SEMPER FI: Uncle Sam Must Be Proud

Cocaine Princess here.

Shovel, Shovel
Toil and Trouble!!

People's backs are aching and everyone is moaning and groaning- and not in a romantic way either. Friday night we got hit with yet another storm. It lasted a full 36 hours. Since Jan. 2008 it's our 8th storm and we've received a total of 195.2cm of snow. Yesterday my next door neighbor, the one who owns the hideous creature with four legs was shoveling the driveway while swearing. It's gotten to the point where everyone is simply fed up and sick of the snow and cold weather. I received an email asking how I can stand all the snow and cold weather? Answer: You just get use to it. Being a Canadian means enduring long and harsh winters. It never seems like the snow will melt away but it does and spring/summer eventually arrives. But it isn't just Canada, the eastern part of the US gets hammered pretty bad too, in fact whenever they have a storm we too feel the effects.

I can't tell you how sorry I am and how bad I feel for the emails that were sent to you by 'anonymous' criticizing and insulting you for reading and liking my blog. I appreciate all of you for defending my blog and I. I especially like your reasons for why 'anonymous' is such a hater of my blog. It's because 'anonymous' is'

1) a Sh*t Bag
2) a repressed and frustrated individual with no social skills and lives in their parents basement sucking up welfare money
3) someone who is shunned by society
4) a religious freak
5) a middle-aged sag who caught her husband reading my blog and drooling over my pictures.
6) an over religious right-wing nut with nothing to do

7) a bum who lives at home mimicking their parents values

8) an ignorant coward.

I like to believe this person is a combination of all of the above. 'Anonymous' has been attacking me since I started blogging. I know this person is trying to provoke and anger me into writing about them on my blog. For the past month and a half 'anonymous' had been sending me trashy emails. I just deleted and ignored them. I'm sure 'anonymous' was expecting a response. But when I didn't that is when they began to attack the people who read my blog and I knew and 'anonymous' knew too I wouldn't stay quiet. Normally I'm not one to be easily provoked but provoke me enough and my flames will come out blazing so hot that it will burn you beyond recognition. It's not a good idea to become an enemy of a Cocaine Princess.

On Saturday I was stuck inside the house because of the stupid storm. It was horrible. My Saturdays are spent shopping so when I couldn't go out you can imagine how devastated I was. When I was little I didn't mind the snow so much. I enjoyed going sledding and skating and making snow angels and snowmen until I got a taste of the tropical climate. It was in mid January and my mom had taken me to the Miami. We ate lunch on a restaurant patio while feeling a light and cool breeze of a nearby palm tree. It was precisely on that day I began hating the snow. Depressed and not being able to shop I decided maybe there was something good to watch on TV to get my mind off the storm. Fat chance of that happening since all the local channels were reporting on the storm while the other channels were airing various sporting events. I flipped on over to the movie channels and the only thing that seemed interesting was the JAWS marathon starting with the first part and ending with JAWS IV. It lasted close to nine hours. I only saw the first one. I wasn't in the mood to watch a bunch of sunbathers becoming a dinner meal while I was once again stuck inside on account on the damn weather.

Valentina called on Saturday and the first thing that came out of her mouth, 'I am not mischievous!' (If you recall in my entry titled GILLIGAN WEARING ARMANI I wrote how Valentina had a mischievous side after learning she emailed pictures of me to Senor Bling)

'Oh really,' I said. 'Bring the present Lawyer-Guy sent you and I'll have it x-rayed at the airport. What do you call that?' I asked. 'Being brilliant,' she replied. 'I just didn't count on daddy finding out so quickly.' While talking with me on the phone Valentina kept on crunching on something so I asked what she was eating? 'Zucharitas,' she answered. Zucharitas is Latin America's name for Frosted Flakes cereal. It's the exact same cereal with Tony the Tiger on the box saying "they're great" but only in Spanish. 'You haven't emailed any more pictures of me to Senor Bling have you?' I questioned. Even though she promised me she wouldn't I wasn't entirely convinced. For all I know her fingers could have been crossed. 'I promised you I wouldn't and thanks to you I also had to promise daddy I wouldn't either.' 'Daddy?' I questioned. 'Yes daddy,' she replied. 'You had to blab about it on your blog,' she complained. 'What did he say?' I asked. 'He calls me into his den and he's at his computer at your blog page,' she started to explain. 'He starts reading out loud the part where I told you I emailed the pictures to Senor Bling and daddy asked why I did it? I told him I was punishing him for what he did to you. Daddy said Senor Bling already knows he blew it with you and that's when I had to promise him I wouldn't send him anymore pictures and...' She didn't finish the sentence. 'And?' I curiously asked. 'And then daddy told me to stop being so mischievous.' 'See! Even daddy agrees with me!' I exclaimed. She continued. 'So you don't have to worry, I won't be emailing any more pictures otherwise I may run the risk of getting my credit cards confiscated.' 'Good God we can't have that happening,' I stated. 'Every mall in Latin America would close down without your business.' 'Not that daddy would ever confiscate my cards but if he did I have all the credit card numbers including the expiry dates memorized,' Valentina said laughing. (I wrote before when Valentina was younger she was mischievous. I forget to mention she was also curious. Curious about anything and everything. As she got older the curious side of her faded away but the mischievous side of her remained. Valentina's daddy is an extremely tough businessman and a person who you really don't want to get angry but when it comes to Valentina he's a big softee. She's an only child and in her daddy's eyes she can absolutely do no wrong) She then gave me a message from her daddy. 'Daddy wants you to know he loves you eternally, misses you terribly and as beautiful as you look he wishes you would post photos with just a little more clothing. But don't ok because Senor Bling knows your blog page. Let him continue to suffer for the rest of his life.' I was then told by Valentina how angry her daddy became after reading the entry titled Punk-Ass Little Bitch. 'Oh God how angry is angry?' I asked biting down on my lip. 'Daddy is so angry that he wants to spill the punk ass little bitch's blood and so do I! The fact that punk-ass insulted your mom and my mom too since we were both raised the same way made daddy's vein in his forehead bulge out and throb. If the bitch is reading this daddy has a message: Punk-ass if you continue to bother or insult the Cocaine Princess my people will eventually track you down and obliterate you. Don't think by being anonymous you're safe.' I'm sure by now you're all aware it isn't smart to harass someone connected to the Cartel. If anything it's lethal and fatal. Just as Valentina was about to tell me something else she said, 'hang on a second.' I could hear her talking to someone but didn't know who. 'I have to call you back,' she said. After about an hour she called back. Our conversation was interrupted by, let's just call him Senor Dinero, Valentina's daddy's cousin who serves as his accountant was questioning Valentina about a recent purchase she had made while in Panama. I was suppose to be with her on that trip but couldn't get out of the house because of snow storm #7. Valentina purchased a diamond bracelet. The credit card statement read: $4500.00 -1 of 5. Senor Dinero wanted to know why she didn't charge it all at once? She explained the store was having an anniversary sale and was offering customers an installment plan. Senor Dinero informed Valentina the installment plan was just a way for the store to lure customers in. He needed the jewelery store's number so he could call them to cancel the installment plan and just charge it all at once. The sales associate failed to inform the princess the installment payments came with a high interest rate. 'Every month I feel like I'm on trial where I have to defend my purchases to him.' she stated. 'Last month he asked why I paid $15,000.00 for a handbag? I told him that's how much it cost. He then asked why did it cost so much? I told him it was Hermes and then I questioned him how much his alligator shoes cost?' 'What did he say?' I asked. 'He didn't answer the question,' she replied. 'He's got four Lamborghinis that he doesn't even drive. He keeps them in his garage and he's questioning me about my Hermes bag?! I told him daddy doesn't complain about my purchases so why are you? He replied, I'm not complaining. I'm your daddy's accountant. I have to make sure that all these purchases were made by you and not somebody else. That's when he started lecturing me about credit card id theft. I just rolled my eyes at him.' 'You didn't?' I said. 'I did,' Valentina proudly replied. 'And the reason I couldn't stay on the phone was because Senor Dinero needed me to gather all the receipts from the past month so he could match it up to the credit card transactions. He ended by saying he was going to talk to daddy about putting me on a budget.' At that point I got very worried and I think I may have even felt the earth move a little. There are a lot of things you just don't say to a Cocaine Princess, such as: do the dishes, vacuum the rug, do the laundry, cook dinner- basically anything that involves domestic duties is off limits. As for telling a Cocaine Princess she is going to be on a budget, well that's close to being at the top of the list of things not to say. 'Is Senor Dinero still breathing?' I asked. 'Yeah he's breathing,' she answered, 'and he's lucky he still is. He said he was just kidding.' Right before Senor Dinero began to interrogate Valentina, she was on the verge of telling me something so I asked her what it was. Her daddy finally replaced the bodyguard he fired. 'What's he like?' I asked. 'I don't think he's human,' she replied. 'When daddy was introducing me to him he shook my hand and I think he crushed a couple of my bones. His hands are the size of a loaf of bread but made from concrete. This one is Russian. He served in the army and then was a police officer for a few years.' I knew her daddy was acquainted with a couple of Russian businessmen and asked if the new bodyguard came recommended by them. 'It's possible' Valentina said, 'but I don't think so. Daddy doesn't trust or listen to anyone's opinions in certain matters except his own.' Three years ago I met the Russian businessmen at a party. There were three of them, a father, his son and son-in-law. All I really remember is they smoked a lot of stinky cigars, spoke in a very thick accent and barely cracked a smile until the alcohol was served. The entire security detail who are employed by Valentina's daddy must have some sort of military and/or police training among other things. One bodyguard that is employed is an ex-US marine. Tattooed on the inner part of his arm is a nautical sign followed by the US flag with words SEMPER FI below it. Uncle Sam must be proud.

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess