Winter Vaycay III: G-Word vs. F-Word

Cocaine Princess here.

From Part II:

To prove a point she conducted a little experiment. Valentina requested I remove my robe and hand it to her and when I did she put it over her face. With her face covered she waved her arms in the air pretending to be some type of ghost while making loud, eerie sounds.

I could not believe the reaction from the dog.

I was stunned. I was shocked. I was in disbelief. I was blown out of the water. So, what did Gucci the {ahem} “Guard Dog” do? Like a cannon he shot out of the suitcase and landed on the floor where he ran and hid under the stationary desk and began whimpering loudly. Valentina removed the robe.

VALENTINA: Talk about a real bad ass.

Good grief! I think a Chihuahua would have made a better guard dog.


To Be Continued....

PART III

To anyone who thinks Dobermans have the reputation of being fierce, vicious and aggressive should meet Gucci. He definitely puts that stereotype to rest. Perhaps Valentina summed it up best.

VALENTINA: This dog is an embarrassment to his breed.

I felt sorry for the pooch as his whimpering got louder by the second. I knew kind words or any words for that matter would not calm him down or get him out from under the desk, however Valentina had her own brilliant idea.

VALENTINA: If I call housekeeping maybe they can poke him out with a broom.

And if that suggestion wasn’t bad enough she continued frightening Gucci so much.......he left a puddle. I’ve had the fortunate opportunity to travel  around the world but this was the first time a dog had ever peed in my hotel suite. NOW THERE’S A SENTENCE I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WRITE. I literally had to tackle my best friend to the bed to make her stop with the scary noises and gestures and more importantly to prevent the big, bad, doggie from leaving something other than a puddle! It was time to call in the Big Guns aka Semper~Fi or as Valentina prefers calling him The Gringo, a term I definitely dislike. She called out for him by using the G-word. I groaned.

VALENTINA: A thousand pardons Princesa. I keep forgetting how much you disapprove of me using the “G~word.” From now on but only in your presence I'll call him “The Foreigner.” Is the “F~Word” better?

Actually it wasn’t and I told her but I don't think she heard me. When Semper~Fi entered in my suite I explained what happened. He looked at Valentina.

SF: I thought I told you to stop scaring him. It’s highly disruptive to his training.

It was then MY TURN to look at Valentina. Although I knew from SF’s statement I just had to ask whether she had taken on the role of playing ghost before?

SF: Numerous times and she’s been instructed not too.

Hmm, let’s examine the following 3 words: "SHE’S BEEN INSTRUCTED." Good grief! Like me, taking instructions and following orders is not something she likes or does. Valentina wasn’t happy having SF answering on her behalf and let him know. Folding her arms and walking right up to him and speaking in a very confident tone:

VALENTINA: Was her question directed at you?

She paused and unless it was for dramatic effect I’m not sure why she did because it wasn’t as if she was waiting on an answer, there was no way he was going to reply back.

VALENTINA: No, she asked me. 

Her tone went from confident to authoritative:

VALENTINA: So do yourself a big favor and zip it. Got it?

For even more dramatic effect she did the whole “Zip Your Lip” gesture. Wow. Long time readers of my blog are aware there’s no love lost between those two. Valentina has never fully explained the reason behind the tremendous amount of hostility towards him and I wasn’t about to ask at that moment but made a mental note to inquire about it later. The good ole hunky looking marine was able to lure Gucci out by using one of his commands.

He first made a clicking~type sound with his tongue and second, he said a number. Did I mention he had to repeat the command 5x!! Upon hearing it the 5th time Gucci slowly and carefully left his hiding spot. My only guess was the cautious pooch was afraid of the “ghost” making another appearance and it’s not like Valentina didn’t try. When I caught her eyeballing my bathrobe I made a quick grab for it and put it on. With Gucci out of hiding SF ordered him to stand at attention. Valentina whispered to me:

VALENTINA: You gotta see this.

In Gucci’s weird, little mind "standing at attention" translated into: rolling over on his back and then standing on his hind legs and dancing in a circle. {All that was missing was a pink tutu} Still on his hind legs he began howling and then decided to curl up in the fetal position. My God, what a strange dog I thought. Eventually he was able to get him to obey the command. A call was next made to housekeeping to clean up the “you know what.” SF left with Gucci and as they made their way out Valentina made the following remark:

VALENTINA: Well done, sir. I salute you. God Bless America.

After giving him another salute she began singing ♫ Oh Say Can You See......♫

Semper~Fi was not flattered or impressed. Me? What do you think?

I started giggling.

To Be Continued....

****

My loyal and dear readers it's finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have one heck of a weekend.~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Winter Vaycay Part II: The Dog Has A Mental Problem

Cocaine Princess here.

To review Part 1:

I thought about luring him out with food from the mini bar but figured Valentina would know what to do. When I hollered for her she came in wearing a bikini with a cover up, sunglasses and in her hands she was holding 2 cocktail glasses. Just as this Princess was ready to get her tan on the other Princess was ready to get her drinkie on. 

ME: Seriously, what is wrong with this dog?

VALENTINA: So I see you’ve met Gucci-- quite possibly the world’s dumbest guard dog.
 

PART II:

Before saying anything else I said:

ME: You named him Gucci?

Valentina nodded. Who else but a Princess would name a guard dog after a big time fashion house?  I asked one more time:

ME: What is wrong with him? I’ve done everything I can think of to get him out of my suitcase. He won’t budge.

VALENTINA: Because and to repeat: He’s...quite...possibly...the...world’s...dumbest... guard...dog.

She effectively enunciated each word s-l-o-w-l-y. Had there been a third person nearby they may have been under the impression I had trouble understanding the English language. My bf gave me 2 examples why Gucci was bestowed with such a posh title.

VALENTINA: If you tell him to “SIT” he’ll begin chasing his tail. You tell him to “STAND” he curls up in the fetal position.

Okay, so he doesn't have a hearing problem! He just has trouble obeying orders.

ME: Has he not been to doggie school?

VALENTINA: Yes and the instructor said Gucci was a lost cause. If you ask me I think the dog has a mental problem. He barks at the television like a maniac when it’s not even on, he’ll kick over his dog dish and stomp around in the food. Last week he got his head stuck in the empty treat jar but not before running into the glass sliding door twice and then barking because what he thought was another dog was in fact his reflection.

I’m not an expert in animals but is it possible for a dog to have a mental problem? Whether or not it is, it made me giggle. I questioned if Gucci was such a “lost cause” why was he still being referred to as a “guard dog” and an even better question why was he still around?

VALENTINA: Semper~Fi is convinced he isn’t a lost cause and sees potential in him. He’s been training him on his own by using various methods.

I looked at the un~announced visitor. Yep, he was still sitting in my suitcase. Valentina continued:

VALENTINA: I don’t know where he found him but S~F needs to return him for a full refund. What a waste of daddy’s money.

ME: If he’s willing to train him maybe Semper~Fi does see some kind of potential in Gucci that we don’t. Who knows, he may train him to be the best guard dog ever yet.

Valentina shook her head while rolling her eyes and snickered.

VALENTINA: Oh please, give me a break! This dog is afraid of his own damn shadow. Watch.

To prove a point she conducted a little experiment. Valentina requested I remove my robe and hand it to her and when I did she put it over her face. With her face covered she waved her arms in the air pretending to be some type of ghost while making loud, eerie sounds.

I could not believe the reaction from the dog.

I was stunned. I was shocked. I was in disbelief. I was blown out of the water. So, what did Gucci the {ahem} “Guard Dog” do? Like a cannon he shot out of the suitcase and landed on the floor where he ran and hid under the stationary desk and began whimpering loudly. Valentina removed the robe.

VALENTINA: Talk about a real bad ass.

Good grief! I think a Chihuahua would have made a better guard dog.

To Be Continued.

****

My loyal and dear readers, it's finally Friday at least according to the calendar. I say that because I haven't slept in days and have kind of lost track what day it is. Oh Mr. Sandman pal o'mine, where have you run off too?

Whatever your plans are have a bubbly weekend.~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Winter Vaycay: A Dog Named Gucci

Cocaine Princess here.

Every Christmas/winter holiday break I go on vaycay. Why? I prefer celebrating the most joyous of all holidays in the tropics rather than in the freezing cold temperatures that Mother Nature likes unleashing on us kind folks up here. The night before I departed I didn’t sleep a wink. I was so eager and excited to leave to the point I had butterflies in my stomach.  

Waiting for me at the airport with loving and open arms was who else? My best friend since childhood Valentina.  She was sporting a new haircut. So much for growing out her hair! She chopped it off and went for the pixie~style cut. It looked really adorable. Standing right behind her was good ole Semper~Fi. I wasn't too sure if he was happy to see me or not because of the emotionless look on his face. Come to think of it he always looks that way. At the same time Valentina had me in her anaconda-like cuddle she was giving me a rundown on what was in store for Winter Vaycay 2010~11. I can honestly say I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy with more important things like breathing in the hot air and feeling the sizzling sun's rays on my skin. Departing from a cold climate and arriving to a tropical climate is one heck of a fantastic thing!

A suite was booked for the both of us at a marvelous beach side resort.... an incredibly enormous suite because let's face it a standard room simply wasn't going to cut it for Valentina or for me either considering the number of pieces of luggage I brought along. The entire suite (like the resort itself) was filled with lavish Christmas decorations including a Christmas tree. My room was at the end of the hall and as I had requested– a balcony facing the beach. Down below were all the sun worshipers and not wanting to waste another minute I was ready to join them and get my tan on! Since I knew hitting the beach was the first thing on my list I made sure to pack my itty bitty bikini on top. I opened up my suitcase and went to go change. Hanging on the backside of the bathroom door was a big, fluffy, white bathrobe that every hotel has or as I like to call it The Polar Bear. I call it that because it’s how I feel when I wear it. After changing and applying sunblock I grabbed the polar bear {within 5 seconds of changing I was shivering on account of the a/c} and went back into my room where to my surprise was an unexpected visitor.

ME: Oh....hello there

The visitor failed to reply back. Allow me to describe the visitor: it had 4 legs and is commonly referred to as man’s best friend. If you guessed dog you are correct. If not, I’m speechless, truly I am. I figured he was one of the guard dogs {a Doberman} which I was perfectly fine with. Like I really had a choice on whether or not I wanted him, right? However, what I was not fine with was the four legged visitor was sitting inside my suitcase. When I say “inside”  I do mean inside {the cover of my suitcase was open} and I hadn't even unpacked yet. I ordered the dog to get out and off the bed. Instead of obeying he gave me a look that can best be described as “huh?” Hmm.....I thought perhaps maybe it only understood commands in English so I repeated what I had said in Spanish.

Once more I received the “huh?” look. My next thought-- could the dog be hard of hearing? To test whether or not he was I put my hands up to his ears and clapped not once, not twice but three times in a row. I’d be lying if I said the dog moved because he didn’t. So maybe the dog was deaf? I then snapped my fingers in front of his face hoping for some type of reaction. Nothing, not only did I not get the "huh" look but the thing didn't even flinch! Lastly, I poked it a couple of times hoping he would get the message I wanted him out.

He didn’t get the message. Oh boy, it was clear there was something definitely wrong with man’s best friend. I called Valentina for some help. My un-announced visitor was getting a little too comfortable as he began to nestle himself in my suitcase which in turn was making me feel extremely uncomfortable. The last thing I needed or wanted was doggie paws all over my precious clothes! I thought about luring him out with food from the mini bar but figured Valentina would know what to do. When I hollered for her she came in wearing a bikini with a cover up, sunglasses and in her hands she was holding 2 cocktail glasses. Just as this Princess was ready to get her tan on the other Princess was ready to get her drinkie on. 

I had one question:

ME: Seriously, what is wrong with this dog?

VALENTINA: So I see you’ve met Gucci-- quite possibly the world’s dumbest guard dog.

To Be Continued.

****

My loyal and dear readers it’s finally Friday. You know what that means, right? Time to do your happy dance. ¡Olé!

Whatever your plans are have a terrific weekend.~x.

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

First Entry Of 2011

Cocaine Princess here.

Just a quick note saying hello to all my loyal and dear readers. Welcome to a New Year!!

Can you believe it's 2011. It's going to take some getting use to not writing 2010.

I hope everyone had one awesome Christmas/Holiday and had a blast ringing in the New Year as I did. Are any of you still recovering from partying and dancing the night away?

In my previous post  I asked a question: "I wonder if the Holly~Jolly~Guy leaves presents for cheeky people on Christmas?" Considering the pretty baubles he left me under the tree and a few other sweet surprises the answer is YES!! Yes my lovelies the chubby guy in the red suit delivers to cheeky girls too. (Whew!)

With a new year comes resolutions. I myself never bother with them however this year I made a resolution to make one....... Ladies and Gentleman, I want to master the art of using chopsticks. Laugh if you must but out of all my friends I'm the only one who uses a fork when we dine on Chinese food. I've been told it's quite a simple task to accomplish. I checked on youtube.com and there are many tutorials on the subject so I'll keep you posted with updates on how I'm doing.

Did any of my lovelies makes any resolutions? If so, do you mind sharing? Today marks 5 days into the new year, those who did make a resolution have you broken it yet?

I'm still off schedule with many things but next week there will be a full entry detailing my wonderful winter vaycay and anonymous if you're reading this, it will not be written in Cliff Notes style.

Peace Out.
  
Have an amazing rest of the week and weekend.~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess