Holiday Monday AKA Disastrous Holiday Monday

Cocaine Princess here.

I hope everyone (unlike me) had a wonderful holiday Monday. Here's how mine went down.

Saturday and Sunday was perfect in every sense of the word. Holiday Monday however was a different story starting with the weather. We only hit a high of +7C and on top of the chilly weather it was windy. My sister was out on the patio grilling away. I wanted to go out and keep her company but was dreading it. I could hear the hideous creature barking from inside. I went out anyways and the hideous creatures' bark was louder than usual, almost as if it was barking into a megaphone. 'You think the owners would come out and haul the creature inside,' I stated. 'They're not home. I saw them all leave,' informed A. 'They all left? Even the nanny?' I asked. 'Even the nanny,' she answered. 'Why didn't they drop the creature off at the kennel?' 'I guess it means they're not going to be gone long,' she said. The person who lives behind the hideous creature is a retiree. He started yelling at the dog to shut up over and over again resulting in the dog barking even louder. He then peaked his head over the fence and asked, 'are they not home?' 'No,' my sister answered. 'Where are they?' My sister shrugged her shoulders indicating she didn't know. He continued his yelling. The people who live behind me are a husband and wife. 'You're only making it more angry!' yelled the wife. 'The barking isn't making you crazy?!' the retiree yelled back. 'There's nothing we can do about it!' she answered. 'How about we put the damn thing to sleep!' And if that wasn't bad enough the people who live on the other side of the hideous creature decided to join in on the chorus of 'SHUT UP!' I turned to my sister and jokingly said, 'wow I'm having so much fun. How about you?' 'It'll eventually die down,' she said. And it did after a couple of minutes, the shouting not the barking. Then I heard someone say 'can I come in?' It was the retiree. I don't know why but I opened the gate and allowed him in. He first looked at the B-B-Q and deeply inhaled. 'Smells good. What are you girls doing, having a girls night in?' he asked. 'Is there something you need?' I asked. 'Where did your neighbors go?' 'As my sister already told you we don't know.' I replied. 'How can you not know? You live beside them.' 'And you live behind them and you don't know either,' I said back. Turning to my sister he said, 'you may want to turn the heat up a little.' She didn't respond nor did she turn up the heat. She's a real good cook and didn't need the culinary expertise of Chef Boy-R-Retiree. 'When do you think they'll be back?' was his next question. 'Hopefully soon,' I said. 'Why didn't they take their demon dog along with them?' 'I was becoming increasingly annoyed by his questions. 'Look I know just as much as you do,' I told him. 'Don't you converse with your neighbors back and forth?' 'What I don't do is keep an itinerary of my neighbors schedule.' He started yelling at the dog again. 'If you're going to yell at the dog do it from your own garden,' said my sister. 'His barking is the reason I haven't slept in two days. Doesn't its' bark bother you at night?' he asked me. I told him no and it was the truth. For the past couple of weeks I was sleeping in one of the bedrooms in the front of the house again where I couldn't hear the bark. Because I left the gate open the couple who live behind me entered into the picture and made a request to the retiree. To stop his yelling since it was disrupting their evening on the patio. 'I'm disrupting your evening? What about the damn dog?' he asked. 'He probably would have stopped if you hadn't gotten into a shouting match with him.' While pointing his finger at the wife he said, 'you're siding with the dog?!' 'Don't raise your voice or point your finger at my wife! said her husband very angrily, 'she was just making a point!' 'And what point would that be?'! he asked loudly. Now the neighbors were arguing each other. I stood on the patio watching and listening when four more people entered all of whom my sister knew, she taught their children. 'We rang your neighbors door and they're not answering. Are they not home?' asked one of them. Not this conversation again I thought to myself. This time my sister handled the questions. There were now seven people arguing over what to do with the hideous creature and just like that the seven people turned to fifteen people! If it wasn't for the fact we all live in an affluent neighborhood we all might have been considered guests on The Jerry Springer Show because of the way everyone was behaving. The majority of the guests who appear on Springer are usually two men fighting over the same woman in their trailer park. In my neighborhood fifteen people were arguing over the hideous creature's incessant barking. Holding the B-B-Q tongs my sister intervened and tried to calm everyone down. I didn't know what to do other than turn the hose on them all. Everyone was arguing with one another while the creature continued its' barking. And then she appeared, the poodle lady, the most disliked and odd woman in the neighborhood.

The poodle lady is head of the neighborhood watch group (poodle lady appointed herself that title). She received numerous calls from residents complaining about the loud yelling coming from my backyard and wanted to know what was going on. As she was being filled in, I'll fill you in on why she's so disliked. (I have my own personal reason for not liking her. If you recall back in the winter I blogged about writing a letter to the newspapers' editor voicing my opinion about the school's decision to ban the book The Golden Compass in the classrooms. I of course was against the banning. After reading my letter, the poodle lady wrote a letter to the editor stating I must be an atheist because I supported the book. She went around telling people in the neighborhood 'the girl who lives in the corner house is an atheist.')

She's called the poodle lady because whenever you see this woman she's always cradling her poodle dog and dressing it up in colorful outfits. The way she treats her poodle you'd think she gave birth to it. Anyways, about three years ago we had a problem on our street. Residents were complaining their garden gnomes were being stolen. My mom had several of them scattered throughout the garden hiding in between various shrubs and bushes. One day she noticed one was missing. She didn't think much of it and replaced the missing one by buying another one. The next day three gnomes went missing including the one she replaced and a favorite of hers she picked up in Miami. It was a gnome dressed in a floral shirt with matching shorts, wearing shades and holding a cocktail. We had heard from some of the other neighbors their gnomes had gone missing too. We reported the problem to the poodle lady since she was head of the neighborhood watch. She dismissed it and said the culprits were probably a bunch of prepubescents who had nothing else better to do and considered it a low level priority. No one could understand why someone would steal gnomes? It's not like they're valuable, the average cost is between $7 and $12. All of us just kept on replacing the missing gnomes with new ones but every few days it would get stolen. Then all the residents who kept gnomes in their garden received the exact same letter.

I still have the letter and have copied it word for word. If you haven't had a good laugh yet I'm sure reading this will do the trick.

"Gnome Slave Owner,
We deplore your treatment of gentle woodland creatures, and your total disregard for the basic principles of liberty.
Your moral bankruptcy is evidenced by your acts of wanton recklessness and the deliberate use of coercive force and terror tactics against gentle and innocent creatures.
It has come to our attention that a Gnome(s) is being held captive in your garden. We do not, as a rule, negotiate with terrorists, however, we request that he be released immediately.
We understand that you probably were not responsible for the innocent Gnome's original capture but rather purchased him from a Gnome slave trafficker like a garden center or craft show. Please understand that we are not holding you responsible for the state of Gnome slavery in Canada.
We are, however, asking you to put an end to your involvement. Do the responsible thing; free your Gnome today.
Although Canadian law currently permits you to keep a Gnome in slavery, we believe it to be morally reprehensible. We hope that upon honest reflection, you will agree.
Stop Oppressive Gardening. Free the Gnomes.
Thank you."

Are you laughing?

We all thought it was a joke. Some of the neighbors showed the letter to the poodle lady and again she refused to look at the problem as a high priority. It wasn't until one of the neighbors received the letter again and stapled to it was a photograph of them jogging with their dog and drawn in marker around the dog's neck was a noose. Since poodle lady wasn't handling the problem some of them decided to take matters into their own hands by going to the local police station. They were told by the police the theft wasn't just occurring in our neighborhood but all over town. Some towns have a rash of break ins, in my town garden gnomes were being stolen in the middle of the night. The police did a little digging and this is what they were able to find out. The people responsible for the thefts are part of a world-wide organization called the GARDEN GNOME LIBERATION FRONT GROUP (GGLF). And their mission: to attempt to rid the world of unjust imprisonment of gnomes. The GGLF were the ones who sent the letter. They have branches of the organization in almost every city world wide where their people, or as I prefer to call them lunatics, go around searching for gnomes held in captivity. Can you believe there are people who do this full time? I wonder what they tell people when asked what they do for a living? The GGLF have their own website urging people if they see a house with a gnome, to send the organization an email with the following information so they can carefully orchestrate their plan to free the gnomes:

1) Name and Address of Captor and if possible a photo of the house

2) Number and condition of Gnomes in Captivity

3) Obvious security like fences, alarms, dogs, etc.

"FreetheGnomes.com has specially trained caseworkers who will gladly work with you toward the goal of returning your Gnome to the northern woodlands from where he came. Please turn the matter over to us. Let the trained professionals at FreeTheGnomes.com intervene on the Gnome's behalf. Although we are non-violent we will take drastic action (which explains why they drew a noose around the dog's neck) if necessary to free the slaves. If we are successful at Liberating the Gnome you will be given full credit for the action and we will send you a commemorative FreeTheGnomes T-shirt."

I always thought the Peta organization and the over sensitive tree huggers were a nuisance but the GGLF are in a class by themselves. If ever there was a list of nut case organizations I'm pretty sure the gnome stealing freaks would be right at the very top. It's obvious these people are seriously disturbed and need psychiatric help. The police did a stake out for a couple of nights but the culprits were never found and the gnomes were never recovered. It was then we had our alarm system upgraded with security cameras. My mom bought a new set of gnomes and placed them in the backyard. She never did find the one she bought in Miami despite the numerous times we went back there. So all was fine and calm in the neighborhood until three months later. One very early morning poodle lady cradling her poodle banged on everyones' door and was acting all hysterical and no one could understand a word that was coming out of her mouth. People thought someone had been murdered. No one was murdered. Someone dug up and destroyed poodle lady's prize winning rose bush and placed it on her front doorstep. She called for an emergency neighborhood watch meeting. No one showed up. No one even cared and just slammed the door in her face. Six months later poodle lady tried to get the town to pass a law that would force all dog owners to dress their dogs up. On Mondays the dogs would be dressed in red, on Tuesdays it would be blue, Wednesdays purple, and well you get the picture. I heard from people she was laughed out of city hall. Then she tried to get people to sign her petition of having a separate sidewalk put in our area that would be used only by dogs and their owners. When city hall refused she actually went door to door seeking donations. Not a dime was given to her. So it was no surprise she sided with the dog. 'All your yelling is just making the poor thing upset. You're scaring it. Stop yelling.' The neighbors shifted their anger over to the poodle lady with someone even bringing up the gnome incident. 'That's ancient history! And what about my rose bush, have you forgotten about that?!' I didn't see any of you at the meeting!' she exclaimed. 'It was a low level priority, have you forgotten about that you old wind bag!' someone yelled back. And in the middle of it all was my sister waving the B-B-Q tongs in the air trying to get everyone to stop arguing. The chaos the hideous creature brought to my once serene neighborhood was unbelievable and of course the creature didn't take a break from barking. Then all of a sudden the backyard started to get really smoky. 'Oh God the B-B-Q!' someone exclaimed.
To Be Continued.....

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess