The Vow Renewal Ceremony Part 2: And Speak Of The Devil

Cocaine Princess here.

To review:

Figuring it was from sister I looked down on my lap where I had placed my phone. It wasn’t from sister. It was from Valentina who texted the following message to me:

“5 years–— WOW, I didn’t know Barbie could count that high.”


Part 2:

I turned my head and gestured as best I could with my eyes and face that she stop with the messages. I realize I had the option of turning my phone off but not wanting to miss another message from sister I kept it on and because I did the messages kept on coming.

TOPLESS BARBIE: Chica, who keeps sending you messages? 

ME: Someone managed to get a hold of my email and now they keep spamming me with their annoying messages.

VALENTINA: You may want to read some of them first, you never know-- it might be important.

TOPLESS BARBIE: She’s right. One time I was waiting for a very important message. I waited 2 days and all the time it was in my spam folder. It happens you know. I didn’t know emails had spam. I thought it was something you ate.

Okay, so she’s not exactly the brightest bulb in the box.

TOPLESS BARBIE: How do you like my new bracelet? Muy bonita, si?

And did I mention she can go from one topic to the next in under 5 seconds flat? Another text from Valentina arrived:

TEXT: “Big deal! I have a jewelery box full of bracelets!”

I looked at Valentina who rolled her eyes and then looked at Barbie. Her eyes had become completely transfixed on her new trinket.

TEXT: “She looks like a cat fascinated by a string of yarn.”

I turned to her and mouthed “STOP IT” and rather than oblige she meowed.

TOPLESS BARBIE: What was that? It sounded like a cat.

She looked to the left and then to her right. Out aestheticians who were in the process of trimming our toe nails looked at one another with one of those raised eyebrow looks. Barbie questioned whether or not they heard a “meow” and they said no.

TOPLESS BARBIE: Maybe it was my imagination?

VALENTINA: Yes, that’s what it was– your imagination.

TOPLESS BARBIE: That’s never happened before. I’ve never imagined hearing a cat but
I had a dream about birds once. Lots of pretty parrots.

TEXT: “I’m about to wet myself.”

As serious as that problem was I had a much bigger one. I was one giggle away from going into “G.O.M.”Giggle Overdrive Mode. The Panamanian's wife is a sweet girl but perhaps my best friend was right when she described her as being "not all there." In situations like this I find it’s best I focus my attention elsewhere but Barbie would not stop talking. I had no choice except to bite down on the corner of my lip to prevent any type of laughter from escaping.

As she continued talking {if that’s what you can call it} her phone rang again. God bless whoever was on the other end because my lip was in immense pain. Valentina leaned over and in a low quiet voice said:

VALENTINA: Do me a favor-- tap Barbie on the side of her head and ask: “Hello, is anyone in there?”

ME: Come on she’s not as bad as you’re making her out to be.

VALENTINA: Are you kidding me--- spam? Parrots? She’s like a hamster in one of those caged wheels. Her conversations keep spinning but they go nowhere.

ME: Why did you have to meow?

VALENTINA: I thought the conversation needed some livening up.

ME: Huh?

VALENTINA: Look, I need to tell you something and it’s about whose name shall not be mentioned.

ME: Absolutely not.

VALENTINA: Whether you like it or not I have to tell you.

I would have gotten up and left but after my toenails had been neatly trimmed, my aesthetician poured warm lotion all over my legs and feet and began an incredible massage. I questioned whether what she had to tell me was a matter of life and death and just as I suspected, it wasn’t. She kept on insisting she didn’t want me to get “blindsided.”

VALENTINA: Okay, fine but don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.

I closed my eyes and returned back to my previous state of bliss which lasted for a good minute. My mind wouldn’t let go of what she said: blindsided.
 
ME: What did you mean when you didn’t want me to get blindsided? Blindsided by what?

You know the phrase “And speak of the devil?” It would be appropriate to insert it at that moment because a young woman walked in seconds after I asked prompting Valentina to say:

VALENTINA: By her.

The woman, who I’d never seen before was heading straight towards us.

ME: Who is she?

VALENTINA: Topless Barbie’s best friend. I call her Flaky Barbie. She’s the maid of honor and....

ME: And what?

VALENTINA: Senor Bling’s girlfriend, you know the one who was asking questions about you.

To be continued. 

*** 

As we enter the last weekend of February our region is preparing for what meteorologists are calling: “Snowmageddon.” We’ve been experiencing good mild weather these last few days and now all of a sudden Old Man Winter decides to re~appear. {I wish that old dude would disappear.} Current time: it's a little after midnight, snowfall is expected to arrive around 4am.

My loyal and dear readers, it’s finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a sweet weekend. ~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Winter Vaycay: The Vow Renewal Ceremony

Cocaine Princess here.

 Christmas vaycay happen to coincide with a vow renewal ceremony. So, what lucky couple renewed their vows? The Panamanian and his much younger wife, Topless Barbie. A day before the lavish event Valentina and I were at the spa getting body scrubs. Looking through the pamphlet several different types were offered. I chose the margarita salt scrub.

 

After a fabulous treatment and feeling refreshed we headed to the nail room for our mani/pedis. Valentina was sitting right next to me. As our 10 little piggies were being soaked in the warm, soothing therapeutic water I closed my eyes and drifted away. I was in such a calm, serene place and unfortunately the tranquil feeling didn’t last very long. In a whisper like voice:

 VALENTINA: Oh my God, you’ll never believe who just showed up?

With my eyes still closed:

ME: Johnny Depp.

  

Hey, it wasn’t all that far fetched after all celebs do go on holidays and it’s possible he could stroll in for a mani/pedi, right?  When I opened my peepers who did they see?

 The Panamanian’s Wife AKA “Topless Barbie.” And in case you’re wondering she was clothed. Clothed as in she was wearing a knee~length robe as did Valentina and I. {provided by the spa} Topless Barbie had been in one of the other treatment rooms receiving a bronze glow treatment. Her skin glistened and unlike last time her tan didn’t resemble the color of driveway sealant. She spotted us right away and rushed on over to greet us with a hug-hug and kiss-kiss and then questioned what we were doing. Before I continue any further I should explain something first:

Valentina isn’t a big fan of “Barbie” and once warned me not to get into any deep conversations with her simply because “she’s not all there,” and “has the IQ of a squirrel.” Because of this she’ll make fun of Barbie behind her back or makes quiet little comments. My overall impression of her? Sweet and bubbly. I first wrote about The Panamanian and his wife here. If you can’t be bothered to read that entry {even though it is awesomely written} here’s the cliff notes version: The Panamanian is an overweight individual with a receding hairline whom Valentina affectionately calls {behind his back of course} “The Fat Balding Panamanian.” The Panamanian is a business associate of Valentina’s daddy and Topless Barbie is his wife. His 4th wife who happens to be 27 years younger than him. If you're wondering why she's known as “Topless Barbie,” click here. {Sorry, no cliff notes version for that explanation!} After greeting us Topless Barbie questioned what we were doing. Under her breath Valentina muttered the following.

VALENTINA: We’re running a marathon.

See what I mean about her little comments? I decided to reply.

ME: We’re getting ready for your big day tomorrow. You must be so excited.

TOPLESS BARBIE: Can you believe it, chica? 5 years! We’ve been happily married 5 years.

She continued talking about her nuptials with such excitement and enthusiasm....Her dress, the food, the ceremony, the decorations and as she went into detail about everything my phone went off indicating I had a text message. Figuring it was from sister I looked down on my lap where I had placed my phone. It wasn’t from sister. It was from Valentina who texted the following message to me:

“5 years–— WOW, I didn’t know Barbie could count that high.”

To be Continued....

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My loyal and dear readers, it’s finally Friday. All hail The Long Weekend!!

Whatever your plans are have a spectacular weekend. ~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Shakespeare Once Wrote....

Cocaine Princess here.

“Behind the mind that plans and the hands that build, there must be a mediator– and that is meant to be the heart.” ~Metropolis

Today is St. Valentine’s Day.

A day when chocolates taste a little more sweeter,
And roses smell a little more fragrant.

A day when kisses are a little more juicer,
Hugs are a bit more intense & touches feel more sensual.

A day for lingerie with heels. 
A day where no words are needed, only gestures.

A day to be frisky & not shy.

A day that calls for blindfolds, handcuffs and whip creme.
A day to indulge your lover's fantasies and ignite their flame.

Shakespeare once wrote:  

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”

Perhaps this explains why Love is hard to define. It’s such a profound word. How do I define love? I can’t. If anything, love is more of a feeling and some feelings are impossible to put into words. 

Then again to quote Def Leppard: “It's such a magical mysteria ......”

****

Did you know: 

It takes one hour of rigorous love-making to burn off the calories from 5 pieces of Valentine's Day Chocolates & whispering, “I love you” in her ear can warm her to the core & instantly tickle her key erogenous zones.

****

~♥ Those without a Valentine I offer these words of comfort: for every lock there is a key & when the time is right Cupid will strike.~♥

 ~♥ My loyal and dear readers, Happy St. Valentine's Day. ~♥

XOXOXOXO,

Cocaine Princess

~x

WINTER VAYCAY: Hug A Gringo

 

Cocaine Princess here.

Waking up on Christmas Morning in the tropics is always a plus. After opening our gifts
Valentina and I headed poolside for breakie. The servers although they were in uniform, all wore the red Santa caps including the employees at the front desk. Breakfast was served buffet style. I’m not a fan of buffets but given the tropical and merry ambiance, the countless times I heard “Feliz Navidad” being exchanged back and forth and watching all the little wee ones in their swim wear splashing in the pool and zooming down the water~slide, I didn’t mind waiting in line. Valentina on the other hand had a big problem.

VALENTINA: I hate buffets. I hate having to wait in line for food.

I explained I didn’t want to eat Christmas day breakie in our air conditioned suite BUT under the hot, sultry sun. And of course she had a speedy reply.

VALENTINA: We have a butler and I know for a fact he can cook. He can whip us up a fantastic meal where it will be served to us by the pool.
 
We each had a plate in our hands that were given to us by servers at the start of the buffet line. Holding her plate above her head she said in a whiny like voice:

VALENTINA: I feel like we’re begging for food. It’s gonna take us a lifetime.

Contrary to what she said the line was moving along at a good pace and was organized quite well.

VALENTINA: There really ought to be a separate line for us.

ME: We’re almost there.

VALENTINA: Are you excited about seeing daddy tonight?

ME: Beyond words.

Valentina’s daddy spent Christmas Eve on Sandbox Island where The Host threw her annual holiday bash. I received an invitation as I do every year but politely declined. I’m not going to lie, her parties are a complete snooze~fest. I last attended one in 2010 and dysfunctional doesn’t even begin to cover it. If you missed reading about that party click here for those tremendously written entries. Reminiscing about that party made waiting in line a little more bearable for Valentina and before we knew it our turn had arrived.

One of the highlights of going to the beach on December 25th is the arrival of Santa Claus. The jolly guy arrives and passes out chocolates and candy canes regardless if you’ve been naughty or nice. So was I naughty or nice? Hmm, let’s just say I fall somewhere in between. For the past couple of years I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing a tropical Santa, only the traditional looking one who insists on dressing from head to toe in flannel. A sweaty Santa on the beach.....Ick! I prefer my Kris Kringle in tropical form: dressed in a Tommy Bahama shirt, shorts and flip~flops! 

Dinner took place at sunset. Valentina’s daddy reserved a lovely table for the 3 of us out on the restaurant patio with the entourage nearby. As lovely as the night was going Valentina had her list of complaints starting with how it was possible for such a lavish place to permit some of the guests who were dressed like they rolled out of bed?

VALENTINA: Aren’t they aware of the dress code?

A sign was posted on the doors of the dining establishment:“Proper Attire Is Required. No Beach Wear.” I looked around to see what some of the guests were wearing. Many were dressed very nicely, others not so much. The Nicely Dressed versus the Not So Nicely Dressed did however have one thing in common– they enjoyed chomping down on the chef’s special, lobster. I could tell by the look on my best friend’s face she was a tad repulsed. As the main course was being served to us Valentina had yet another question:

VALENTINA: Why isn’t management forcing everyone to abide by the dress code?

The answer-- hey it’s all about the money, right? The majority of the guests appeared to be North American and they all carried US dollars. She kept on critiquing that the toast Valentina’s daddy was trying to make was delayed for several minutes until she was done with her new role as Fashion Police correspondent, and when she was finally done I silently said, thank you. I understood her point of view. You’re dining in a graceful restaurant, how hard is it to retire the beach look and change into something dressy?

Midway through dinner I received a text from sister. She mentioned she had sent 4 messages but I didn’t receive any of them. Hmm, how weird but it didn’t take long to find out why.

VALENTINA: Her messages came while you were passed out. I heard your phone go off, checked to see who it was and then deleted the texts.

ME: Oh my God! She’s probably worried sick why I haven’t texted her back. Why would you do that?!

I immediately sent sister a message letting her know I was still alive.

VALENTINA: Mi amor, relax. I sent her a text from my phone and let her know you were having the time of your life and.......

There was a momentary pause.


ME: And–

VALENTINA: And I told her not to bother you. Can you please pass the salt, daddy?

ME: Why?

VALENTINA: Because my steak needs seasoning.

ME: Oh good grief not that. I mean why would you text my sister something like that?

Valentina’s daddy then spoke. He turned to Valentina.

V's DADDY: Before you answer her-

And then he looked at me.


V’s DADDY: What’s this about you passing out?

Again, I DID NOT pass out. I explained what happened and satisfied with my answer we turned our attention to Valentina.

VALENTINA: Oh, is it my turn now?

Oh boy, there is was-- the Cheshire grin! It appeared after her question. I was wondering how long it would take to re-emerge again.

VALENTINA: Why is she bothering you today?

ME: She wished me a Merry Christmas and asked if I was alright. I would hardly call that bothersome.

VALENTINA: She knows you’re alright. Besides you think the Gringo would let anything happen to you? Before you start lecturing me about the “G word” turn around and look at the guy sitting at 3 o’clock. 

I did exactly what she said. At 3 o’clock was a table of 5 individuals from the US. {I detected they were from the states because of their East Coast dialect} I turned back around in my seat.

VALENTINA: From now on you better not give me anymore grief when I say the word “Gringo.”

So who exactly was sitting at 3 o’clock. As I wrote, “a table of 5 individuals.” I guess I should mention one of whom was wearing a tee that had the following words written across it:

“HUG A GRINGO.”

I couldn't help but giggle.

****

My loyal and dear readers, it’s finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a fabulous weekend.~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Winter Vaycay: Girls Gone Wild!

 

Cocaine Princess here.

To review:

As I was nearing the room Gucci was guarding I could hear Valentina backing out of her chair. She darted around the corner and uttered the following words:

VALENTINA: Mi amor, forget the deal-- I’ll just tell you.

To Be Continued....

This time it was my jaw that dropped. After I picked it up off the floor I turned around. Valentina stood at the entrance of the hallway. Walking towards her I inspected her face very carefully. No Cheshire grin, the look in her eyes was sincere. In other words there was not one sign of cheekiness.

ME: You’re going to tell me just like that?

She nodded. Hmm, how interesting considering she was so enthused telling me about WNSNBM and although she seemed sincere I figured she must have some type of loophole and was planning on telling me anyways despite my protesting she not. She promised she wouldn’t . We returned back to the kitchen.

Hope you’re ready because here’s all the sordid details. CAUTION: EXPLICIT CONTENT:

We headed to the beach with our Rum Runners in hand. After toasting to a merry and joyous winter vaycay we sat back in one of the hotels’ beach chairs where Valentina filled me in on all the latest gossip. As she proceeded to fill in the blanks small fragments of my memory slowly started to come back and I began to recall some of the things she had told me.

VALENTINA: And then you passed out shortly after you were done with your drink.

ME: I passed out?

VALENTINA: You know you’re a light~weight.

Alcohol does the body good!

I wouldn’t call it passing out. The weeks leading up to my holidays I hadn’t been sleeping very well. I was lucky if I was getting 2-3 hours a night. I can only assume total exhaustion set in and, all those hours of sleep I was deprived off finally caught up with me. But wait— if I fell asleep how did I get from the beach to my room?

VALENTINA: Semper~Fi was nearby the whole time. He carried you in and don’t worry I was watching the whole time so he wouldn't cop a feel.  

She looked at Semper~Fi who was standing to one side checking on his Blackberry.

VALENTINA: Or did you manage to sneak one?

Oh good grief! Seriously I don’t understand why Valentina is so hell bent on embarrassing me. Once in my bedroom I apparently woke up.

VALENTINA: You were in that moment when you weren’t exactly asleep but you weren’t exactly awake either.

Somehow in the state I was in I managed to change out of my clothes and put on my nightie.

VALENTINA: Mi amor, as soon as your head hit the pillow you were out. It’s a good thing you didn’t do any shots otherwise you’d still be sleeping ‘til 2013.

So there you have it my lovelies, mystery solved. I know what you’re thinking, not exactly Girls Gone Wild, is it?!

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My loyal and dear readers, it’s finally Friday!

Hey, it’s Super~Bowl Weekend and I can’t wait for the halftime show. One word: 

MADONNA!!
 
Speaking of the halftime show, Audi released their 2012 Game Day Commercial early. 
I like the vampire theme and the song used in the background, "The Killing Moon by Echo & The Bunnymen.

Take a look: 

Whatever your plans are have a fantastic weekend.~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess