Cocaine Princess here.
Regardless of how your heart gets broken one thing that's certain is the pain is unbearable. I had felt pain before when my mom had died but not like this. I think the difference was with my mom, although I had hope and remained positive there was that what if she doesn't make it thought? And no matter how many times I tried blocking that thought, it would slowly creep back in. I suppose a part of me was prepared for her death but that didn't make her dying any easier. However with the breakup I was totally blindsided. I know what you're probably thinking "how could she have not known?" "There must have been warning signs" I can honestly say no to both those questions. And no I wasn't clueless or oblivious and there were no signs either.
I remember my heart being in a constant ache, like someone was physically crushing it all hours of the day, my body ached in places I never knew existed. I don't think there are any words or adjectives in any language that can put into words the pain I felt. At the same time thoughts of my mom, her illness, her death all came flooding back to me. My good friend explained to me it was because a breakup is like death. You grieve, you mourn and as hard as it was for me to do, I did. I had to, I had no choice. I had to allow myself to grieve and feel whatever it was I needed otherwise I would have never been able to heal.
I had taken a day off at work one day after the breakup and just cried and I remember wanting to wake up from the nightmare. When I returned to work the next day one of my co-workers (I will refer to her a J) just looked at me and I started to cry and she held me in her arms. My other co-worker (I will refer to her as X) who is more or less my partner in crime gave me a candle and a piece of paper about karma. I lost count how many times I had to excuse myself to the back and just needed to cry because of the pain, and thank God for my work family who were there supporting and comforting me in anyway they could.
My male friend was (and still is) extremely comforting & helpful in my healing. Not to say that my female friends weren't helpful because they were but as strange as this might be, the words that my male friend offered to me were far more comforting because his words were gentle. There weren't any words that started with"F" (I of course understand their anger) and when he spoke to me he spoke with compassion. My friend had gone through heartbreak before too. I cried at a few of the messages he had sent me because he knew exactly what I was going through and it hurt me that someone had hurt him just as it hurt him that someone had hurt me.
I'm good with calendar dates and have a good memory so when September arrived I knew it was his birthday month, 5 days after my mom's and then 20 days later would be the dreaded anniversary of him breaking up with him. The final two hurdles I had to get through. I'm still not sure what hurts the most, the way he broke up with me or the fact that he remained so silent. There wasn't even a simple "hey how are you? I hope you are doing okay?" After the breakup I had sent him an email pouring my heart out to him. There was no response. No Christmas greeting, no New Year's message, nothing. Not til mid January when we had entered lockdown 2 and he had inquired about how he would be sending some of my things that were in his closet back to me. A few weeks later my birthday took place. Was there even a birthday greeting? Nope. I spent 4 years of my life with this man and his silence was like a knife in the heart. It was silent torture as my good friend called it.
October 20th was 5 days ago, a few days earlier I was out with my bestie having dinner when she had brought up the subject of him and I just started to cry. She came over to where I was sitting and gave me the most loving and supportive hug and said I deserve better and there is someone out there for me. ( I will be talking more about my bestie in the next few posts) I needed that cry because knowing the date was approaching I needed to let that last pain out. If I compare myself to where I was a year ago, I'm in a much happier place. Do I still hurt? Yes, but I've learned to deal with it. The funny thing about grief is how it can just shows up without any warning. At a red light, while applying my makeup, while in the shower it will just hit me like a lightning bolt the way he broke up with me. At a year ago I would have started crying but now I'm able to just, well not brush it off (because it does still hurt and I do still love him. Love isn't a switch that you can easily turn on & then off) but I'm able to deal with the pain. I don't allow myself to live in pain anymore.
XOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
