The Exciting Conclusion: Poodle Lady & Truffle Pigs

Cocaine Princess here.

Let's Review Part 5:



PL: Must you disrupt our important meeting? Can't you say hello to everybody later?

Good God Almighty! You'd think I'd disrupted a meeting that was a matter of life and death. In case you've forgotten this very “important meeting” that I “disrupted” was whether or not the neighborhood needs a strip mall. Someone call Wolf Blitzer! I'm sure he'll love to report and analyze piece by piece on this very important meeting.

Feeling cheeky I replied:

ME: I'm only being hospitable, something you accused me of not being earlier, remember?

Looking at the parents I asked:

ME: Does everybody have enough to drink, anyone need more snacks?

Before I could get an answer Poodle Lady gave me a direct order while snapping her fingers.

PL: Hurry up and get it over with and then leave us alone so we can continue.

I had seriously just about had it with this woman. It was not enough she snapped her fingers at me but her pooch began to bark at me......

I now present to you the exciting conclusion:


Snapping her fingers at me? Telling me, a Princess, to hurry up. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk, both a definite and big fat no-no.


At that moment there wasn’t anything I wanted to say to her, there was however something I wanted to do. Oh if only I had a frying pan my lovelies. No not because I was going to cook something but so I could use it to smack her in the head with. You’ve all seen it done in cartoons right? And then all these cartoon birdies start tweeting and flying around the victim’s head. Yeah, I didn’t expect that to happen. Then I thought of something to say and I said it:

ME: And what if I don’t? What if I don’t hurry up, what are you going to do? Start a petition prohibiting me from attending meetings that take place in my very own home?

There was light laughter from some of the parents followed by some very loud coughs to cover up their laugh. And then it happened: the case of the giggles. {What can I say other than the frustration of having to hold in my tongue for so long came pouring out in the form of giggles} To make matters worse my giggles turned into laughter and here’s why: PL stood up and TOLD everyone, oops correction, PL stood up and DEMANDED {while pointing her finger} that we stop laughing.


PL: All of you should be ashamed! Your generation has no respect for their elders. Stop it now!

She looked ridiculous pointing her finger at everyone while having a dog strapped to her stomach.  My sister got up from her seat and escorted me into the kitchen by the hand and sat me down at the kitchen table where the 6 lambs were busy chowing down on food. I literally had tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. She looked at me with a furrowed brow. Uh-oh I thought to myself. Here it comes: lecture time.

A: You are not to say another word to her. Understand?

ME: Did you hear what she-

She cut me off by putting her finger over my lip:

A: I don’t want to hear it. You know better. Listen carefully: you are not to move from this table. You are to stay here.  Do you understand?

Unbelievable and let’s throw in a sheesh!! I couldn’t decide what was more humiliating: That fruitcake snapping her fingers at me or my sister talking down to me in the presence of children? I sat there in silence.

A: I asked you a question: Do you understand?

I nodded yes but wasn’t looking at her when I did. My eyes were staring at the floor.

A: Look me in the eyes and say it.

And so I did.

ME: Yes....I understand.

A: Good.

I was still in a cheeky mood:

ME: I have a question.

A: What is it?

ME: You said I can’t move from this table. What if I have to go to the bathroom?

I began to giggle again, so did some of the kids. My sister leaned in and said the dreaded “B” word before returning back to the others.

A: Behave.

PSD: Your sister’s bossy.

ME: I know.

BRITNEY: I like her. I was in her class last year.


FROGGIE: Boy that was quite a ruckus between you and Poodle Lady...... Do you have any ketchup? I would like it with my sandwich please.

As I went to get up “Britney” in a worried voice said:

BRITNEY: No, Miss A said you can’t move from this table.

ME: This is a special circumstance. She won’t mind.

When I retrieved the bottle I caught “A” looking at me. I showed her the bottle of ketchup and pointed to the table. I’m sure she got the picture.

After Froggie finished drowning his cheese sandwich in ketchup he suddenly remembered he had something for me. I helped him out of his chair where he ran over to where his mama was. He returned with a bag that was almost as big as him.

FROGGIE: Daddy went on another business trip and guess what he brought back?
 

My lovelies I present to you........TRUFFLE PIG.

The chocolate truffle bar came in the shape of a pig. You all know I have a particular liking for Godiva, well “Truffle Pig” are almost just as good as a Godiva Bar. I distributed the bars to my little friends who devoured them right before my eyes.

BACK TO THE MEETING:

I had one ear listening to the children chatter in excitement about Halloween while my other ear was listening in on the meeting. They were discussing the pros and cons of having a strip mall in the area. One of the attendees, a gentleman requested to see the petition. PL handed him a folder that she had brought with her. Inside was a list of all the names of the people who were against the construction of the mall. From his blazer he took out a pen.

PL: What are you doing? Your name is already on there.

MAN: I’ve changed my mind. I'm removing my name from the list.


Before he had a chance to PL jumped up from the couch and ripped the petition out of his bare hands. Her actions left everyone in shock. All I can say is for an elderly woman she has damn good reflexes.

PL: There is no changing your mind. That is not allowed!

The gentleman in a very calm voice explained to her after listening and hearing what some of the others had to say, he began to see things in a different light. He no longer saw the mall as a negative but a positive impact on the neighborhood.

PL: You signed your name on here. It’s FINAL!

MAN: The petition isn’t set in stone. If you refuse to let me remove my own name I’ll go down to City Hall and tell them all personally there should be one less name on the petition. Mine.

PL: How much did they pay you?

MAN: I beg your pardon?

PL: How much did City Hall pay you to remove your name?

MAN: I assure you mamn nobody paid me a cent. As I explained, I–

PL: I heard you the first time! There’s nothing wrong with my hearing! Do you see a hearing aid anywhere on me?!

The poor guy turned red like a tomato but kept his cool.

MAN: No and I don’t recall making any mention of your hearing.

PL: I’m on to you. Who else here wants to remove their name? Come on, speak up!

Britney turned to me and asked:


BRITNEY: How come she's shouting?

The PSD eating a mini pizza answered before I had a chance too. 

PSD: Because she’s screwy that's why.

ME: Shh.

I quietly explained to him that it wasn't nice to speak like that about someone but I think it's fair to say he was accurate. What other word is there that can best describe this person who was causing a crazy commotion? There was dead silence among the adults. Each one of them had this look on their face that indicated they were all thinking the same thing: The woman is a frigging fruit loop. PL pointed to a couple whose name was on the list: Baby Jaws’ mommy and daddy.

PL: Are you going to try to remove your names? I won’t let you.

BABY JAWS MAMA: We’re dead set against the mall. The trees, the forest need saving.

The petition queen her own thoughts about that:

PL: They can chop down all the trees in the forest for all I care. The leaves make a mess all over on my lawn, my driveway. Get rid of them I say.

BABY JAWS DADDY: Invest in a leaf-blower.

PL: They make too much noise.


FROGGIE’S MAMA: I for one am for the mall. Instead of driving into town we have the convenience of having our own mall within walking distance.

The rest of the parents sided with her.

PL: I see what’s going on. This is not a meeting. This is a conspiracy! City Hall arranged for this meeting so you all could convince me to change my mind.

{Looking at Baby Jaws parents}

They planted you two here to make it look convincing.  "The trees, the forest need saving." You were paid to say that.

Next she looked at my sister.

PL: Who paid for these baked goods?

A: I did.

PL: Liar. City Hall paid. Did they think they could get me to change my mind by winning me over with food?

I was waiting for my sister to escort PL into the kitchen and give her a lecture. The adults tried their best to reason with PL and tried reassuring her there was no “conspiracy.” She kept thinking otherwise. Her verbal rant continued by taking a shot at me. Hey, it was only a matter of time.

PL: What about you Miss Mouthy? Are you apart of the conspiracy?!

Miss Mouthy? I went from being called an atheist to Miss Mouthy in one day. Hmm, I’m not sure if it was step up or a step down. I hadn’t said a word to her since I had been banished to the kitchen. Oh man I was right near where my sister kept the frying pan. Oh boy was it ever tempting. I had made a promise to “A” not speak to her so it was one of those moments where I had to mentally put my fingers in my ears. I quietly asked the children if their tummies were filled up enough or not. PL kept repeating her question but I wasn't responding. When I ignored her 3x in a row she had this to say to my sister:

PL: Why isn’t she answering me? Something wrong with her hearing? Maybe she’s in need of a hearing aid.

{Looking at the parents}

PL: What did they {City Hall} offer you all? A reduction on your property taxes? Did City Hall tell you to get your hands on my petition so you can destroy it? Here!

She crumpled up the petition papers into little balls and threw them on the carpet.

PL: Take it! I have the master copy at home! That's where I'm going, home!

Nobody knew what to say or even what to do. Before leaving she picked up the plate of croissants from the coffee table.

PL: My tax dollars paid for these. I’m taking them with me.

Seriously, I think it’s time for the men in white coats to swing by and pick PL up and drive her someplace far, far away......like an institution.

A: I’m going to have to ask you not to take the plate with you, please.

The plate belonged to my grandma and was a part of her China collection that she passed down to my mom. I have no idea why my sister felt the need to break out the best China for the geriatric loon.

PL: What am I suppose to do? Carry the croissants in my bare hands? Is that what you want me to do?

A: I’ll get you a container.

PL: Look for a big one. I want some of those biscuits too you made.

My sister grabbed a plastic container from one of the cupboards. I looked over at the parents. They were shaking their heads and muttering something in a very low voice. I couldn't quite make out what they were saying.

UPDATE:

This whole drama took place before Halloween. I wrote in Part 1 it was pointless of Poodle Lady to start a petition because City Hall from the start was in favor to have the mall and City Hall always gets their way.

A large chunk of the forest is gone. It’s looks kind of strange to see all this land not covered by trees anymore. Construction is due to start in the New Year.

**** 

On Wednesday our region got hit with a massive snow storm. 20cm of the white stuff fell hard. Yesterday morning we received 15cm more.

The first day of winter isn't until December 21st. Mother Nature is a cruel, cruel woman.


On Monday we received a mini magazine in the mail from the LCBO. Inside were the LCBO’s “25 Top Drinks For The Holidays” with recipes inside. Yesterday was a snow day because of the storm and so schools were canceled. My sister made herself a little drinkie from one of the recipes and tried again to tempt me. I am happy to say she was unsuccessful. She made herself a:

"Holiday Cheer"

1 oz. Vodka
½ oz. Raspberry Liqueur
2 oz. Cranberry Juice
1/8 lemon
Twig of Red Currants

In a cocktail shaker filled with ice, add Vodka, raspberry liqueur, cranberry juice and lemon. Shake and strain into a martini glass over ice. Garnish with a red currant twig.

I was very comfortable drinking a hot chocolate with the the big fat marshmallows floating on top.....and a smidgen of whip creme.

****

My loyal and dear readers it’s finally Friday.
Whatever your plans are have a thrilling weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess