The Latest Update: The Hideous Creature With Four Legs & The Baby Switch Theory

Cocaine Princess here.

The cleaning lady came over yesterday. Each time she does she'll always bring something sweet like a dozen donuts from Tim Hortons. I lifted the lid a couple of times and saw six double chocolate glazed, two cinnamon-apple filled and four powdered jelly filled ones. I deeply inhaled and decided to sin as some of us sometimes do. I picked the double chocolate glaze and sat out on the patio while the cleaning lady performed her duties. I didn't want to be in the way nor did I want her thinking I was watching her. I was talking to Valentina who was commenting on my last post. (It was actually she who first had the thought 'A' might have been switched at birth) 'I'm still not convinced she's your sister. Somewhere in this world is a girl living an unfulfilled life, feeling so out of place and asking herself, why am I wearing sweats and hoodies when I should be wearing Chanel and Gucci?' 'Maybe not Chanel. I wasn't too impressed with their line this season or last,' I said. 'I asked daddy if there could have been a baby mix-up? He told me to look in one of the family albums. There's a picture of your mom lying in the hospital bed holding a newborn and surrounding them are your grandparents and my mom. Written underneath, Baby 'A' 7 hours old.' 'There's your proof,' I stated. 'That's not proof,' Valentina answered back. 'It's proof she gave birth to my sister.' 'The newborn your mom is holding is your sister but the baby she came home with isn't the one she gave birth too,' she said. I started to laugh. 'Don't laugh,' she remarked. 'Hospitals aren't perfect, they're known to make mistakes. How many times have you read stories or heard on the news about hospitals giving the wrong baby to the wrong mother?' 'It happens but not in my mom's case. She brought home the right baby.' 'How do you explain your total opposite personalities, you two are like night and day?' 'Many siblings have different personalities and interests, it doesn't mean one of them has been switched at birth,' I replied. 'The minute your sister began not enjoying going to parties or traveling or even wearing designer clothes should have been a red flag for your mom to get a DNA test.' Then I heard Valentina's daddy in the background, 'Valentina please stop with your baby switch theory. There was no mix-up.' 'Isn't there even a one percent chance 'A' might have been?' Valentina questioned. 'No.' he replied. 'How can you be so sure?' 'Because she was carefully being watched over in the maternity ward,' he answered..... 'Daddy's blowing you kisses,' she then said. I blew a couple of kisses into the phone. 'She kisses you back daddy'. 'I'm going to the office for a few hours. Will you behave yourself while I'm gone?' I heard him ask her. There was no reply on Valentina's end, not that I'm surprised. I could just picture her devilishly grinning and nodding yes. God definitely broke the mold when he created her. There is no one like her. 'Now does that put an end to your theory?' I asked. 'No. I have another theory,' she answered. This one is hysterical so get ready. One popular summer Valentina's mom and my mom both attended a famous music festival in New York. My sister was a year old and mom had her in a carrier. One of my favorite photos of our moms is where both of them are sitting on the grass waiting for one of the acts to hit the stage, and Valentina's mom is drawing a peace sign with lipstick on my sister's tummy while my mom is flashing the peace sign. Unfortunately there's only one copy of the photo and it sits on a table in Valentina's house. Valentina's mom picked out the frame and then placed the picture inside with her own hands. Valentina doesn't ever want to remove the picture from the frame because her mom's fingerprints are on the photo. She's never said anything but I know, which is why I've never had the heart to ask her to make me a copy. 'Maybe your mom took a little something back then? A lot of the hippies were tripping on acid during those days or eating 'magic' brownies, and if your sister was breast-fed maybe she secreted some of the stuff. Couldn't that be why 'A' is the way she is?' I laughed for several minutes. 'Okay maybe that's a little too far-fetched,' she said also laughing. 'But come on, you guys don't even look anything alike.' There is truth to that. When people realize 'A' and I are sisters they take another long look. 'A' has a very light and pale complexion with brown eyes while I have a tanned complexion and my eyes, well they're not brown. Even so, my sister wasn't switched at birth despite Valentina's theories which have been on going for years and most likely will continue.

Getting to the hideous creature. After I finished talking on the phone two little bodies kept on jumping up and down in the air. My next door neighbours who own the hideous creature bought their children a trampoline. 'Hi...'x'....can...you...come...over?...It's...fun!' one of them said. 'Maybe another time guys, okay?' I replied. I've always wanted to go on a trampoline because it does look like fun but I'm so scared of not coming back down like in those cartoons. After a couple of minutes the nanny came over with the two little boys. 'Did you see us?' one of them asked. 'Yes I did. You were jumping so high. Did you touch any clouds?' 'I did!' the other replied. 'And was it fluffy?' Only one responded by saying yes while the other ones' eyes were fixated on my donut. Pointing at it he asked, 'do you have any more?' 'I saved some just for you and your brother. Would you each like one?' I asked back. The boys looked at their nanny who gave her approval. I took them inside and parked them both at the kitchen table. While they were picking their donut I poured them a glass of milk and asked the cleaning lady who was dusting to watch them. I went back outside where the nanny asked me a question. 'Does our dogs' bark bother you?' Oh dear I thought to myself. 'I hardly hear its' bark.' I answered. Oh God I was lying like the poodle lady. I hope this doesn't mean I'm next in line to be the neighborhood busybody? 'Why?' I asked. 'Over the long weekend we took a day trip to the lake. The next day some of the neighbours came by complaining very badly about the dogs' barking, how it was driving them crazy at all hours. 'Really?' I said. I was feeling so uncomfortable with this conversation. 'So where is the adorable dog? Usually the boys are glued to him.' 'They (the parents) decided to send the dog away to obedience school. The kids became real upset about the dog having to leave so they bought the trampoline to keep them happy and busy,' the nanny explained.

The hideous creature with four legs is in obedience school. All I have to say, it's about damn time.

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess