Friday, June 21, 2013

For The Third Damn Time!

Cocaine Princess here.

Lately I have to wonder what is happening to society where it isn't even safe to go to the mall. You're probably wondering why I decided to blog about a topic so deep and serious especially on a Friday. Trust me, I have a good reason.  

I have been the victim of a heinous crime. Excuse me as I try to compose myself. These past few days have been really rough on me but as they say, one day at a time. The crime? Oh God this is so hard for me to talk about. Deep breaths. Okay here goes. Some low-down individual stole my umbrella. Yes, you read that correctly. The Princess’ umbrella was stolen for the third damn time! 

Incident #1
I was at a restaurant and left my coat and umbrella at coat check. When it came time to leave, my coat was returned but I can’t say the same for my umbrella. According to the clerk it couldn’t be found. It was checked-in alongside my coat. If my coat was returned, why wasn’t my umbrella? A better question, what happened to it? It couldn’t have just got up and walked away, right? The clerk said he looked everywhere and after apologizing he suggested to call back in a few days to their lost and found department. It may turn up, he said. It may turn up? What does that mean? Did my umbrella go out for lunch and while on its way back to coat check it happened to get lost? I decided not to wait a few days and called the next day where I was told by the management, “I’m terribly sorry but you’ve been misinformed. We don’t have a lost and found department.”

Incident #2
I was in the mall food court. All I can say is nothing good comes from eating in those places and under normal circumstances I would have selected one of the fine restaurants to dine in but I was having a severe craving for a slice of cheesy pizza. I placed my umbrella on the empty seat next to me. After I finished eating, I got up from my seat to dispose of the garbage which consisted of a paper plate, a napkin and a empty can of Diet Dr. Pepper and when I returned to my seat, no umbrella. Mr. London Fog had disappeared.  

Incident #3
After 2 umbrella thefts I decided it was time to take action. I purchased one of those sleek, light and compact ones that conveniently fit in your purse. This time I was no where near the food court however I was at the mall and seated on one of the comfortable couches. Much better than those wooden benches. I had one hand filled with shopping bags and in the other I had a smoothie and decided rather than walk around with it to sit down and savor the delicious blended flavors of mango, orange and banana. Yum! I went to reach inside my handbag for a tissue. My drink was having a case of drink sweat and as luck would have it the tissue pack was at the bottom. I removed some of the items, umbrella included and put them to one side so I could get to the tissues. After wiping off the sweat I tossed the tissue into the nearby basket. Perfect shot. Not even 2 minutes had passed, hell it probably wasn’t even a whole minute that I had my back turned because in that time my umbrella was GONE! Seriously, what the hell?! I suppose I should be thankful sticky fingers didn’t walk off with my YSL compact. 

Is there an umbrella shortage I’m not aware of? Is it the same person and if so do they have some kind of weird umbrella fetish or are they attempting to make it into the Guinness Book of World Records? “The Guinness Record For The Person With The Most Umbrellas Goes To......” 

I really don't understand why this keeps happening to me. Do I need to put a tracking device on my next one? Hmm, you know what? Rather than buy another umbrella I think I'll buy a raincoat instead, a Burberry one of course.


Last year I posted an entry about Nik Wallenda who successfully tight roped across Niagara Falls on live TV.  He’s back. This Sunday he’s planning to tightrope across The Grand Canyon, without a tether or a safety net. You can catch his death defying walk live here. 


My loyal and dear readers, it’s finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have an amazing first week of summer. ~x

Cocaine Princess


Gorilla Bananas said...

Umbrellas are very easy things to misplace in my experience. Are you sure every disappearance was caused by theft? Wallenda reminds me of Phlippe Petit, who high-wired between the WTC Towers in 1975. Like a true Frenchman, he had sex with the first groupie who approached him afterwards.

Miss Stormy Marples said...

Oh my--

The Mystery of the Disappearing Umbrellas.

U should get a small camera device and tuck it inside ur umbrella.

And well, then u can watch wherever ur umbrella goes and who took it.

Of course, I would track down the sorry soul that decided to take my umbrella while my back was turned.

Cocaine Princess said...

Gorilla Bananas at 6:42,
With the exception of incident no. 1 suppose I could have misplaced it.

Miss Stormy Marples,
If anyone can solve a mystery and track down the culprit it would be you!

Red Shoes said...

Err.... I found an umbrella in the class room the other day. Maybe it is yours?? ;o)

After having read through part of the post, I think I have solved the 'Missing Umbrella Caper'... someone has a fetish involving your umbrellas... and it is set up in his bedroom... I mean, what else could it be?

If they are later located, and the authorities decide to return them, the answer is NO!!!!

Just sayin'...

tight roping across the Grand Canyon? Yikes!!

Now that does remind me of a woman who was into ropes and such... but that's another story... :oD


Cocaine Princess said...

Shoes at 1:45,

If the individual does in fact have a fetish I don't want to know what he or she is doing with my umbrellas.

RE: ....."but that's another story..

You simply cannot post a comment like that without details!

Red Shoes said...

Good morning, Princess...I agree. Any object I own that has been the subject of some kink-based fetish fantasy, I don't want back either!!

Re: Another story... you want this at my place or yours??


Cocaine Princess said...

Red Shoes at 9:53,
You're awfully cheeky for a Sunday morning aren't you?

Red Shoes said...


Princess... I think I am pretty much cheeky most of the time. I just have this need to appear 'Innocent' at times... :oD


Cocaine Princess said...

Red Shoes at 3:56,
Cheeky yet innocent-- good combination!

Red Shoes said...

Good morning... I think 'cheeky yes innocent' is a great approach! :oD

I found an umbrella in my class room this past week.

I kid you NOT!!!

I remembered this post and was skeert to touch that thing!!!


Cocaine Princess said...

Red Shoes at 8:17,
Good Morning! LOL! Should you decided to touch it, please wear gloves!!