2010 Winter Games: Now The World Knows

Cocaine Princess here.

The 2010 Winter Olympics have come to an end. 17 days of competitive winter sports. Unless you've been under a rock the games took place in scenic Vancouver, B.C. Since the games began we were made fun of badly and criticized badly about almost everything including our women's hockey team after winning the gold. Oh yeah and how can I forget, there was that heart warming Russian editorial.


We won a record number of gold medals, 14 to be exact including the men's Olympic hockey game. I never saw today's game. I was down in the city busy with things. It wasn't until I heard people singing our national anthem and parading in the streets wearing red and white I realized we had won "the most important gold medal" of the 2010 games. 

Here's what I found out later on: Canada was leading 2-1. In the 3rd period Team USA's coach called a time out and there was something about an empty goalie net. 24.4 seconds were remaining from us getting our hands on "la médaille d'or" until the USA scored tying and sending the game into sudden death over time. 

In over time player #87 Sidney Crosby scored the winning goal and then threw his stick and gloves into the air. Team Canada wins the gold in their home and native land!!

A member of the Canadian committee for the Olympic games during his speech at the closing ceremonies said, "the last game of the Olympics will be remembered for generations."

So....... even though we may have been ridiculed {and I think we handled it quite well} during the 2010 games, now the world knows what country hockey belongs to. Hmm, then again it always has and always will be our game, eh.

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

WINTER VAYCAY: Dinner: The Sitarist & His Chant

Cocaine Princess here.

It was Christmas Eve and I thought again about the theme's party while looking at the dinner table. I looked across at the "actors" and God knows why but I even looked over at The Panamanian and his wife who were thankfully seated further down from where I was, then I looked at the Ravi Shankar wanna-be. Mr. Sitarist was sitting on his rug quietly with his eyes closed. I couldn't quite decide whether the party was:


A} Bizarre
B} Odd
C} Weird
or

D}Defective

As I tried to determine between A to D cousin re-appeared. “Well, well, well, look who decided to show, Mr. David Copperfield.” “I had a phone call to make,” he said finding his seat and sitting down. “How convenient,” I replied. “I call it perfect timing,” he said back. As he continued talking I knew very well there was “no phone call.” He had gone outside to avoid listening to the “entertainment portion” of the night and spent the time smoking and not on the phone. Judging from the stench that was coming off of him I think he smoked the entire pack and called him on it. "What do you want me to do?" he asked. "Pop a breath mint and maybe if you Febreeze yourself it might get rid of some of the smell," I suggested. "You know, you discriminate against smokers Princess. We have rights." Cousin began fidgeting with his tie and loosened it a little and was itching to get out his 3 Piece Cage. The 3 Piece Cage is what he refers to when he has to wear a suit and tie. He picked up The Leaning Tower Of Pisa name card holder next to him and said damn! when he read who was sitting there.  "Hey do me a favor and switch seats with Valentina. After covering for you with The Host there's no telling what she's got planned for me." "Are you scared of her?" I questioned. "Sadly yes. You know the way she can get." Oh boy do I ever "She may actually sic the gringo marine on me." "Tsk, tsk, tsk. You and Valentina really like throwing the G-word don't you?" I remarked. "Look around Princess....you see any of them around?" "That's not the point. It's just not a very nice word," I explained. Cousin laughed a little. "You've been spending too much time over there when you ought to be spending more time here in the homeland and not just on the holidays......What do you say? Switch seats. She'll never know." I informed him it was too late. Valentina was already aware of the seating arrangement and had excused herself. "Where did she go?" "All she said was she would be right back," I answered and then all of a sudden the sitarist spoke and by that I meant he began to chant:  OM....OM.... over and over. Those who had made their way to the dinner table didn't know quite what to think and became very still and quiet. So quiet you could hear a pin drop. Hmm, I take that back. You might have been able to hear a pin drop if it hadn't been for the wannabe Ravi Shankar and his chanting. And here I thought this night couldn't get any more bizarre, odd or weird. He sat cross legged with his hands palms facing up high in the air, eyes closed and while he chanted I let out a giggle. Oh God not again!! Cousin turned to me and whispered, "You have got a serious giggling problem, don't ya?" I nodded yes and turned the other way and kept my head down as the dinner guests were being entertained just as the individual salads were being served. When he finished I took a couple of deep and silent breaths and was back to myself. Cousin asked if I was okay. I told him yes and then in a very sarcastic tone he said, "I can't wait to see what he does next." He could do whatever he wanted I thought to myself as long as it wasn't anything that made me giggle uncontrollably....which at that point was next to impossible.  Cousin asked a question. "How are you liking your evening so far?" It was a fair question. It took me a couple of minutes to come up with an answer as I reviewed the many delightful highlights of the evening..... I was confident and was ready to give him an honest answer. "I can honestly say this is one Christmas Eve that will definitely go down in history with me." "What will go down in history?" questioned Valentina. She had finally returned with the same glass she left with in her hands. "Where do you go?" "There was a spot on my glass. I went back into the kitchen and had that waiter re-wash it for me to my satisfaction," she replied. "Oh God you didn't?" It was a stupid question of me to ask because of course she did. "Why are you tormenting him?" I asked. Her answer: "For kicks and because I'm bored." "And whose fault is that?" inquired cousin. "You guys could have been in St. Croix." "That's right!" I said in agreement. Picking up her salad fork she jabbed cousin in the arm with it a couple of times and told him, "stop causing trouble." I let out a little sigh while I thought how awesome it would have been to celebrate Christmas in St. Croix.....Christmas in St. Croix had such a nice ring to it that it just rolled off my tongue so sweetly. I was about to say it a few times in a row just to annoy Valentina but I was interrupted by guess who? Good grief the chanting had begun again. "Is he off his medication?" asked my bf. You have to admit it was a fair question and if he was it would have explained plenty. "If he isn't on any type of meds he may want to start," Cousin said back.

Unlike the rest of the evening the food we dined on was probably the only thing that wasn't bizarre, odd or even weird. It was pure perfection and everything was delish. The one downside: the sitarist and his frigging chant. He would chant and then stop and then chant again in 10 minute intervals. I had to force myself and it was really hard but I managed to tune him out otherwise I would have been giggling non-stop. The rest of the guests did exactly the same. He was too much! As we ate Valentina kept asking question after question about The Sitarist. Why was he chanting? Why was he sitting on the floor and not eating at the table? Out of all the instruments, why the sitar?  Her queries about him were never ending and had begun to bug cousin. "What are you asking me for? Do I look the man with the answers? If you're that interested, go ask him yourself." And that's exactly what she did. She backed out of her chair and approached him. "She's unbelievable," muttered cousin. We tried to make out what she was saying but couldn't hear a thing. The conversation didn't last very long and when she made her way back to her seat, she picked up her fork and proceeded to finish dinner. I looked at Cousin and he looked at me. Hey, we were dying to know his answers! "Well?" I curiously asked. She finished her bite and after taking a sip replied. "I asked him one question after introducing myself. What's with the chanting? and His highness requested he not be disturbed while eating." By the look on her face I could tell she wasn't too pleased and I was right. "He DISTURBED us for 20 minutes and he can't answer one question? If anyone is doing the disturbing it's him and I'm going to go tell him that." Cousin grabbed a hold of her arm as she was about to get up again. "Leave the guy alone, will ya? Be glad he's only chanting and not playing his instrument." His chanting was just as off key as his playing the sitar.

It was past midnight when the amazing Christmas Eve dinner party came to an end. I was in bed and as soon as my head hit the pillow I began to slowly drift off to sleep. I was afraid after my stimulating evening I would be too hyper to sleep! Valentina crawled into bed with me and wanted to know if I was angry with her. "Angry? Why would I be angry? Other than the fact we could have been celebrating Christmas in St. Croix instead of Sandbox Island or because you told people I was an alcoholic?" I giggled a little. There's nothing she could ever do that could make me become angry with her and besides as I told cousin:  this was one Christmas Eve that will definitely go down in history with me........ and then I giggled a little more thinking about Mr. Sitarist and his chant.

....To Be Continued 

******

As I post this blog we up here are under a severe winter storm watch. Snow, freezing rain and strong winds are heading are way. Wow it's going to be one awesome weekend!

My loyal and dear readers it's finally FRIDAY!

Whatever your plans are have a superb weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

They Said It Couldn't Be Done

Cocaine Princess here.

I'm not into sports but all day wherever I went it seems everyone was talking about the "big game" so I couldn't help but watch a little bit of the game: Team Canada vs Team Russia at the 2010 Olympics. 

They said it couldn't be done. They said it was impossible. It was reported and predicted Team Canada would get eaten alive by the Russians and be laughed at by the world, after all hockey is our sport and to lose a chance to get the gold on our home turf!

Well.....

We won!

We defeated the Russians, 7-3

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

"The Pleasure You Give...."

