la playa!

CHRISTMAS EVE MORNING  

“THE SURPRISE”
It had been almost 2 years since I had returned back to “Sandbox Island.” No that’s not the real name of the island, only a nickname on account of how small it is. The island is filled with nothing but snow white colored sand and the most beautiful shades of blue for its sea water. There are no big shopping malls, only little shops geared for tourists and low rise hotels. There really isn’t much to do except for going to the beach and that suited me just fine. Christmas Eve morning I was up early and was dying to get into the water. I was wearing a red and white striped two-piece with a sheer white tunic on top. I was trembling cold. The inside of the villa was literally like walking into the inside of a freezer. Unfortunately there was nothing that could be done. If the A/C was turned down by even one measly degree the walls and floor would sweat. There was one other option: to wear the big, white fluffy robe that was hanging in the closet.....Nah! 
                     
In the kitchen Valentina was informing, correction, she was “telling” the chef exactly what she wanted to eat and then asked what I wanted. When I couldn’t make up my mind Valentina decided for me. I would be having what she was having. One thing I knew for sure was what I would be washing breakie down with: I opened the fridge and grabbed a nice, cold one. No not a beer. A nice, cold one for me is a Diet Dr. Pepper. Several bottles were stocked in the fridge since it is my fave drink. After Princess V was finished giving specific orders on how she wanted her food prepared and arranged on the plate, she insisted we eat on the lanai instead of on the beach. In fact she wouldn’t take no for an answer. As long as I was surrounded by palm trees and humidity, beach or lanai it didn’t really make any difference to me.  And then I understood why. There was a wonderful surprise waiting for me. Valentina’s daddy. I looked at Valentina.

VALENTINA: So I told a little fib.

I ran into his arms like how I always use to when I was a little girl. It’s funny because that’s exactly how I felt. I remember as if it was just yesterday,  after I would run into his arms he would pick me up and twirl me in the air, and of course little Valentina was always nearby repeating over and over: “My turn daddy! My turn! Me! Me!” I was a little too old now to be picked up and twirled around however Valentina did say: “I want my hug too daddy.” Hmm, I guess some things never change. She managed to squeeze herself in and joined in on the hugging.

VALENTINA: You’re so gullible Princess. Did you really believe daddy would miss spending Christmas with his 2 favorite girls?

Valentina’s daddy whispered in my ears, “Not even for the world.”

CHRISTMAS EVE AFTERNOON: 

“THE SINGING CHEF”
A Sahara style tent had been set up on the beach just for the 2 of us with an entourage standing nearby. Everyone else was either under a beach umbrella or sitting on their beach towels.

ME: I’m sure this isn’t going to draw any attention to us.

VALENTINA: Daddy’s rules.

A few beach go-ers were staring at us. As I removed my cover up Valentina being the cheeky person she is gave them all a Queen Elizabeth style wave. We kept the tent flaps open so we could feel the sea breeze, not that there was much of a breeze going on that day.

Lunch was brought out to us courtesy of the villa’s kitchen since there was no way my best friend was going to buy and eat a hot dog from a young boy who was grilling and selling them on his portable BBQ despite how heavenly the aroma was. We were sharing a pizza and my half was loaded with pineapples. I finished 1 slice and couldn’t decide whether or not to have a 2nd. Believe me I wanted to eat the whole frigging pie but Valerie Bertenelli kept flashing in my head and the words Jenny Craig. I picked up the slice and put it down. Valentina picked up my slice and put it back on my plate.

VALENTINA: If we don’t finish this pizza the new Chef might start crying.

ME: What happened to the old one?

VALENTINA: He’s on a leave of absence, family emergency. So daddy hired a temporary one. I don’t know where he found him but he’s quite a character. Total drama queen but cooks great. Didn’t you see him in the kitchen?

ME: I only saw the back of him. I assumed it was the regular guy. I think he was singing quietly to himself.

VALENTINA: He sings Cher songs all day long in the kitchen while he cooks.

I couldn’t stop laughing.

VALENTINA: It’s no joke. According to him he can’t cook unless he’s singing Cher songs. So eat because he’s gonna ask for your honest opinion.

ME: I’ll tell him the truth, it’s absolutely delish.

VALENTINA: A couple of weeks ago he made chicken in a mushroom sauce and asked if I liked it or not? I told him no. The chicken was drier than this heat and the sauce was bland. It wasn’t. It was perfect but I was interested to see what his reaction was going to be like. He made a frowny face, his eyes began to water and he almost started to cry. He went back into the kitchen, put on a Cher CD and remade the entire meal for me and did an even better job which I didn’t think was possible. Unfortunately I can’t look at a piece of chicken now without “Just Like Jesse James” going off in my head.

“THE WINKING KING”
3 men dressed as Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar, otherwise known as the 3 Kings appeared on the beach singing “Los Tres Reyes” {We 3 Kings} They were from the local church seeking donations. Melchior {at least I think it was him} was carrying a decorative jeweled box. Many sunbathers dropped whatever spare change they had into the box and in return one of the other 2 Kings reached into the velvety pouch he was carrying and placed chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil into their hands, and those who didn’t contribute were still given coins. I told Valentina I didn’t have my purse with me.

VALENTINA: Don’t worry about it. The guards have it covered.

When the 3 Kings made their way over to us they knew not to get too close and from what I could tell one of the guards stuffed a hefty amount of bills into the box. They left but not before trying to take a quick peak inside the tent.

VALENTINA: Cara mia, I think one of the Kings winked at you.

ME: Nah, he probably just had something in his eye.

“THE OILY HUG”
Valentina may have been unsuccessful in tempting me to have a drink but she was  persuasive in helping her finish lunch. {Although I was kind of curious to see if the Cher obsessed chef would cry if the plate was returned to him with food still on it} I felt like taking a dip in the sea but because I had just finished eating the 1 hour waiting rule applied, instead I decided to move my chair out of the tent to catch some rays and that’s when I saw another tent similar to us a little further down, equipped with an entourage too. Hmm? Who was in there? I went back inside and asked Valentina. She took a look.

VALENTINA: Here’s a hint: He’s fat and bald.

I knew right away who she was referring to.


ME: The Panamanian? He’s here?

VALENTINA: Sadly yes.

ME: How can you be so sure?

VALENTINA: Did you not see his wife “Topless Barbie” bossing the guards around?

ME: Huh?

VALENTINA: Go look.
 
I went back out and there she was: The Panamanian’s wife wearing bright yellow bikini bottoms and not much else.

ME: She wasn’t there a second ago.

By the looks of it she was trying to decide where she wanted her chair positioned. She would point where she wanted the chair to be placed, sit down and after about 3 seconds get up and point to another spot. The girl could not make up her mind. Ultimately she decided: facing the water. Good choice! As she went to sit down she looked over our way, saw me and waved. I waved back.

VALENTINA: Who are you waving too? Is it the King with “something in his eye?”

ME: No. Topless Barbie.

VALENTINA: What the hell are you waving at her for?

ME: Because she waved at me first.

VALENTINA: Way to go!

ME: What was I suppose to do? Snub her? Pretend I didn’t see her?

VALENTINA: Yes and yes! Christ, she’s not walking on over here is she?

ME: Well.....she isn’t so much walking on over here as she is jiggling on over here.

VALENTINA: Is there a bald man drooling behind her?

ME: No.

VALENTINA: Good. I can’t stand him......or her.

ME: Oh Lord here she comes.

She greeted me with a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.

TOPLESS BARBIE: Hola, que tal chica?

Her entire body was covered in several layers of suntan oil. Seriously it looked as if the chick took a dip into a pool of oil. She was dripping in the stuff so when she hugged me a lot of the oil transferred onto me. She continued.

Nice to see you again. Are you here for the party?

ME: Yeah I am.

TOPLESS BARBIE: How long are you staying?

ME: A few more days and then we’re flying to the mainland for New Years.

She bent down and waved at Valentina.

TOPLESS BARBIE: Hola amiga.

Valentina flashed her pearly whites.

TOPLESS BARBIE: See you tonight. Adios.

And with her saying that came another very oily hug. Ugh.

VALENTINA: Adios sunshine!

I returned back inside the tent and grabbed a towel to wipe off the residue.

ME: My goodness she’s so cute and friendly. Why don’t you like her?

VALENTINA: Have you ever actually sat down and had a full conversation with her aside from Hello, how are you?

ME: No, I can’t say I have.

VALENTINA: Take my advice: don’t. She’s not all there. A few more minutes of talking to her and she would have that deer caught in the headlights look. Barbie can’t carry a conversation for very long and she’s bit incoherent.

Giggling I said:

ME: She’s very “perky.”

VALENTINA: Hubby took her to the best plastic surgeon and bought Barbie the best set of “perkiness” money can buy, Princesa.

I can honestly say that was the first time I was ever hugged by a topless woman. And thanks to her suntan oil which I later learned was bronzing oil, it left stain marks on my candy cane bikini. It took the dry cleaner 3x to remove the brown blotches and streaks. Valentina suggested I send the dry cleaning bill to the Panamanian.

CHRISTMAS EVE: 

“BLESS OUR SINUSES”
The sun had set. It was Christmas Eve and the 3 of us would be spending it a dinner party held by “The Host.”  For those of you who have followed my blog from the beginning, you remember “The Host.” She's always throwing dinner parties and “hosting” and organizing fundraisers all year round. Valentina has another name for her: “Bug Lady” because the perfume she wears smells like a can of RAID. It’s a nasty smelling perfume that really does a dance number on your sinuses. I wasn’t too excited about going. It’s not that I don’t like “The Host” because I do. She’s a very gracious and kind person, it’s her parties I don’t like. How can I best describe them? hmmm..... Quiet. Oh what the heck I’m going come out and just say it: her parties are a bore. A total snooze-fest. Valentina says it best: they can put you into a coma. During the past year I had skipped out on several invitations from her and if I had missed her Christmas Eve dinner party the tally would be at 5 and Valentina and I were running out of legitimate excuses of why we couldn’t attend.

I love getting dolled up for parties. I love the feminine aspect of it: getting my hair and makeup done, mani/pedis, agonizing which outfit to wear and then choosing accessories. Yes I am a girly-girl to the core. The first thing I do after my hair and makeup is spray perfume all over me and the last thing I do is put on my shoes. I was standing in front of the full length mirror barefoot checking to see how I looked when Valentina entered holding 2 different style necklaces. She asked which one I thought went best with her outfit. She had a silk Marilyn Style halter dress so I suggested the tear drop pendant. After fastening it for her she turned around.

VALENTINA: You alright?

I nodded yes.

VALENTINA: No, I mean are you okay about going to the coma party? We don’t have to go.

ME: I gave her my word I would be there.

VALENTINA: So? It’s not as if you signed a contract.

ME: Who knows we might have fun.

VALENTINA: If you like watching paint dry, yes.

I did one last mirror check, strapped on silver colored stilettos and was ready. Valentina took my hand.

VALENTINA: Before we go let us bow our heads and pray. Holy Mother Mary of God, bless and protect our sinuses from Bug Lady.

ME: Amen.

.......To Be Continued.

*********

My loyal and dear readers it’s finally Friday then again when you’re on vaycay everyday feels like Friday!!

Whatever your plans are have a splendid weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess