The Vow Renewal Ceremony Part 2: And Speak Of The Devil

Cocaine Princess here.

To review:

Figuring it was from sister I looked down on my lap where I had placed my phone. It wasn’t from sister. It was from Valentina who texted the following message to me:

“5 years–— WOW, I didn’t know Barbie could count that high.”


Part 2:

I turned my head and gestured as best I could with my eyes and face that she stop with the messages. I realize I had the option of turning my phone off but not wanting to miss another message from sister I kept it on and because I did the messages kept on coming.

TOPLESS BARBIE: Chica, who keeps sending you messages? 

ME: Someone managed to get a hold of my email and now they keep spamming me with their annoying messages.

VALENTINA: You may want to read some of them first, you never know-- it might be important.

TOPLESS BARBIE: She’s right. One time I was waiting for a very important message. I waited 2 days and all the time it was in my spam folder. It happens you know. I didn’t know emails had spam. I thought it was something you ate.

Okay, so she’s not exactly the brightest bulb in the box.

TOPLESS BARBIE: How do you like my new bracelet? Muy bonita, si?

And did I mention she can go from one topic to the next in under 5 seconds flat? Another text from Valentina arrived:

TEXT: “Big deal! I have a jewelery box full of bracelets!”

I looked at Valentina who rolled her eyes and then looked at Barbie. Her eyes had become completely transfixed on her new trinket.

TEXT: “She looks like a cat fascinated by a string of yarn.”

I turned to her and mouthed “STOP IT” and rather than oblige she meowed.

TOPLESS BARBIE: What was that? It sounded like a cat.

She looked to the left and then to her right. Out aestheticians who were in the process of trimming our toe nails looked at one another with one of those raised eyebrow looks. Barbie questioned whether or not they heard a “meow” and they said no.

TOPLESS BARBIE: Maybe it was my imagination?

VALENTINA: Yes, that’s what it was– your imagination.

TOPLESS BARBIE: That’s never happened before. I’ve never imagined hearing a cat but
I had a dream about birds once. Lots of pretty parrots.

TEXT: “I’m about to wet myself.”

As serious as that problem was I had a much bigger one. I was one giggle away from going into “G.O.M.”Giggle Overdrive Mode. The Panamanian's wife is a sweet girl but perhaps my best friend was right when she described her as being "not all there." In situations like this I find it’s best I focus my attention elsewhere but Barbie would not stop talking. I had no choice except to bite down on the corner of my lip to prevent any type of laughter from escaping.

As she continued talking {if that’s what you can call it} her phone rang again. God bless whoever was on the other end because my lip was in immense pain. Valentina leaned over and in a low quiet voice said:

VALENTINA: Do me a favor-- tap Barbie on the side of her head and ask: “Hello, is anyone in there?”

ME: Come on she’s not as bad as you’re making her out to be.

VALENTINA: Are you kidding me--- spam? Parrots? She’s like a hamster in one of those caged wheels. Her conversations keep spinning but they go nowhere.

ME: Why did you have to meow?

VALENTINA: I thought the conversation needed some livening up.

ME: Huh?

VALENTINA: Look, I need to tell you something and it’s about whose name shall not be mentioned.

ME: Absolutely not.

VALENTINA: Whether you like it or not I have to tell you.

I would have gotten up and left but after my toenails had been neatly trimmed, my aesthetician poured warm lotion all over my legs and feet and began an incredible massage. I questioned whether what she had to tell me was a matter of life and death and just as I suspected, it wasn’t. She kept on insisting she didn’t want me to get “blindsided.”

VALENTINA: Okay, fine but don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.

I closed my eyes and returned back to my previous state of bliss which lasted for a good minute. My mind wouldn’t let go of what she said: blindsided.
 
ME: What did you mean when you didn’t want me to get blindsided? Blindsided by what?

You know the phrase “And speak of the devil?” It would be appropriate to insert it at that moment because a young woman walked in seconds after I asked prompting Valentina to say:

VALENTINA: By her.

The woman, who I’d never seen before was heading straight towards us.

ME: Who is she?

VALENTINA: Topless Barbie’s best friend. I call her Flaky Barbie. She’s the maid of honor and....

ME: And what?

VALENTINA: Senor Bling’s girlfriend, you know the one who was asking questions about you.

To be continued. 

*** 

As we enter the last weekend of February our region is preparing for what meteorologists are calling: “Snowmageddon.” We’ve been experiencing good mild weather these last few days and now all of a sudden Old Man Winter decides to re~appear. {I wish that old dude would disappear.} Current time: it's a little after midnight, snowfall is expected to arrive around 4am.

My loyal and dear readers, it’s finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a sweet weekend. ~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess