MY OTHER BIG ERROR
'Are you aware if a speeding ticket has a fatal error your lawyer may motion to quash the ticket and in order for that to happen it would have to be presented properly to the Justice of the Peace by way of application or motion to the court?'
I looked around to make sure I was still in the courthouse cafeteria and not in a strange unfamiliar land. He was speaking English but I didn't understand a word he was saying. The lawyer caught on and asked, 'you don't understand a word I'm saying do you?'
Of course I understand. I go around everyday using terms like quash the ticket and motion the court.
I told him no- my other big error because next came not a speech. Good grief the man decided to explain what the words meant.
Where's a Fairy Godmother when you need one because I wanted to vanish (him vanishing would have been a lot better). I couldn't see any fairies fluttering around so instead I clicked my heels and quietly in my mind said,
'there's no place like home.
there's no place like home.
there's no place like home.'
It didn't work. It probably would have worked if I had used the word mall,
'there's no place like the mall.
there's no place like the mall.
there's no place like the mall.'
After he defined both terms in nauseating detail he started in on speech number, well to be honest I lost count what number this speech was. I couldn't stand it. I was tempted to hold my breath and pray I would pass out but the lawyer appeared to be the type of individual who couldn't take a hint, and would probably continue yakking on and on as I lay on the floor while someone tried to resuscitate me. I came up with another idea, play a song in my head to drown out his voice. When my radio went off that morning I had awoken to Christina Aguilera's newest single and it had been faintly playing all morning in my head. I decided to turn the volume up to the max.
The sheet lyrics complete with a large dot bouncing on top of each word was crystal clear in my head.
Step back gonna come at you fast
Driving out of control, I'm gettin ready to crash
Won't stop shakin up what I can
I serve it up in a shot, so suck it down like a man
So baby, yes I know what I am
And no I don't give a damn
And you'll be lovin it
Won't stop shakin up what I can
I serve it up in a shot, so suck it down like a man
So baby, yes I know what I am
And no I don't give a damn
And you'll be lovin it
By the chorus the ball disappeared and in its' place, I don't know why, a bottle of José Cuervo. To make believe I was actually paying attention to him I nodded my head every couple of seconds.
Midway through the second song his phone rang so he excused himself from the cafeteria table. I took a deep sigh of relief. 'You didn't hear a word he was saying,' said A. 'I did so,' I said back. 'Then repeat something he said.' 'Quash. I heard the word quash,' I replied.
A REASON TO SMILE
I wasn't looking forward to him coming back but upon his return he gave me a reason to smile. He had to leave.
'God bless whomever was on the other end of that call,' I cheerfully said. 'Maybe it was a criminal making his one phone call from the poky,' thought A. 'Then God bless the criminal. Oh my God what was he going on about and why?' 'He was just being helpful.' 'Helpful?' I asked. I put my hands on my temples. 'He gave me a throbbing headache.'
I've had my fair share of lackluster conversations but his was utterly mind numbing. Come to think of it, it wasn't really a conversation, a conversation is a talk between two people.
PETIT FOURS AND TRUFFLES
After finishing lunch my sister was interested in dessert. Back up I went to see what epicurean delights were awaiting. Not that I was shocked but I failed to locate any petit fours or white or dark truffles. I couldn't find anything with raspberry reduction sauce and there was certainly nothing that even remotely came close to Mrs.Grimbletorte's chocolate ganache cheesecake.
What did they have instead? Let's just say the courthouse cafeteria's lunch selection was far better. Packages of Oreos and Rice Krispie Squares, one lonely blueberry muffin among a tray full of cranberry and bran muffins and a coffee crumble cake which appeared a few days old. I went over to the freezer and pulled out an ice cream bar.
As my sister was having her something cold and chocolaty I was reading a magazine.
5 Minutes Later
'It's time,' said A. Because I was so engrossed in an article I responded by asking, 'time for what?' 'For you to meet your executioner. It's almost one,' she answered.
To be Continued......
XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
44 comments:
This guy is creepy. Does he look creepy? I think you should ask him if he knows what HIS fatal error was and when he gives you an astonished look, tell him that his first mistake was wearing that tie...then proceed to pick apart his entire outfit and use words from the fashion industry. ha ha
I would love a F/Godmother to vanish opposing counsel.
Peace Out Chickie.
'there's no place like BAL HARBOUR mall.
there's no place like BAL HARBOUR mall.
there's no place like the BAL HARBOUR mall.'
That definitely would have worked, Princess.
"a conversation is a talk between two people."
So true. Too oten lawyers especially just wait for the other person to stop talking, so they can continue saying whatever it is they think is important for you to know.
ugh I totally feel you.
Where I grew up on the East Coast if they so much as had the number of doors your car had wrong, the ticket was automatically overturned.
Apparently in the South they don't do that...because I am pretty sure my last speeding ticket had the color of my car wrong, and I still had to sit through court...
Princess your favorite show Corner Gas is ending this season I read. What's going to be your new favorite show when it goes off the air?
Princess maybe the Fairy Godmother was invisible and she's the one who made his phone ring?
I love Christina's new song/video but I like Britney better.
x,
dani
dang it girl! :)
ive just stumbled accross your blog- and I think our mind's are quite alike because you made me giggle prefusely!
hope you're good darling!!
Emma, 21, uk
Michelle at 8:59,
Your comments always, always make me laugh!
Anonymous at 9:40,
Why didn't I think of that!
newbie at 9:56,
30 Rock and My Name Is Earl.
dani at 10:03,
I too like Britney better.
Emma at 10:40,
Thank you for visiting. Yes I am good, thank you. Hope you are too.
Princess you named two shows. You can only have one favorite show.
You are too much! You had me laughing so hard... "There's no place like home... the mall" --
This is a long story!
And... you have *now* officially been tagged :)
I love cafeteria Rice Krispie Squares.
8:59, I can't speak for the other lawyers but I dress sharp.
9:32, Same here. I hate the smirk on some of their faces when they come walking in.
9:43, Spelling error, SFL.
newbie,
I'm sorry newbie. I didn't know your question came with rules.
newlywedcentral at 9:49,
I'll stop by your blog to see what I've been tagged with.
We all make spelling mistakes, no big deal.
1:10, Thank you for noticing.
I have every reason to smirk - I know ahead of time I will crush and destroy the other lawyers' case.
1:00, I read Men's Vogue to keep up to date with the trends.
1:40- Go stick your ego where the sun don't shine, sir.
1:45- I keep up with the trends by visiting Sears. I buy my off the rack suits and ties from there.
1:40- Yeah, whatever you say.
2:06- You'll get your money's worth if you shop at Target.
We love your blog Princess. Keep it up.
How's the weather up in Canada today, you feeling cold?
L.C.G.
2:06, You must be one of the hundreds of lawyers I've crushed and destroyed.
L.C.G. at 3:49,
Thank you.
Chilly and snowy.
Thanks for the sweet comment you left. I love your blog! I'm working my way through from the beginning....you're a wonderful writer!
3:51- I admire your modesty.
There's a marble cake at the courthouse c/teria that sits in cake dish. It looks and tastes like a block of cement. I tried it with a cup of joe and it improved the taste. It went from tasting like cement to styrofoam.
9:32, There is a Judge and a clerk in Broward County I wish would vanish.
1:40, Keep dreaming.
4:35, Trying having it with a cappuccino.
Just to review Princess you're never going to pay another traffic ticket, right?
Princess I heard a joke, since you live in Maple Leaf land you must of heard this one:
How do you know if you're a Canadian?
When you use your arm to scrape the ice off your windshield. HA!
3:29, The outlet mall is better. 3-FOR-1 suits and they even throw in the ties for FREE!
8:59- We're not all creepy looking and we don't go around picking up girls in the courthouse cafeteria. (We will if she is really cute)
Come to think of it, there is a creepy looking attorney at the Dade County Court who carries a battered briefcase and drives a Volvo.
8:22, You like making fun of people who live in Maple Leaf Land, eh?
I give you, "You Know You're Canadian if..."
1. You know Toronto is not a province
2. You get milk in plastic bags
3. You don't buy maple syrup at the airport
4. You go to Niagara Falls and sneer at how pathetic the American Falls are
5. You've plugged a car in overnight
6. You design your kid's Hallowe'en costume to fit over a snowsuit
7. Driving is better in the winter because then the potholes are filled with snow
8. You can play road hockey on skates
9. Your municipality buys a Zamboni before it buys a bus
10. Teenagers can legally drink
11. You measure distance in hours
12. You yell "Patio Weather!" when the temperature rises to 3C.
13. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them
14. Your neighbourhood Tim Horton's is the cause of your city’s traffic jams.
15. Your entire French vocabulary came off cereal boxes
16. You have a "good" parka for formal occasions
17. The trunk of your car has doubled as a deep freeze
18. You have more than $20 in Canadian Tire money
19. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car
20. You have more kilometres on your snow blower than your car
21. You know Air Canada is technically a private company, but it's subsidized by the federal government.
22. You tear up with pride when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada"
23. You know Hockey is the sport of passion and (if you're male) you know almost every Canadian player in the NHL and what team they play for. If you're over 40 you remember the 1972 series with Russia and how we won and probably remember what you were doing when it happened.
24. You also know baseball, basketball, and both American and Canadian football (which has 10 extra yards on the field; unfortunately, the CFL has been something of a disaster).
25. You know what curling is, and know at least one person who plays it.
26. You know In Québec, Formula One is more important. On the other hand (and unless you're under about 20), you don't care that much for soccer. Cricket is a mystery.
27. You have heard of ... and have some cherished memento of Bob and Doug McKenzie.
28. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
29. You know what a touque is and you own one and often wear it.
30. You know who Lloyd Robertson is
Canadian Bragging Rights
We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone, short-wave radios, and Superman.
The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.
We have the largest English-speaking population that never, ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
I forgot to mention, if I had a Fairy Godmother I'd wish she'd end the strike. I went from living with four guys in the dorm with a beautiful kegger in the living room, to back to my old bedroom at home which has been turned into my mom's sewing room. I sleep along side a sewing machine, notions and frou-frou fabric samples. Thanks for letting me now how much you missed you mom!
Your Son
AKA Future Kinesiologist
Medicated and Motivated at 4:27,
Thank you so much.
Anonymous at 7:36,
Right!
Anonymous at 8:22,
Yes I have heard that one.
classes are cancelled at York at 11:05,
Thank you for that hilarious list.
#12, I've done that, once or twice.
Everyone assumed the strike would have been over and classes would have resumed by last week. I'm sorry about your situation, despite it your humor is still in tact.
If there's one thing that really pisses me off its legal talk. Why can't lawyers just speak normally? Solicitor often leaves the room when he's taking a call from a client. He doesn't have to. I don't understand anything that he's taking about. xx
York, you should have gone to U Of T.
You missed a couple of other good ones:
You stand in "queues" and not "lines" or "line-ups"
You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".
You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette? I just spilled my poutine.
(For ya’ll Americans, Poutine: Fries, shredded Cheese, & Gravy)
You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
You're not sure if the leader of your nation has ever had sex and you don't want to know if he has!
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that".
(Ceremonial attire only)
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
(Children's TV host)
You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
(Children's TV puppets, 'Mr. Dressup')
You participated in "Participaction".
('Get Active' movement)
You know "Corner Gas" is not an actual gas station around the corner.
(Popular TV Show)
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color. (Humour)
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
('Gratis', 'Prix', 'Sans Sucre')
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada and
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rink-a-dink-a-dink" opus.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
If you're a male you never miss "Coaches Corner".
(With Don Cherry)
Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
You smile when people discover that calling you a 'Canuck' isn't an insult.
Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
Every murder is reported.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is pronounced “Zed” instead of “Zee”
Anonymous at 7:38,
Thank you, that also was funny.
'You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.'
I really must be a Canadian because I've done that so many times on this blog.
11:05
21- I knew that.
27- I do.
Princess I can't believe you posted that garbage list sent to you by 11:05 & 7:38. It's insulting and degrading to all Canadians.
7:38, U of T? Excuse me while I gag.
11:23, 'Frou-Frou'
-did you learn that word from your super smart prof?
I am an American who reads your blog. Who is Lloyd Robertson and what is the deal with Corner Gas?
Anonymous at 11:18,
It's all in good fun.
Anonymous at 11:46,
Lloyd Robertson is a broadcast journalist.
Corner Gas- the funniest comedy show ever!
11:18 I've never been one to back down from a challenge so I'll bite.
I attended the Open House at Western. I was surrounded by "Ken" and "Barbie" everywhere I looked. This is what I observed at the "country club" you perceive to think is a university
A bunch of pre-med and pre-law students who are so stuck up they need an appointment to scratch their damn heads. They drove around in beemers bought by
daddy as a way of saying congratulations for getting into university. (The fact daddy
made a sizable contribution to the establishment had nothing to do with it I'm sure)
And don't even get me started on the conversations I heard in passing.
"In six months I come into my trust fund"
"I'm going shopping. What should I buy? Porsche or Lamborghini"
"Me and the boys are going away for the weekend, skiing in San Moritz"
"I told my chauffeur I wanted a double-double mocha cappuccino and not a double mocha cappuccino. He is so fired!"
"But daddy you said I could use the jet this weekend."
Hey "Ken" rebuttal?
(No offense Princess to the above
conversations)
To the student living in his mother's sewing room,
U of W.
Ranked No. 1 University in Canada by Macleans 2005-2008.
By the time the York profs. reach a deal I'll have graduated, be living downtown in Forest Hill or Bridle Path where I'll hobnob with the Brofmans and the Thompsons. The only decision I'll ever have to make; do I take the Porsche or the Lamborghini to the office?
I hear Matt Sudins mansion is for sale. I think I'll call my real estate agent.
Veritas et utilitas.
Veritas et utilitas.
"Ken" at the "Country Club"
Is that all you have?
MacLeans? People buy that rag to line their pet's cages.
U Of T was ranked Canada's Number 1 University by Newsweek, Time and The Globe and Mail. We beat McGill and McMaster.
Famous Graduates (just to name a few)
6 former PMs
14 Supreme Court Judges
13 Lieutenant Governors
12 Premiers
I would list all the Medical geniuses but it would take a week.
No more University talk.
However,
7:59, I would chose Forest Hill over Bridal Path.
1:01, No offense taken
Post a Comment