The Idiot Wedding Planner: Chug, Chug, Chug!

 

Cocaine Princess here.

To Review:

VALENTINA: Oh, wow.

At first I thought it was a combination of being dehydrated and hot but the answer was no– No I wasn’t hallucinating.

ME: Now that’s how you make an entrance....


VALENTINA: Mystery solved why wanted us to all wear white.

The bride wore a pink wedding dress and most definitely stood out. Some may gasp at the thought of a bride wearing something other than white or choosing a white dress for her bridesmaid(s) but the wedding of Kate Middleton proved that it's okay to wear white-- remember what Pippa wore? I liked what Topless Barbie had done and truly I don't see what the big deal is unless you're one of those who likes to stick to traditional bridal fashion rules. Besides, it's not like she's the first bride in the world to wear pink. Gwen Stefani of No Doubt wore a pink and white silk faille gown designed by disgraced designer John Galliano when she wed Gavin Rossdale. Topless Barbie's dress was a ballgown style complete with ostrich feathers that covered the entire bottom part that had been dyed pink. If I didn't know any better I'd think she had a portable a/c underneath her dress. Unlike the rest of us she didn't break a sweat. Valentina kept joking how the shiny details on my dress kept bouncing off of The Panamanian's balding head and then said:

VALENTINA: The Panamanian's stylist should have put lifts in his shoes.

Topless Barbie's hair was styled in a high bun which made her look even more taller.
Most couples at the altar hold hands and gaze romantically into each others' eyes, not so much the case with this wedding. She was looking down at him and he was looking up at her.

VALENTINA: Forget the lifts, what he needs is a ladder.

I was too exhausted from the heat to let out a giggle. Even my sweat had sweat. I had run out of blotting sheets and was now relying on my compact powder puff to drench up the sweat beads There was a Justice of The Peace {JOP} dressed also in white-- I guess the memo of the dress code extended to him too. The pool/bar area was within eye distance. We were so close you could smell the chlorine. It would have been so easy to slip out of the ceremony and do one of the 2 following: get a drinkie or jump into the pool. Sure, I would have been soaking wet but given how much I was sweating I'm not sure anyone would have been able to tell the difference.

ME: Why couldn't they put out any refreshments?

Again, the fault lay with the wedding planner. The JOP began the ceremony reciting a passage from Corinthians 13. "How original," my bestie muttered sarcastically under her breath and then directed my attention to Flakey Barbie. She stood there smiling in the direction of her guests. It became clear not only did she need guidance on where to stand but also where to look. The way she smiled made her look really weird.

VALENTINA: She looks like a mental patient.
 
It soon became damn near impossible to hear anything on account of an airplane flying above. Shortly after that another airplane with a banner advertising a local club with the words "Ladies Drink Free" kept flying back and forth AND if that wasn't bad enough-- back at the pool area some kind of drinking game had started. There was shouting, cheering, hollering and the words "Chug, Chug, Chug!" were being repeated over and over again. Although this was my first vow renewal ceremony it was also one of the worst, disorganized events I've ever been too. I was beginning to share Valentina's feelings of wanting to kill the wedding planner. When the JOP had finished reciting his passage I assumed he'd get directly to the vow portion of the wedding but instead the speeches began. Gilligan proceeded first. He was given a microphone by the clueless wedding planner who didn't have the common sense to provide one for the JOP. While Gilligan spoke about how much he loved his father and reminisced down memory lane, Flakey Barbie kept signalling with her hands for her date to snap a picture. As for myself, I couldn't take it {the heat} anymore. I whispered to Valentina that if I didn't take a drink within the next 5 seconds I would pass out.

VALENTINA: I'm right behind you. Let's go

We left the area very quietly....

To Be Continued....

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My loyal and dear readers, it's finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a superb weekend. ~x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess