Sleeping Pills and Diet Dr. Pepper

Cocaine Princess here.
I saw this commercial where Abe Lincoln is sitting in a kitchen playing cards with a guy in his pj's. Abe Lincoln is telling the guy how much his dreams miss him. It was an ad for a sleeping pill. So I thought maybe a sleeping pill may work for me. I popped a sleeping pill last night and then drank a little red wine even though the warning label advised against it. In under 30min I started to feel as if the walls were spinning and I was going to faint. Normally I would have loved the fact that I was falling asleep but I was in such a writing mode that I didn't want to stop. When I'm in my writing mode all the words flow smoothly and it can be like that for hours. So I grabbed a Diet Dr. Pepper bottle hoping the caffeine would wake me up. The writing mode didn't kick in until after I took the pill and I didn't think the pill would work so quickly. The alcohol may have played a part in that. Alcohol does make me sleepy but it only lasts for about 5-6 hours. The pills/alcohol was mightier than Dr. Pepper because I fell asleep. I was awoken by 'A' with a morning kiss on my cheek. I fell asleep in my writing room with the TV on to Martha Stewart- I adore her and her show!! I can't even describe how I felt. My head was pounding but my body felt incredibly light. After exercising for about an hour and showering, 'A' brought me my breakfast on a silver tray- my can of Slim Fast and a Swarvoski crystal champagne glass to drink it from. I like drinking my Slim Fast in there. As I was drinking my breakfast, today aside from Duran Duran dropping their new single it's also my mom's birthday. God knows what she and I would have done or where we would have gone. Sometimes the pain is so unbearable that I don't even want to get out of bed but then when I close my eyes I see my mom, precisely the last time I saw her. Time Heals All Pain. Who ever said that is a friggin' idiot. I think of all the things she has missed and all the things she is going to miss. She was really the only one who ever believed in me, that I would be, that I will be a published, happy and successful writer. I guess as long as I believe that's all that really matters. A mother's love can never be replaced. So I got a gourmet cake, lit the candles, sang Happy Birthday and then blew the candles out for her. I didn't leave flowers on her grave because I don't know where her grave is and I don't want to know. I didn't even go to her funeral, I couldn't. The last 6 months of her life she was living in and out of the hospitals and I was there for every second of it, all her appointments and treatments. When you see someone slowly dying in front of you and there's nothing you can do despite being positive and holding on to hope and that person still dies, you are never ever the same again, mentally, emotionally and physically. 'A' took care of all the funeral arrangements. And the pain never goes away. Some days the pain is silent but not for long. It quickly comes back screaming at you and tormenting and eating at you. 'He', I'll just call him 'he' didn't say anything about her today not even one mention. Honestly it's like a sigh of relief for him that mom is gone. All 'he' cares about is himself. 'He' cares more about and loves his other family more. God knows I will never have anything to do with them: a bunch of hungry, low class, vile vultures who just take and take and take!!!! Saturday night 'he' was talking on the phone with 'her.' The fact that 'he' openly talks to her in front of me on the phone is like a slap in the face. A few days ago I was going over my old diary entries and the first manuscript that I ever wrote is based on two drug rival kingpins. I didn't realize it until now but one of the personalities of the drug kingpins is based on 'he.' Selfish, cold and uncompassionate and verbally abusive.
We hardly speak to one another in the house, his weekends are with his other precious family. I don't even care anymore. 'A' always tells me to not let it get to me because it's a waste of time. 'He's' never going to change. A leopard never changes his spots.
Feeling depressed as I was today I received another rejection letter. It wasn't a form letter. The agent actually sent back my query letter and hand written in black marker ink he wrote, No thanks. Not for me. So all day in my mind I kept repeating over and over to myself: "The blizzard doesn't last forever." Happy Birthday Mama-Bear. I love you. I miss you. I need you. I want you.

XOXOXOXO
Cocaine Princess

But to you mama I will always be your Colombian Princess.