Part 4: Poodle Lady & Truffle Pigs

Cocaine Princess here.

Let's review Part 3:
 
PL: Do you ever read?

Again, she placed emphasis on the word “ever.”

ME: Yes I read. I read of plenty of things.

PL: What could you possibly read? Fashion rags? The life and style section from the newspaper?

Hardy-har-har!  Poodle Lady cracked a joke. Who knew Miss Lovable had such a sense of humor. Hey I found what she said so funny I was in tears. Thankfully my telepathic message worked because my sister came by and asked our geriatric invitee if she needed anything else. PL requested another cup of coffee and more croissants. “A” looked at me and asked how I was doing.

ME: I'm just peachy sis. I'm having a ball!

I then faked a smile and gave her 2 thumbs up.

My sister gave me this “look” because she knew I was being sarcastic and of course I was.

Hmm, soooo Poodle Lady wanted to know what kind of books I read. I decided it was time.

It was time to FINALLY tell Poodle Lady out loud WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY.

My lovelies I present to you Part 4:

I thought for a couple of minutes whether or not to tell Poodle Lady what I really wanted to say and by a couple of minutes I mean one nano second.

ME: I don't just read magazines. I also read books.

Poodle Lady chuckled.

 PL: Books? I'm guessing they have titles like "How To Eat Yourself Skinny," "How To Glop On Your Mascara." Those are the only kind of books best suited for you.

WOW!! Poodle Lady cracked yet another joke! Somebody call Comedy Central. Hmm,"How To Glop On Your Mascara." As far as I know there is no beauty guide by that name but if anyone is in need of a good makeup book it would be PL. She wears more blush than Miss Piggy. I leaned slightly forward and looked right into Poodle Lady's eyes and smiling I said:
 
ME:  One of my favorite books is The Golden Compass by writer Phillip Pullman. His trilogy is absolutely brilliant. I even have The Golden Compass on DVD. Would you like me to go get it? I'll have my elder pop some popcorn. What do you say?

What can I say my lovelies other than my cheeky side came out. The only reason I mentioned that book is because I knew it would push her buttons. {If you recall from my previous posts The Golden Compass was a book banned by the Catholic School Board because of it's Anti-God message. Some fanatics went as far as saying the book shouldn't be sold in bookstores or even be allowed in the libraries. One of those people in the boycott: lovable Poodle Lady who made it very clear that anyone who read or bought the book is an Atheist. I myself am firmly against censorship and voiced my opinion. Ultimately the school board banned the book} Even though my sister was in the kitchen getting another cup of coffee and a croissant for her highness I could feel her stare. It was practically burning a hole in the back of my head. At that point I'm sure she was trying to send me one of two telepathic messages.


1} CHANGE THE SUBJECT
Changing the subject was definitely out of the subject. I never once confronted Poodle Lady nor did I ever bring it up during any of our unfortunate encounters but after 2 years I was FINALLY going to have my say and I believed I was entitled to it.

2} BE THE BIGGER PERSON
Fat Chance that was going to happen and besides that day I didn't feel like being the bigger person. I had held my tongue in long enough......... Perhaps just maybe I was wrong and should have continued to hold on to my tongue.

Poodle Lady gave me a really dirty look. It was one. GAME. SET. MATCH.

PL: Did you read my letter to the newspaper editor?

ME: You mean the one where you called me an atheist? Are you talking about that letter? If so the answer is yes. Not only did I read it but because it was so eloquently written I decided to clip it from the newspaper and frame it.

My sister returned with another cup of coffee and a plate with 3 croissants. This time she didn't leave to go back into the kitchen. Instead she sat on the cushiony arm rest of the sofa and placed her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. It was her way of telling me to just end the discussion. Poodle Lady took a bite out of her croissant this time without dipping it into the coffee and after she was done, leaned forward and said:

PL: Any individual who reads that book or watched the movie is an atheist. YOU {and she pointed her wrinkly finger at me} are an atheist.

ME: Why because you say so?

PL: Yes!

ME: It's just a book, a work of fiction. Ease up.

PL: A book that didn't deserve to be published. It wasn't appropriate.

ME: Who appointed you to decide what is and what isn't appropriate? Did it ever occur to you that not everybody agrees with your view and that maybe it's best to let people decide on their own what they can and can't read instead of bullying everyone to agree with your narrow minded views?

Poodle Lady was on mute mode for several minutes but continued staring right into my eyes.....Again, pointing her finger at me while this time looking at "A" she said:

PL: Is that anyway for her to talk to me. I'm a guest.

My mouth was wide open but no words came out. I was speechless. I thought nothing could top a visit from The Grim Reaper until I heard Poodle Lady's statement. If only I had a voice recorder near by I would have played everything back and then she could hear the things that came spewing out of her mouth. Hmm, then again what would have been the point? She probably would have flat out accused me of tampering with it. But I did learn something my lovelies: Poodle Lady doesn't like to be challenged. "A" finally decided to speak up.

A: My sister has been very hospitable towards you.

PL: You're an educator right?

A: Yes.

A: Then you should know the definition of the word "hospitable." I didn't hear her offer me a place to sit or if I wanted anything to drink. You've been hospitable. She's been mouthy.

HERE'S WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO SAY:
You are a fruit cake. Seek help.

BUT HERE'S WHAT I SAID:
Looking at my sister who was about to say something, I stood up and said to her:

ME: Don't even bother. She's all yours. I'll be downstairs. Call me when the meeting is over.

I went into the rec room and laid myself down on the sofa trying to get that weird woman out of my head. I picked up the remote from the nearby ottoman and turned on the TV and then quickly shut it off. I wasn't in the mood. Instead I reached for my MP3, put on my headphones, pressed play and closed my eyes........

I was listening to Madonna and was nearing the 5th song when I began to feel several taps on my stomach and one very hard tap on my forehead. I opened my eyes and was startled to see 1, 2, 3.....7 little lambs surrounding me including Froggie, The Pint Sized Dictator {PSD} and a few others I recognized and some I didn't. I turned off my player, removed my headphones and sat up.

ME: Hi guys.

PSD: Can we watch a DVD?

ME: Yeah. Pick something out you like.

He and a couple of others made their way to the DVD library.

LITTLE GIRL: Were you listening to Justin Bieber? Because I like him.

ME: I was listening to somebody else.

LITTLE GIRL: Was it Britney Spears? Because I like her too. I like her new song "3" It's all about the number 3 you know. 1,2,3.

{Those of you who have seen the video or have heard the song know Ms. Spears is  saying a lot more than counting to the number 3. She continued}

May I please hear who you're listening to?

I gave her my MP3. Froggie who locked his arm in mine asked how I had been doing? When I gave him my reply I in turn asked him the same question.

FROGGIE: Gosh darn I can't complain friend. Were you sleeping? 'Cause it looked like you were.

ME: I wasn't asleep. I was only resting my eyes.

FROGGIE: Oh. {pause} Sometimes daddy tells me he and mommy are going upstairs to rest their eyes.

I requested that he repeat that sentence just to make sure I heard him correctly. I did.

ME: Your daddy actually tells you that?

Froggie nodded his little head while scratching it. I had to ask him this:

ME: And where exactly are you when mommy and daddy are "resting their eyes?"

FROGGIE: With my nanny. Mostly we play video games but we won't be doing that anymore. Mommy and daddy signed me up for karate lessons and a swimming group on Saturdays and Sundays. I have my very first karate lesson next week.

Before I had a chance to respond, PSD selected a DVD he wanted to watch. He was sitting on the carpet and waving the DVD in the air.

PSD: Can we watch this one?

ME: Bring it over here please and let me see.

I assumed he picked something from the Disney shelf. Once again I was wrong. I had broken the record on how many times I had been wrong in one day. He approached me and the held the DVD in front of him. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY THE BOY PICKED OUT 9 1/2 WEEKS. The PSD had a very cheeky look on his face.

PSD: It looks good.

ME: No, no, no you definitely don't want to be watching that one.

I took the DVD from his hands and put it on a shelf that was out of his reach.

PSD: What's it about?

ME: Ask me that question again when you turn 18.
 
FROGGIE: You know what movie I saw? 'What About Bob?' I saw it with my Nana.
 
ME: That's a really funny movie. I've seen that one too.


FROGGIE: It's a hoot! Bob follows his doctor and makes him crazy.

I led PSD to the G-rated section and he began to grumble.

PSD: These are all for babies.

ME: Which is what you are. I have a better idea: rather than watch a movie my sister made all this yummy food for you guys so why don't we go back upstairs and fill our tummies.

In unison they said "NO" except for the one with my MP3. She was off in her own musical world.

LITTLE BOY: We don't want to. Poodle Lady is there.

LITTLE BOY#2: She's mean. I walked across her lawn and she came out and yelled at me.

ME: I can promise you she won't be yelling at you or at anyone of you. Okay?

LITTLE GIRL: Poodle Lady is scary.....and cranky.

ME: Trust me she's harmless.

I gathered the lambs and proceeded to take them back upstairs. Halfway up Froggie stopped because he had something to share with me:

FROGGIE: I heard daddy tell mommy once Poodle Lady should go on Prozac. I don't know what the heck that means but mommy said yes.

To Be Continued....


****

Dearest Mom,

On this day the heavens decided it was time for you to take your eternal slumber. It still hurts when I think about you but I know there will come a time when it won't hurt so much. 

You once dedicated a song to me: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2jZPclno3s

Today I dedicate a song never really made any sense but we always had fun singing it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQnqNLeiWKw  



Have you heard? The band is in the studio working on a new album scheduled to be released in 2010. No worries because you know very well as soon as they announce their tour me and "A" will be at their concert on your behalf.

Te Amo. Le Falto. 

Deseo Que Usted Estuviera Aqui. 

Amor Por Siempre,

Princesa Colombiana

******

My loyal and dear readers it's finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a superb weekend.-x


XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess