The Idiot Wedding Planner: I Think I Swallowed A Bug

Cocaine Princess here.

I realized I hadn’t posted the next installment of “The Idiot Wedding Planner” since June. I was sidelined posting other topics. I know you must be sitting on the edge of your seats waiting and I do apologize. To review the last part click on the above highlight.

The timing of her nuptials couldn’t have come at a worst time and I do mean that literally. Don’t get me wrong, a destination wedding in the tropics is a beautiful thing but only if it’s on the beach so you can feel that cool breeze come off from the ocean. A destination wedding in the tropics in the middle of the afternoon when the sun is at its hottest in the garden is never a good idea......unless it’s at a nude resort.  At least you’d be able to stay cool in your birthday suit.

VALENTINA: I'd like to kill the idiot wedding planner. Who plans an outdoor wedding in the tropics in the afternoon? No one because it's too hot!

It would have been ideal had the wedding been indoors or underneath a tent with portable a/c. Picture if you will standing in front of a fireplace and feeling the hot flames. There wasn't even a breeze that day. You ever see one of those films where some poor soul is lost and wondering in the dessert in search for water? This accurately describes the 30 people who were invited. I looked around and most guests were wiping their heads with the back of their hand every 3 seconds or fanning themselves with the wedding programme. Sweat was dripping down my legs and the sunblock I was wearing that had glitter mixed in began to smudge and smear. I took comfort I was wearing waterproof mascara otherwise I’d have black streaks running down my face. I had sweat beads on my upper lip. My hair was in loose curls and had become moist-- my back was drenched in sweat at that point. I put my hair up which didn’t solve the problem seeing how the sun rays were aggressively beating down on my back hard. It was a no~win situation either way.

VALENTINA: At first I thought Topless Barbie was trying to blind us with her white color scheme but now I’m convinced she’s trying to kill her guests. I can see the headline now: “Death By Heat.”

The wedding ceremony or perhaps a better choice of word “sweat-fest” was scheduled for 3pm. Guests began making their way to their seats. 15 chairs on one side and 15 on the other. There was no bride or groom side. Valentina and I sat on the left side in the third row. As each guest went to sit down they would get back up again– the padded chairs felt like a hot plate. A male guest who was sitting in front of the two of us–  his shirt was completely soaked through you could see his flesh. The shirt clung to his skin. As he wiped the back of his neck the flecks of his sweat landed on Valentina’s cheek. “Kill me now” she muttered. They say every cloud has a silver lining and although I was beyond uncomfortable I was thankful that everyone's deodorant was working properly because can you imagine how awful the stench would have been? Forget the heat killing us! Bad B.O. would have done the trick! Valentina directed my attention to the guest sitting in the next row over. She whispered.

VALENTINA: Your ex is here.

ME: I could care less.

VALENTINA: I caught him looking at you.  

Just as I was about to give her a warning that if she mentioned “whose name shall not be mentioned” one more time I would get up from my seat and sit elsewhere,  the wedding planner entered. She was wearing a headset and with a tablet in her hand she was running around like a chicken with its head cut off.  The groom made his entrance. Keeping with the white theme he wore a white suit with a grey metallic colored shirt. His son, Gilligan dressed in white linen pants and shirt stood as the best man. If you’ve been a loyal follower than you know I’ve blogged about Topless Barbie’s hubby aka “The Panamanian” or as my best friend prefers to call him, “The Fat Short Balding Panamanian.” As her nickname for him indicates the groom isn’t a very tall individual. The portly man stands at 5'5 and Topless Barbie is 5'9. He pulled out his hanky and began to blot the top of his shiny follicle challenged head. To say he was sweating buckets would be an understatement. As usual Valentina appeared to be in disgust at the sight at of him.

VALENTINA: Stick an apple in his mouth and this could turn into luau.

To one side was a harpist. Upon the wedding planner's cue she began playing soft music. It was actually nice. Very ethereal sounding. First to walk down the aisle was the bridesmaid, Flaky Barbie. She wore a skin hugging white mini dress accented with a shiny belt. Her skin was the color of orange from a result of over doing it with the self tanner and her hair was one shade lighter from a day before. It was now bleach blonde and looked very unhealthy from over being over processed.  It resembled straw.

VALENTINA: Doesn’t she look like a scarecrow with that hair? 

I would be lying if I wasn’t thinking the exact same thing. As the maid of honor made her way to the front she stopped for a brief moment to blow "whose name shall not be mentioned" a kiss and then of all things she waved at him. Valentina rolled her eyes.   

VALENTINA: Could she be any more brain dead?  

I didn't think it was possible but it was getting hotter by the second. I was uncomfortable, sweaty and thirsty.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  
ME: My tongue feels like a dry towel.

VALENTINA: Uh-oh.....

I looked at her. She had one hand placed over her mouth. 

ME: What’s wrong?

VALENTINA: I think I swallowed a bug.

To Be Continued.

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So my Lovelies, have you heard about the wild party that occurred in Vegas involving Prince Harry? It all started last week when Prince Harry took a trip to Sin City with a few of his pals, including film maker Arthur Landon, son of arms dealer Brig Tim Landon.  Last Friday Harry and his amigos made friends with a "bunch of hot chicks" down by the pool. Harry invited them all back to his VIP Suite at the Wynn. The Prince who is 3rd in line to the Royal Throne stripped to his birthday suit during a boozy game of “strip billiards.” One of the guests snapped a photo of the Ginger Royal clutching his crown jewels. In another photo naked Harry hugs a naked girl from behind while clutching a pool cue. Two days ago TMZ ran the photos after they were sold for close to £10,000.  The pictures set off a media firestorm and made the front page of every paper world~wide, and not to mention it created a headache for Buckingham Palace. You can see the pics here. 
Here are my thoughts: The Prince was in his own private suite and apparently having one hell of a good time. He was doing nothing immoral or wrong. {Given his status perhaps he should have been a little more cautious on who he invited back to his suite to party} Shame on the slime ball who sold the pictures to TMZ! What a gross and despicable invasion of privacy and it seems others share my views: Sir Richard Branson took to twitter and tweeted: @richardbranson  "Shock horror, single man naked in own hotel room with woman. What on earth has this got to do with anybody else? Leave Prince Harry alone." Piers Morgan: "Today's 'Gutless Little Twerp' was the person who took & sold, those naked photos of Prince Harry. Tweet me future GLT suggestions." Prince Charles’s spokesman said it would be “prurient” and an invasion of privacy to publish the photos of Harry and an unidentified woman playing “strip billiards” in his hotel suite. The blame is now being placed to his security detail who should have confiscated the phones before the "hot chicks" entered the room. According to reports his security team "were asleep at the wheel, enjoying the party more than protecting the Prince from himself.” Another epic fail from a security detail team. Hmm, why does this sound so familiar? Oh yeah, now I remember.

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My loyal and dear readers, it's finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a safe weekend. ~x

XOXOXOXO,

Cocaine Princess