Part 3: Poodle Lady & Truffle Pigs

 

 Cocaine Princess here.


Let's review Part 2:


The doorbell rang again.

“There’s no way I’m answering that,” I stated.

“And I wasn’t going to ask you darling,” A said exiting the kitchen.

The Grim Reaper already paid me a visit. Who could it be now, Satan’s Secretary perhaps?

Nope but I was very close.

It was....her....

Poodle Lady.

I recognized her voice. It’s piercingly shrilly.

“I brought my inside slippers, can I wear these?” she asked.

“Sure you can,” replied A.

"Inside slippers," I thought to myself while rolling my eyes. I could hardly wait to see her slippers and I could hardly wait to see if her pooch’s paws would be in matching slippers too.  

PART 3:


“Where should I sit?” asked Poodle Lady.

“I could think of a few places,” I thought quietly in my head.

“Wherever you like. Make yourself at home,” answered "A"

Where did Poodle Lady decide to park her rear? Directly across from me. Of all the places she could have picked why oh why did she choose to sit there? There were so many other places so I wouldn’t have to look at her. For instance:

A} She could have sat in the kitchen and kept my sister company.

B} Wait in the foyer until the other guests arrived so I would 
     not have to deal with her.

C} My personal favorite: Wait out on the front porch until the other
     guests arrived.
 
Yeah, "C" would have been so perfect.


She was sitting so directly across from me that if you were to draw a line from where she was to where I was it would be perfectly straight. Her pooch: you've seen people strap their babies on their backs and on their stomachs? Her precious poodle was strapped to her stomach. She or he {and I say that because I really have no idea whether her poodle named "Baby" is a male or female} was wagging its tongue and it like its’ owner was staring right at me. I smiled at our house guest and said:


ME: Hello. How have you been?

Now a typical response from a normal human being would be something along the line like:

“Fine, thank you. And yourself?”

Right my lovelies? But in the years that I have come to know this woman I’ve reached the conclusion she is anything but normal or typical and I’ve yet to determine whether or not she is human. Her response after giving me one of her creepy head to toe stare:

PL: Why are you so overdressed?

It’s not like I was wearing one of my Dior dresses. I was wearing a red sleeveless knit sweater dress. How that qualified as being overdressed in her weird mind is beyond me. She and her poodle on the other hand wore a matching mustard color track suit. Oh yeah her “inside slippers” were black ballerina style ones made from velor. My sister asked:

A: I have a pot of coffee brewing. May I get you a cup or would you prefer something else?

PL: Coffee’s fine. With honey if you have any.

When "A" returned back into the kitchen Poodle Lady had a question for me:

PL: Why didn’t your elder ask if you wanted any coffee?

ME: Because she knows I don’t drink it.
 
PL: Why not?

ME: I don’t like the taste of it.

“A” returned with a tray and on it was a cup of coffee, a squeezable bottle of honey with a spoon lying next to it and a plate with an assortment of her pastries neatly arranged. She laid down the tray gently on the coffee table and left leaving me in the company of a person I just simply dislike. P.L. picked up the honey bottle and squeezed some into her tea and then stirred it around with the spoon and selected one of my sister’s flaky and buttery croissants and praise God hallelujah she did because then her mouth would be busy eating and not talking to me. She tore the croissant in half and left the other half on her plate and dipped the one she had in her hands into the coffee. She must have dunked it at least 5x before finally eating it. And yes I counted. Why you ask? God I have no idea. Remember how I wrote:

“....praise God hallelujah she did because then her mouth would be busy eating and not talking to me”

Well, as she went to pick up the other half she began to interrogate me as to why I wasn’t eating. I answered because I simply wasn’t hungry. I figured the conversation would have ended there. Again, I was wrong. I've never been wrong so many times in one day. Man, I was on a roll! Her next question:
 
PL: Do you ever eat?

“What the hell kind of question was that?” I thought. Do I ever eat? And she put great emphasis on the word “ever.”

ME: Of course I eat.

Poodle Lady chuckled as she picked up another croissant.

PL: Could have fooled me. You look like a bag of bones.

HERE IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY: 
“Have you seen yourself in the mirror lately? I can suggest the name of a good plastic surgeon. He might be able to iron out all those wrinkles covering your face and maybe even do something about your turkey waddle neck.”

BUT HERE IS WHAT I REALLY SAID:
Nada. It went in one ear and out the other my lovelies. I focused my attention back on the movie. It was at the part when Keith Richards’ character comes swaggering in. I couldn’t really focus my attention on the movie and here’s why: Have you ever had that really eerie feeling that someone is staring at you? Despite my eyes being fixated on that delicious pirate hottie Captain Jack {who was just named by People magazine the SEXIEST man alive} I could feel PL’s beadie eyes were on me. When I turned around she was looking right at me. She had another inquiry:

PL: Why are those statutes in here?

The statutes in which she was referring to are 2 Gargoyles. I explained usually they are kept outside in the back garden but since it’s Fall up here the statues can’t take the harsh elements due to the material they are made out of so we decided to bring them inside. She stared at them for a couple of seconds.

PL: They’re ugly.

HERE IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY:
“Look who's talking.”

BUT HERE IS WHAT I REALLY SAID:
“They’re suppose to be so they can prevent evil spirits from entering the home.”

PL: Does it work?

HERE IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY:
“Apparently not since you’re sitting in my living room.”
 
PL: What a silly thing to keep around house.

HERE IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY:
“Silly thing? This coming from a woman who constantly carries her Poodle strapped to her stomach as if it was actually a child AND who insists on dressing herself and her dog in matching outfits is calling my gargoyles a silly thing? Seriously?!”

BUT HERE IS WHAT I REALLY SAID:
Once more, nothing. I just kept my mouth shut and quietly in my head counted backwards from 10-1. After wards I thought hard as I tried to pinpoint the exact day and time of whatever it was I did because it became obvious to me I was being punished by karma for something I did but just couldn’t recall what. I then tried telepathically sending my sister a message to hurry and finish up whatever it was she was doing and get the hell on over here. I think on purposely she left me alone with her.
 
There was silence for a good 5 minutes until she decided to speak again. Ahh, if only she came with an off button.

PL: What are you watching?
 
ME: POTC 3. {Pirates Of The Caribbean 3}

PL: Never seen it. I don’t have time for TV.

HERE IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY:
“Perhaps if you spent less time thinking up ridiculous ideas for your petitions and gave up your day job of being the official busy body of the neighborhood you would have time to watch TV.”

BUT HERE IS WHAT I REALLY SAID:
“It’s a great film. I’ve seen it a few times.”

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. I immediately regretted saying that last sentence. I was trying my hardest to keep my answers short. Short enough so she wouldn’t have anything to add. But of course she had to add her 2 cents.

PL: If you’ve seen it a few times why are you watching it again? You know what’s going to happen in every scene. What a waste of time.

ME: Are there not movies that you like to watch over and over again? Oh that’s right you lead such a busy life you have no time for TV.

PL: Do you ever read?

Again, she placed emphasis on the word “ever.”
 
ME: Yes I read. I read of plenty of things.

PL: What could you possibly read? Fashion rags? The life and style section from the newspaper?

Hardy-har-har!  Poodle Lady cracked a joke. Who knew Miss Lovable had such a sense of humor. Hey I found what she said so funny I was in tears. Thankfully my telepathic message worked because my sister came by and asked our geriatric invitee if she needed anything else. PL requested another cup of coffee and more croissants. “A” looked at me and asked how I was doing.

ME: I'm just peachy sis. I'm having a ball!

I then faked a smile and gave her 2 thumbs up.

My sister gave me this “look” because she knew I was being sarcastic and of course I was. 

Hmm, soooo Poodle Lady wanted to know what kind of books I read. I decided it was time. 

It was time to FINALLY tell Poodle Lady out loud WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY.


To Be Continued......

****

My loyal and dear readers it's finally F-R-I-D-A-Y!!
 
Whatever your plans are have a twinkling weekend.-x


XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess