Part 5: Poodle Lady & Truffle Pigs

Cocaine Princess here. 

Let's review:

LITTLE BOY: We don't want to. Poodle Lady is there.

LITTLE BOY#2: She's mean. I walked across her lawn and she came out and yelled at me.

ME: I can promise you she won't be yelling at you or at anyone of you. Okay?

LITTLE GIRL: Poodle Lady is scary.....and cranky.

ME: Trust me she's harmless.

I gathered the lambs and proceeded to take them back upstairs. Halfway up Froggie stopped because he had something to share with me:

FROGGIE: I heard daddy tell mommy once Poodle Lady should go on Prozac. I don't know what the heck that means but mommy said yes.

PART 5:

I can honestly say the things that come out of tiny Froggie's mouth really don't surprise me anymore. Little Miss Britney Spears wannabe then said:

BRITNEY: We forgot my brother.

ME: Your brother?

BRITNEY: Yeah he's not here.

I counted and there were only 6 lambs and not 7. Back down the stairs we went in search of him. I felt so terrible. I felt like a neglectful parent you see on the 6 o’clock news who are getting hauled off wearing silver bracelets and hanging their head in shame from the news cameras while their child is in the care of Children's Aid.

The rec room is wide open so there weren’t a lot of places for him to hide. Thankfully missing lamb #7 was located within seconds behind one of the DVD bookcases.  No need for an Amber Alert. He was sitting on the floor cross legged with his arms out indicating he wanted me to pick him up. As I bent down his sister had a warning for me.

BRITNEY: Wait! Be careful! He bites.

ME: He bites? What do you mean he bites?

Froggie tugged on my sweater dress.

FROGGIE: I think she means the little fellow might take a chomp at you.

Britney nodded in agreement with him.

BRITNEY: He bit our nanny's thumbs twice. She wears gloves now.

I figured she was joking with me. After studying her face very carefully I realized she wasn't. The girl was dead serious. 

ME: Too bad your nanny's not here now.

BRITNEY: It's her day off.

ME: How lucky for her.


I stared at her brother. He was smiling at me and looked so harmless and so innocent.

ME: No, he's not going to bite me. He's a little sweetheart.

I blew him a little kiss.

BRITNEY: That’s what he wants you to think. He's not. He likes to bite people's fingers hard. See?

As evidence she held up her left hand. The tip of her pinky finger was covered in a band aid. Oh boy. You all know the theme to JAWS right? That's what began to play very loudly in my head. I looked at my fingers and I looked at him. He refused to get up and just sat there with his arms wide open. I tried to delve into his little mind and wondered, "hmm, I bet this little flesh feeder is thinking which finger of mine is the tastiest." My nails had been manicured a few days earlier. The last thing I needed were for my pretty polished nails to be attached to a finger with a band aid or worse, have visible teeth marks. Not exactly a good look. I went around and picked him up from behind. Before we made our way back up I counted twice....7 kids. This time they all refused to go back upstairs. They stood there not budging a muscle because of Poodle Lady. I could not believe the holy fear this woman {and I use the word “woman” loosely} has inflicted on the neighborhood kids.

PSD: We're not scared of her. We just don't like her.

ME: I'm not a fan of hers either.

I managed to change their minds and before we headed on up I counted again for a 3rd time: 7 lambs all healthy and in one piece.

I made it upstairs without any of my fingers being injured and the first thing I did was quickly return Baby Jaws back to his mama. I noticed a band aid on her pointer finger. She had a real worried look on her face when she saw me.

MOTHER OF JAWS: My son's been going through a little bit of a biting phase.

You couldn't have shared this vital piece of information with me earlier? I thought to myself. 

MOTHER OF JAWS: He didn't bite you did he?


I nodded no and smiled.

ME: He's been an absolute angel.

In the middle of exchanging light pleasantries with all the other parents the crazy woman stood up.

PL: Must you disrupt our important meeting? Can't you say hello to everybody later?

Good God Almighty! You'd think I'd disrupted a meeting that was a matter of life and death. In case you've forgotten this very “important meeting” that I “disrupted” was whether or not the neighborhood needs a strip mall. Someone call Wolf Blitzer! I'm sure he'll love to report and analyze piece by piece on this very important meeting. 

Feeling cheeky I replied:

ME: I'm only being hospitable, something you accused me of not being earlier, remember? 

Looking at the parents I asked:


ME: Does everybody have enough to drink, anyone need more snacks?


Before I could get an answer Poodle Lady gave me a direct order while snapping her fingers.


PL: Hurry up and get it over with and then leave us alone so we can continue.

I had seriously just about had it with this woman. It was not enough she snapped her fingers at me but her pooch began to bark at me.......


My lovelies I'm going to have stop here. I've had an exhausting week and I don't have the strength tonight to type out the rest.  However I leave you with something very special:

On Tuesday morning we had our first snowfall. The ground was covered in white fluff. It was pretty light but there was still enough for someone to make a mini, lopsided snowman.

My loyal and dear readers it's finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have an outstanding weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess