Have You Ever Felt Like This?

Cocaine Princess here.

Have you ever had one of those days where your alarm clock goes off and you just don't feel like getting out of bed? You feel beat, you lack energy and feel unfocused and fizzled out for no reason? This is how I've been feeling. I've been laid up in bed all week just staring at the ceiling feeling icky and achy hardly doing a single thing.

On Friday I managed to get myself out of bed only because I needed to go out and pick up a couple of things. I began my workout which I gave up after 10 minutes and then took a shower. I was sitting at the breakfast table eating a bowl of Fruit Loops. 'A' was already in the kitchen on her way to work when she said something. I don't know what she was saying because I wasn't really paying attention, just bits and pieces. Actually I wasn't paying attention at all. I was so exhausted and couldn't be bothered. I'm sure all of you have seen the Charlie Brown cartoon specials on TV. You never hear the adults speaking. Replacing their voices are a weird trombone sound. Well that's all I heard while her mouth moved.

At around 10am I was dressed and ready to go. I was in my room picking out a pair of heels and not boots because the snow has finally melted! All my winter clothes and boots are in storage and out of storage are my spring clothing and accessories. The grass is finally showing, birds have begun chirping again and the geese have returned from the south. Today we hit a high of +22C. Hopefully the weather will continue to stay warm and not turn. This year our winter was exceptionally too long and too hard. Anyways, as I was choosing a pair of stilettos I could hear the hideous looking creature barking. I looked out the window to pinpoint exactly where it was. The last thing I wanted was to come face to face with it and lose my breakfast. The creature was running around in its' backyard like a maniac.

I honestly tried making an effort to go out but it was useless. So instead I plopped myself down in front of the TV. Jerry Springer was about to air and I'm an addict for him but I was so unfocused I had no clue why the guests were slapping each other around. I did however pay attention to one thing, a Domino's commercial. I looked at the clock, it was almost 11am. When it comes to eating I'm quite disciplined. I watch very carefully what I eat but once in awhile it's okay to gorge out. I called up Domino's and ordered a large cheese pizza with roasted red and jalapeño peppers and tomatoes. The operator asked if I wanted any garlic bread, salad or wings with my order? When I said yes to the wings she then asked if I wanted any dessert? I agreed to the cinnastix, I had never tasted them and then requested her to throw in a 6-pack of Coke. She said my order would be delivered within 3o-35 minutes. As I waited and tried to figure out what was happening on Springer, Valentina called me. When I answered this is the first thing she said, 'I'm so bored, can you come over?' 'Yeah, I'll be there in ten minutes,' I replied. 'You know what I mean,' she said back. I told her how I'd been feeling. 'If I don't have the strength to even leave the house how am I suppose to get to the airport?' I asked her. 'Usually retail therapy works for me when I feel down,' said Valentina. 'And it does for me too but not this time.' I replied back. 'Please, I miss you,' she stated. 'I just saw you over Easter weekend. Remember Sandbox Island?' I stated. 'It was more like Claustrophobic Island,' Valentina replied. 'Daddy's in Zürich.' 'Yeah I know he called me two days ago,' I said. Valentina didn't accompany daddy to Zürich on account of the cold weather still there- she's allergic to it. As I said goodbye, Valentina told me to call her back if I changed my mind. A few minutes later the doorbell rang, I looked at the clock and it hadn't been thirty minutes yet. I checked the cameras to see who it was. It was my neighbor's nanny with the hideous looking creature on a leash. I contemplated for a couple of seconds on whether or not to open the door. I faked a smile and while opening the door I could feel my fruit loops coming up. 'Hi,' said the nanny. 'Sorry to disturb you but one of my kids threw their hockey stick over the fence and into your yard.' I told her I would unlock the gate. I went through the kitchen-patio doors and unlocked it and quickly ran back inside because as soon as the nanny entered she let go of the creature's leash. Watching her from the window she found the hockey stick lying in between two shrubs. Further down were two tennis balls and a Frisbee- not the one that hit me in the head but another one. I never took notice of the items because the snow must have been covering them. While the nanny was on a scavenger hunt the creature was busy doing some bizarre ritual- it would bark up in the air, run around in a circle, howl and roll over. It kept on doing this several times. I swear there's something tragically wrong with the creature. After the nanny finished collecting the items she saw me in the window and holding the items, smiled and left with the creature following her. I waited a few seconds to make sure the creature was back in its' own yard and then returned outside to lock the gate.
Domino's finally delivered my order within the promised time frame. In one hand I held the pizza box with the wing and cinnistix box on top and in my other hand the Coke cans which were in a plastic bag. I sat everything on the coffee table and went to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of ranch dressing. I opened the lid of the pizza box and it was piping hot. It smelled so good with the heat intensifying the smell of the peppers. I drizzled ranch dressing all over it and then opened the wing box, I ordered those suicide. I cracked open a Coke and began eating the slices right out of the box using the stiff like napkins Domino's provided as a plate. In between my pizza slices I was eating the wings. My hands and mouth were covered in hot sauce and I didn't care. I ate four slices and left the remainder for 'A.' I took only one bite out of the cinnastix, it had an odd sweet taste to it.

Time was going at a turtle's pace for me on Friday. At that point the only highlight of my day was finally being able to catch Madonna's new video with Justin Timberlake, 4 MINUTES- "You got to get him hot, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock." It's a fantastic video but I'm a little biased. I love Madonna and anything and everything she does I love. After that I don't remember what happened other than I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew 'A' was waking me up. It took a few seconds for me to come out of it. If 'A' was home from work I must have been asleep all afternoon. 'What time is it?' I asked. 'It's two,' she replied. 'What are you doing home this early?' 'I told you at breakfast I was coming home early, remember?' 'Yes I remember. No I don't,' I then replied. ' 'I thought so, you were so quiet. I should have just written you a note,' she said back. There was some sort of school half day holiday for all the students and teachers which was why she had come home early. 'A' looked at the coffee table. The pizza lid and wing box was half closed, the can of Coke I had drank was lying on the carpet to one side and I'm still not quite sure how it got there and my crumbled up napkins covered in hot sauce were scattered across the table. 'I see you've had a productive afternoon,' she commented. I snapped at her and said 'clever observation Agatha Christie.' I felt bad afterwards because I've never spoken to her that way. 'Oh dear, you're cranky and moody.' I didn't respond back that time, instead I slumped over and buried my face in the sofa. 'A' sat down beside me and stroked my back. 'You're still in your funk aren't you? Tell me what's wrong, do you feel sick?' I nodded no. 'You've been like this all week. And you not once going to the mall has got me worried.' She pulled me up and put her arm around me and asked, 'did you talk to the hurricane today?' 'We spoke, earlier,' I answered. In case you're wondering, the hurricane is Valentina, a nickname given to her by 'A' when she was little. 'Describe to me how you feel.' I just blew her a raspberry. 'That's how I feel.' ''Why do you feel this way?' she then questioned. 'If I knew that don't you think I'd be able to get out of this funk? I don't know whether to cry or scream.' 'Why don't we go out to the movies? she suggested. 'I don't feel like going out,' I said. 'It'll be fun.' A red flag alert popped in my mind. 'The last time you said that you dragged me grocery shopping.' 'And I'm sorry that I made you go. But you've been to the movies before and it's not like grocery shopping. I think if you get out of the house you'll feel better,' she said taking my hands. It's gorgeous outside and a change of scenery will help.' I looked down at my nails and was horrified to see my polish was chipped. I couldn't believe how neglectful I had become. 'We can't go out, look at my nails.' 'No one's going to notice them,' she replied looking at them. 'You did,' I said. 'Because you told me to look at them,' she answered. I nodded my head no to going out. 'How about you get your manicure first and then we'll go to the movies okay?' 'Okay but I want to change my clothes first,' I said getting up.' 'What you're wearing is fine.' 'I smell of pizza and hot sauce. I'll be down in a sec,' I said heading out of the room.

At the salon I asked 'A' to join me in getting her nails done but she declined. She sat nearby me reading a magazine. As you probably know by now 'A' is a sibling of mine, older. The two of us are several years apart in age. She has somewhat of a Martha Stewart-like persona. I of course don't mean that in a bad way, she's my sister and I love her. 'A' is into baking and cooking and all that other kind of stuff Martha Stewart loves to do and I don't love to do. She's very casual. The two of us were raised in the same house by the same mom and we both were given and had access to the exact same privileges and luxuries so it puzzles me sometimes where her personality comes from. She gets invited to all the same parties and get-togethers as I do but doesn't go to any of them. 'It's not my thing. You go and have fun,' is what she always says. The last party she attended with me was three years ago. When we go out I'm dressed to the nines and she'll be in her sweats or cargos. For her last birthday I took her shopping to the Chanel boutique and it was like pulling teeth to get her to pick a handbag. I wanted to throw her a big bash but she didn't want one. Instead she invited a few of her friends over and the party wasn't so much of a party, it was more like a book club meeting at a library. Once in a blue moon she'll indulge in luxury things and even take a trip with me. She doesn't need to work but chose to go to university and obtained two degrees. Monday to Friday she gets up at 5am to get ready for work and doesn't return home until around 6 in the evening. Sometimes I've seen her come home so exhausted where I've told her to quit a couple of times if she feels that way. She responds by saying she loves her job and is happy.

When you think about it that's all it comes down to, being happy in life. I've never been one to believe happiness or even success is measured on the amount of money you make or have. I know plenty of wealthy people who aren't happy but to keep up appearances they pretend to be. When you're wealthy you have your money and your power to camouflage your problems. Having money doesn't always equal or even guarantee emotional stability and not having a huge bank account doesn't make you any less of a person compared to someone who has, nor does it matter what you do for a living. An individual could be working at McDonald's or be landscaping someone's garden, doing construction, working crazy hours in the ER, delivering mail or pizza, cleaning houses, working in a tiny cubicle, fixing cars, pumping gas, defending a Kingpin in court on a bogus charge trumped up by the DEA to even serving cheesecake to a princess at a bistro, and if those individuals are happy in my mind they're all successful because they're doing something they love. My sister is very content in living life the way she chooses to so who am I to interfere or change her? It would be wrong of me if I did, I would be taking away her happiness. She is who she is and I am who I am. Regardless of our opposite personalities we get along wonderfully.

When we arrived at the Mega-Plex we looked at the board to see what was playing. We decided on Prom Night, well I decided. Movie critics were not kind to this film and urged movie-goers to avoid it. I've never been one to like or dislike something because someone says so. I prefer using my own judgment and forming my own opinion. Aside from 'A' and I there were five other people for a total of seven, it was the matinee show. Even though I pigged out on pizza and wings earlier, we each had a jumbo popcorn (I never should have asked for extra butter because it made the popcorn at the bottom all soggy) a mega-size coke and a king-size 3Musketeers. The movie was short and I'm probably in the minority but I liked it!
As we were leaving 'A' asked how I was feeling? 'I feel better, the funk seems to be going away,' I answered. The Mega-Plex is in the middle of all these restaurants. 'A' wanted to take me out to dinner. I had ate so much already and thought why stop now? 'What are you in the mood for?' she asked. I looked at the choices. McDonald's, Boston Pizza, Montana's, Sushi-Prince, Subway and all the other popular fast food places. I decided on Denny's because I was in the mood to eat breakfast again. I wanted to make up for the lousy morning I had and Denny's was the only place out of all the others that served breakfast 24hrs. Breakfast for supper is so delicious. I ordered two fried eggs, the hash browns, bacon and Texas toast on white.

Saturday the weather was even more beautiful and hotter than Friday. We hit +26C. 'A' and I went shopping and I could tell I was back to myself and it felt so good! We ate out again, this time 'A' picked the restaurant. We dined at Kelsey's but neither of us could hear the other person speak. The patrons at the bar were watching a hockey game. I didn't know at first who was playing until there was a loud cheer. The Bruins were playing the Habs and the Habs scored. There were several loud and long boos shortly afterwards. The Bruins kept on scoring and won in the end.

Sometimes without even knowing mental exhaustion invades you knocking you right out. The icky feeling was brewing inside of me for the past few weeks but I just shook it off and chose to ignore it which I know now was a mistake. It's usually our bodies way of telling us something. I still don't know what the cause of mine was, maybe lack of sleep or just an overload of emotions. Whatever the case I'm glad it's over. Tomorrow is Monday a day most people hate. Not me. I'm full of adrenaline and so looking forward in seeing what the week has in store for me.

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess