Monday, April 19, 2010

A Drop Of Vodka In The Ear

 Cocaine Princess here.

Hello my lovelies. I missed my Friday entry and it was a really good one too: “6 Un-Identified Silver Cans.” I’ll post that one shortly.

Not only did I miss putting up my entry but I missed also my weekly mani/pedi appointment. I heard the salon was sick with worry at my absence.

I have a very good excuse for not posting on Friday. I was ill. Read on:

Sunday April 18th 

Sunday afternoon I sneezed. This was not an ordinary sneeze. It was extraordinary, in fact it was so extraordinary that even Sneezy from Snow White and The 7 Dwarfs would be proud. So why I am babbling on about a sneeze? Let’s rewind back to last Sunday
April 11th where it all began:

I woke up feeling so-so. I was a little under the weather and to be on the safe side I took a Dayquil. Monday morning arrived and I went from feeling so-so to terrible. My head felt like it was in a vice grip, my sinuses felt like a ton of bricks were lying on top, my throat felt like it was on fire and my stomach was doing flip flops. On Tuesday things went from terrible to dreadful. My ears were in massive pain. How massive you ask? Let’s just say I was convinced that skirt-chasing drummer from “The Muppets” had set up his awesome drum set in both of my ears and was banging on them like there was no tomorrow. I could hardly hear a thing except for a painful drumming sound so in order for me to hear anything a person would have to speak in their shouting voice, which really didn’t do much for my headache. I was in flu hell! I have been sick more times this year than any other year. I kept popping Tylenol every 4hrs hoping it would target and rid the pain just like their ads claim. You know what? The Tylenol company lies. It was time to seek professional medical attention. My sister put in a call to the doctor. That same day my housekeeper {HK} came by. She comes by 1-2x a week and is a very kind lady from the Philippines who hums a great deal as she cooks and cleans. She refers to me always as Missy and my sister, Missy Senior. Being fully aware of the condition I was in she said in a very loud voice: “Missy, no doctor! I help you!” At that particular moment I was curled up on the couch under the blanket and in excruciating pain. My housekeeper sat down beside me with a plate and on top was a clove of garlic. Hmm....2 immediate things came to mind:

I knew she was de-boning a chicken so perhaps she wanted to know if I wanted her to add some garlic?


She was going to make chicken with garlic and somehow me eating that would cure my ear ache? I wasn't really in the mood to eat.

Good grief I was way off target. She explained. HK was planning on piercing a piece of garlic and then dropping the juice into my ear canal. It was one of those home remedies and I would just like to say EWW! Without any hesitation I declined. She got up, returned to the kitchen and came back with a frying pan that had an onion in it. I looked at her and thought, what are you planning on doing? Frying an onion and then sticking it in my ear? This time I almost hit the bulls-eye. She was planning on chopping and frying the onion. After the onion had cooled down she was going to drain it through a cheesecloth and when the onion liquid had cooled, pour it into my ear. If I said no to the garlic juice what percentage of a chance did she think I would say yes to the onion juice? I was beginning to wonder if maybe she had gotten high from the cooking fumes but she hadn’t even started cooking yet. Again, I declined and this time when I did I let out a tiny cough.

“I have cure for cough Missy!”

 Oh really? You have a cough remedy. Whatever could it be? Drink a glass of liver juice? I wasn’t keen on knowing what it was so I didn’t bother asking. I closed my eyes and patiently waited for the doctor while the loud drumming in my ears continued at full blast.

You know how sometimes you can feel someone is nearby even though your eyes are closed? Well with my eyes closed I could sense someone was near me. Oh, I was so wishing it would be Johnny Depp with a bouquet of orchids for me but I knew it was you know who and was wondering what stinky veggie she had brought by now. My lovelies there was no stinky veggie. HK was holding a bottle of Vodka she had gotten from our bar down in the rec room. I kid you not. I have to admit I was curious in knowing what home made cure for an ear ache involved a bottle of Russian Standard, or, was she just planning on getting me drunk so I would pass out and then she could make her move and pour both smelly juices down my ear? So I asked and was I ever sorry I did.

“Vodka, old remedy! One drop in ear and no more pain!”

From her apron pocket she pulled out a dropper.

“I put one drop in! It will burn a little but pain in ear will go away!”

It will burn a little? Not exactly a great selling point!

I put my hands over my precious ears and told her how much I appreciated her concern but would rather wait to hear what the doctor had to say. Removing my hands from my ears she said:

“Missy please believe me, it work for my children it will work for you! No more ear ache! Please try, okay?!”

No it’s not okay. Sheesh! I’ve heard of some pretty far out home remedies however a drop of vodka in the ear to rid an ear ache was a bit too much, at least I thought so. It’s not that I don’t believe in home remedies, for example: last summer I was stung by an evil little bee. His stinger got me right in the toe resulting in my entire foot swelling up. I kept applying "Insect Bite" creme to my foot hoping the swelling would go down. HK scoffed and voiced her opinion, “that stuff not gonna work. Vinegar better.” She soaked a towel in vinegar and then wrapped my foot in it. After about an hour the puffiness decreased as did the redness and pain. I do believe there is some truth in home remedies but at the same time I also believe doctors were put on this earth for a reason too. I got up and informed her I was going up into my bedroom to lye down and pray Doc-Boy would ring the bell within the next 5 minutes. Before actually making my way up I stepped into the kitchen for a sip of water with my vodka-pushing housekeeper following me like she was my own shadow. It’s bad enough having a sibling who constantly urges me to have a drinkie at night but now another person too? Although unlike “A” she wasn’t really shoving alcohol down my throat as she was trying to shove it into my ear canal. I went back to the family room, grabbed the blanket and proceeded into the foyer. If I had the strength to run I honestly probably would have but all I could do was take tiny steps and HK was slowly creeping behind me. She was like a panther waiting to pounce on its’ prey and I was her prey! Seriously what was it going to take for her to get the message? It was approaching 5pm and my sister arrived home from work. Hallelujah I thought. She’s known as the voice of reason so I was hoping she could talk some sense into HK. She had a stack of folders in her hands with construction paper hanging out from each of them. Putting the folders down on the floor along with her work bag and after removing and hanging up her coat she looked at the both of us and in a suspicious tone asked:

“Alright, what is going on here?!” 

Pointing at HK I replied:

“I don’t want the vodka.”

Sister looked at HK and the bottle she was holding.

“I don’t think she’s in any condition to drink!”

“No Missy Senior! No drink! I put vodka in her ear!”

Unlike me my sister knew precisely what she was talking about. 

“It’s an old curative darling! Some say a drop of vodka in the ear can soothe an ear ache!”

Okay it was official. I was the only one in the room who wasn’t schooled in Vodka 101.

“See, Missy Senior knows too! Come, let me help you! ”

As she began to approach me I hid behind “A” like a frightened little child.

“If she comes near me she’s on the next flight back to the Philippines.”

You don’t have to say it my lovelies because as soon as I said it I knew it was a very mean thing for me to say. Of course I didn’t mean a word of it. Blame my illness. If you recall I was in flu hell and feeling cranky so really it was the flu talking and not me. My sister turned around and oh boy she had that look, the furrowed eyebrow look. Trust me that’s never a good thing.

“Child, she’s just trying to help!”

All that came out of my mouth was pretty much, “I....I...” There was really no excuse on my end.

“Missy why you say that to me?! You don’t like me?!”

“Of course I like you. We both do.”

With a sad look on her face she said,

“Then why you say that?! Missy gonna send me back!”

Before I had a chance to answer sister spoke:

“Nobody is sending you back!”

“But Missy says she’s going too!”

Again, looking at me with those furrowed eyebrows:

“Look what you've done child! Are you happy?!”

I can honestly say I was not happy. I felt lousy and wanted to crawl under a rock. 

Once more all that came out of my mouth was just a bunch of:


“I like you Missy and Missy Senior! You just like my family! Please let me stay! Please!”

Oh my God I was already feeling ill but hearing her say that made me feel even 10x more ill.

Because of what I had said, I couldn't believe what I had done: My sister, who was angry at me for uttering the words that I did to HK was trying to calm her down because she was all in a panic believing she actually would be boarding a flight back home and then there was me, the Princess with the flu trying to apologize to both of them AND if that wasn't enough all 3 of us were shouting at the top of our lungs! God knows why I was shouting since neither HK and “A” had trouble with their hearing. It was quite a sight. Had there been an outsider watching they would think they were not in a home but in a mental ward. Everyone was shouting and yes it was all my fault. Go ahead, point the finger at me.

To Be Continued.

Cocaine Princess


Anonymous said...

The vodka remedy is pretty common. What works for earaches also-- white vinegar. It stings.

Anonymous said...

lemon juice is just as effective as onion juice when treating an ear infection.

Anonymous said...

Your housekeeper knows what she is talking about-- many fruits and vegetable have excellent healing properties. Good post.

Heff said...

I haven't had an ear ache in YEARS, and I don't miss them.

Slyde said...

wow. Now THATS a remedy i have never heard of...