Cocaine Princess here.

So, how are some of my lovelies planning to celebrate one of the most romantic days of the year today?

Will you pluck your beloved like a fruit?
Will you cover your beloved with your sweet kisses?
Will you sink your teeth into their moist flesh and taste their "rapture?"

Or

Will you undress your beloved and then caress them?
Will you tickle and tease, explore and please them too? Or maybe you’re the type who can make your beloved "die in your arms" over and over again, hmm?

Tonight ladies......
Be a naughty Valentine vixen for your lover. Heels, garters, chocolate body paint and edible lingerie will go a real long way in satisfying his appetite.

For all you Casanovas......
Try not to be "boring" tonight. Unleash your "inhibitions" and use your imagination. Some of us ladies enjoy creativity in the bedroom, well I know I do. Besides there’s nothing like a little creativity to get the juices flowing.

 

Remember Charlie Brown and his undying love for the little red-haired girl? But poor Charlie Brown is so painfully shy he can’t even work up the courage to say one word to her so she doesn’t even know he is alive! As the cartoon goes, “One day, Charlie Brown and his sister Sally are getting mail out of the mailbox. Charlie Brown pulls out a letter and asks, "What’s this? Is it a love letter from the red-haired girl?" Sally looks at it and says,  "No, it’s an ad for a tire company." Charlie Brown pulls out another letter and asks,  "What’s this? A love letter from Peggy Jean?" Scanning the letter, Sally says, "No, it’s an ad from a shoe store." Charlie Brown pulls out a third letter and asks, "What’s this? A love letter from the girl I met at the library?" "No," Sally says, "It’s an ad for some luggage." Charlie Brown sinks down against the mailbox post and sighs.

For those of you who are alone......
You don't need to look for love because love will find you. One day it'll come walking in. Don't just take my word for it even "The Red Rocker" thinks it. Patience my lovelies, love operates on Cupid’s time and if that doesn’t provide some type of comfort to your restless heart perhaps this will:  I recently had dinner at a Chinese Restaurant. In one of the dining rooms was a beautiful quote hand painted on the wall. It read:

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet regardless of time, or circumstance.
The thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break.”

-Ancient Chinese Belief

So hang tight lonely hearts because one day you’ll feel that red thread tugging at your heart and that my dear ones is Cupid’s arrow of love. And if that still doesn’t help well....if it's any consolation I too am solo this February 14th.

For those nursing a broken heart......
Look at it this way, every heart has a home and when the right one comes along the key will fit perfectly. Your heart will unlock, senses will be re-awakened and that broken heart will be nothing but a faded memory.

For those who may have an illicit love......
You think I could forget about you? Tsk, tsk, tsk, of course not. I have a bit of helpful advice. If caught in the act simply say what Chico Marx said to his wife when he was caught kissing a chorus girl:

“But I wasn’t kissing her. I was whispering in her mouth.”

{Yeah, I don't think that line will work either}

It is said “whenever you hear music an angel is "speaking" to you.” When you hold your Valentine in your arms don’t make music with them, create a symphony that would make even Cupid blush. 

So what is love? Hmm, it's hard to describe isn't it. If you were to ask 100 people you’d probably receive 100 different answers but I believe they would agree on 3 things:

Love Is....a mystery.
Love Is...a blessing.

Love Is....a damn beast.

St. Valentine’s Day is not about the gifts you receive such as, a bouquet of orchids, a box of chocolate raspberry truffles or shiny baubles {hmm, well maybe a little bit}. St. Valentine’s Day is about giving love to your beloved as it should be everyday. Take note, the pleasure you give is the pleasure you get back so give it your all.

However you celebrate this day do it with passion and vigor because being in love never goes out of style.

Last but certainly not least: what happens under the covers stays under the covers. In other words if you wish to keep your relationship sacred and special never kiss and tell.

To all my loyal and dear readers today’s post comes with a spicy kiss.

Happy St. Valentine’s Day and Night to you and your sweetheart.

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess
 -x

Winter Olympics 2010

Cocaine Princess here.

Today will mark the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, B.C. Yes that's right the Winter Olympics are on our turf!

For the past year commercials starring Donald Sutherland surrounded by Canadian Olympic athletes asking the question, "Do You Believe?" have been airing non stop as well as ads with Michael J. Fox promoting the city of Vancouver. 

"The Olympic Torch was lit on October 22th 2009. It then traveled from Greece, over to the North Pole to Canada's High Arctic and on to the West Coast and Vancouver. In Canada it traveled approximately 45,000 km over 106 days making it the longest relay route within one country in Olympic history. The Olympic Torch was carried by approximately 12,000 Canadians." 

 

Pictured above are the official mascots for the games inspired by traditional First Nations creatures, the mascots include: 

Sumi — An animal guardian spirit who wears the hat of the orca whale, flies with the wings of the mighty Thunderbird and runs on the strong furry legs of the black bear.


Quatchi — A Sasquatch, who wears boots and earmuffs. 

Miga — A mythical sea bear, part orca and part kermode bear. 

***

A while back I bought my Olympic mitts.

I recently acquired some other pieces that I wear in the mornings during my run. All proceeds went to support local athletes.

My hoodie.

I have two hats or as they're called up here, toques. 

I alternate everyday although I prefer wearing the one below because of the pom-pom.

And my scarf.

 My loyal and dear readers it's finally Friday and the start to the long weekend!

Whatever your plans are have a loving weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

WINTER VAYCAY: Mr. Sitarist & His Rug

Cocaine Princess here.

.... Following his performance was a brief break before the opera solo. It was funny to see how fast the room cleared out. Most everyone either went to the bar for a drink or disappeared outside to light up a ciggie. Valentina went to the rest room, well at least that’s what she told me. I had a hunch she went into the kitchen to torment the waiter. My slip up for telling her where he was. I returned to where I was sitting before and this is where things got interesting.

I was sitting by myself when who decides to come by and sit across from me? The one and only, The Panamanian.
 
He was on his cell phone yapping loudly to someone. While on the phone he looked at me and slightly nodded his head to say hello. I smiled back. That night was the first time I’d ever been that close to him. Valentina refers to him as the fat, balding Panamanian. Me? Hmm, let’s just say given his size he must shop at the Big & Tall Store and save a lot of money on shampoo. When he was done yapping he put his phone away, folded his hands and stared right at me. There was an uncomfortable type of silence, that is before the light and casual banter began: Hello, how are you? etc. After that enlightening conversation was over the uncomfortable silence resurfaced. It was really one of those uncomfortable moments we sometimes encounter and I didn’t want to just get up and leave because I figured it might seem a little rude on my end. Instead I said another prayer to the Big Guy, for somebody to come and sit by me: Valentina, cousin, Gilligan, hell even the Ravi Shankar wannabe! Not even 2 seconds went by after saying my prayer and who decides to come by? The Energizer Bunny ooops I mean P.W. Now the Big Guy decides to answer my prayer?! Okay better than nobody. She was carrying a green linen napkin, a plate and on top of it was a jar of caviar and crackers. I still could not get passed on how tanned she was. Her teeth were the only thing that weren't tanned and because she was so tanned, her teeth appeared very white that when she smiled it was like a blinding flash of light. Anyways, she jumped right into her hubby’s laps and gave him a nice, big wet one on the lips. The kiss lasted several long seconds, and NO I wasn’t counting nor was I purposely staring but they were sitting right across from me so it was hard not to notice. With the little spoon she scooped up some of the caviar and spread it onto the cracker and began to feed her husband and then would carefully wipe the corners of his mouth. As she fed her big chubby baby his chubby hand was busy patting her thigh. Hmm, I don’t recall reading anything on the programme about this! What does a person such as myself do in a situation like that? I looked at the ceiling, I looked down at the floor, made a quick glance at them and they were still going at it. Hello?! There’s a person sitting across from you, do you not see her? I don't know how they could have missed me after all I was wearing a really cute dress. The last party I had seen them both at was Easter 2008 which I blogged about and let me tell you she was not shy about holding her feelings in towards him. She, the P.W. was sitting in his laps feeding him grapes for all to see like he was some type of heroic Roman Gladiator. Speaking of Gladiator and getting off topic here for a moment but has anyone been watching the new show: "Spartacus: Blood & Sand." Wow. I honestly thought nothing could top Zalman King's TV series: Red Shoe Diaries in terms of being sensual, beautiful and sexy but some of the scenes in Spartacus are pretty close. Getting back to my post: Don’t get me wrong: I have nothing against personal displays of affection: embracing, exchanging a few light kisses etc are all fine but if you’re going to shove your tongue down your significant other's throat or if you plan on dipping your finger into a jar of caviar and have them lick it off {which is what they had started to do} well do it in the privacy of your own home where there’s no one else around to watch. It was precisely around the caviar moment I decided to get up and leave. I was beginning to believe Val was right: maybe the P.W. isn't all there. I was extremely relieved she wasn’t around to see any of this. Valentina is beyond blunt and God knows what she would have said or done had she witnessed the spectacle. Hmm, it sure would have been fun to find out though.

The Opera & William Shakespeare

When it came time for the opera singer to do her thing less than half of the dinner guests came back including cousin and Gilligan. I don’t speak Italian so I have absolutely no idea what the soloist was singing about nor was I really interested in knowing. Despite her singing at the top of her lungs I had to keep pinching myself to stay awake. Once more there was applause and cheers from those who decided to stick around when she was done. Following that was an re-enactment of a scene from “The Merchant Of Venice.” And let me say thank God because I was worried it would be a re-enactment of the entire play. Had that been the case there was a very good chance I would have split! 

Dinner


You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out the food that was served. Italian, what else? Dinner was served in the salon and even the dining table ran with the theme of the night’s party. The table cloth had a gigantic Italian flag in the middle. Miniature replica statues of the Leaning Tower Of Pisa stood in place as name card holders. In order to find our seats we had to pick each tower up one by one to find our names. It was a little difficult because the writing was so small. Sitting to my left was Gilligan, to my right, Valentina and beside her was Cousin. Both Gilligan and Cousin were no where in sight. “Where did those 2 wonder off to?” I inquired. “If they’re smart they’re either hiding or they’ve jetted back to the mainland,” she replied picking up her dinner glass. She inspected it very carefully and then couldn’t stop staring at it. It was like the glass had a type of hypnotic hold on her. She backed out of her chair with the glass in hand. “Be right back,” she said. “Where are you going?” I asked. She failed to give me an answer.

The rest of the absentee dinner guests slowly re-appeared and made their way to the salon including the Shakespearean actors....in costume. Making his way next to the dinner table ladies and gentleman, "Mr. Sitarist".....or at least so I thought. And here's what I mean by that: he located his seat and picked up his plates, utensils and glass and laid them down on the floor and then exited around the corner. {I giggled a little remembering the "kumbya" remark made by cousin} He came back with his precious rug, rolled it out and neatly arranged exactly how the plates etc, were on the table and sat down, lotus style. Oh good grief now I had seen everything. I’ve been to several, several parties including other dinner parties {not held by the host} but the Christmas Eve Dinner Party 2009 on Sandbox Island was truly in a special class all on its own, seriously I kid you not. It was an incredibly strange night and had there been a full moon it might have explained the strangeness. It was Christmas Eve and I thought again about the theme's party while looking at the dinner table. I looked across at the "actors" and God knows why but I even looked over at The Panamanian and his wife who were thankfully seated further down from where I was, then I looked at the Ravi Shankar wanna-be. Mr. Sitarist was sitting on his rug quietly with his eyes closed. I couldn't quite decide whether the party was:


A} Bizarre 
B} Odd 
C} Weird
or

D}Defective


....To Be Continued


XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

The Super Bowl: Clark & Helen Griswold Are Back!!

Cocaine Princess here.

What's happening this weekend? Oh right it's the Super Bowl. Does anyone even watch the game? We all know the Super Bowl is really about the commercials, the half-time show and pigging out on food. At least those are my reasons for watching. I admit I don't watch sports unless David Beckham is playing. Hey, soccer is very important to us Colombians. Here's what I know about the big game:

It's Super Bowl 44. The big game will be played at the Sun Life Stadium, Miami Gardens. It's the 10th time it's being played in Miami which in itself is a record. It's the biggest TV event of the year with 100 million viewers.The two teams: New Orleans Saints and the Indianapolis Colts and the favorite is the Colts by 4. The national anthem will be sung by Queen Latifah ("America the Beautiful") and Carrie Underwood, and The Who will be preforming at Half Time. That's all I know. I don't have a clue what the players names are, what they look like or what their stats are or anything else associated with football including football lingo except for the word "touchdown." I am aware of what that means.

"THE FOOD"

We all know food is a big part of Super Bowl Sunday. For me it's one of the 2 days out of the year I'll allow myself to eat whatever I please without feeling any remorse after. This weekend the big question at my house:

That's right my lovelies, the big question is not who will win the Super Bowl but who will be delivering the pizza? Pizza Hut or Domino's? If a decision isn't reached we may just end up doing a coin toss to figure out the answer. Whoever does the delivering it's a sure bet the pizza will have extra pineapples. Along side the pizza we'll be ordering:

Can you believe it?! Wing Street Wings are now available here! Seriously it's true! And the HOTTER the sauce on the wings, the better!

I still have yet to decide which out of 3 I will eat. The above price shown is in U.S. The CDN price is $7.99.

"THE SNACKS"

Snacks are of course a must and for me that includes:

Nachos with extra Hot Salsa

Cheetos. This Sunday my perfectly manicured nails will be covered in orange cheese dust.

 Empanadas
 
Mini Vanilla Ice Cream Sandwiches. 

Not only are these delish but dainty.

For my sweet tooth:
 

Who doesn't love M&M's? I like opening a large bag and pouring them into a bowl and picking them up one by one and having them melt in my mouth and not in my hands. I like the green ones the best and will single them out and eat them first. I've been seeing a lot of ads for Coconut M&M's and wanted to put them in the mix but unfortunately they're not available up here so my regular ones will just have to do.

Once in a while my English side comes calling out  so these are a must:

 

I love these candies or as they are called across the pond, sweets.

And last but not least:

No explanation needed.

 "THE COMMERCIALS"

This year ads are going for 2.8 million for a 30 second spot, down from last year, 3 million. For the first time in 23 years Pepsi will not be running an ad during the Super Bowl itself. FedEx has also stated that they won't buy ad time. Mars Chocolate returns three years after its' controversial Snickers ad that was protested by gay and lesbian groups with two men kissing one another that was pulled one day following the game. The new ad stars octogenarian actors Betty White and Abe Vigoda, with the tagline: "You're not you when you're hungry." Mars won't discuss any more details.
http://www.usatoday.com/money/advertising/2010-01-28-mars-snickers-super-bowl-ad_N.htm

1 commercial I'm looking forward in seeing: 

The Griswolds! Clark and Helen Griswold are back!!

"Clark Griswold evidently has the Wagon Queen Family Truckster all gassed up and ready to go on another vacation, as HomeAway has brought back the Chevy Chase movie character for its first Super Bowl-based campaign. The vacations rental brand will run a :30 spot during the Feb. 7 game's third quarter, hoping to not only drive leads to the home page but also create social media buzz."  http://www.clickz.com/3636259

One of the newspapers up here re-printed a list of the "Top 10 Best and Worst Super Bowl ads." I don't recall some of them. Do you agree with both lists. What are some of your favorite commercials? What are your worsts? 

My 3 favorites are:

 Budweiser Streaking Lamb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FEDvAXWvHU  

Justin Timberlake in Pepsi's "Magnetic Attraction"

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLcgFo0CPss
 

Britney, Beyoncé & Pink as Gladiator Girls for Pepsi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKyvnSRPC6E&feature=related

"TOP 10 BEST SUPERBOWL ADS"

10. MASTER LOCK — “Shot Lock” (1974)

One of the first high-profile Super Bowl ads featured little more than a bullet, a padlock and the following words: “On December 5th, 1973, at a rifle range outside of Los Angeles, a high-powered .30-caliber rifle was fired at a distance of 40 yards, to try to open this Master padlock. …” The results were definitely more entertaining than Super Bowl VIII (Miami 24, Minnesota 7).

9. COKE — “Parade Balloons” (2008)

Just when we were convinced that memorable advertisements are a thing of the past, Coca-Cola unveiled this gem near the end of last year’s Super Bowl. Parade balloon versions of Underdog and Stewie from “Family Guy” fight for an inflatable Coke bottle over the New York skyline, but are thwarted when a Charlie Brown balloon shows up and steals the drink.

8. BUDWEISER — “Sleigh Ride” (2004)

Borrowing heavily from a popular “Seinfeld” episode, a flatulent hansom cab horse turns a candle into a flamethrower and torches a guy’s date. (He escapes the danger because he reaches for a Bud Light.) We learned a valuable lesson after putting this on a “10 worst” list a couple of years ago: There are many, many Americans willing to go to war in defense of a good fart joke.

7. E*TRADE — “Money out the Wazoo” (2000)

Most of the dot-com ads were terrible, but E*Trade had two classics in 2000. In this one, a man is rushed into an emergency room and is quickly diagnosed with “money coming out of the wazoo.” Several good one-liners followed. (“Does your husband have insurance?” … “Insurance? He’s got money coming out of the wazoo!”)   

6. McDONALDS — “The Showdown” (1993)

Michael Jordan and Larry Bird, two of the most recognizable and popular athletes in the world, engage in an increasingly logic-defying shooting contest for a Big Mac. (“Over the second rafter, off the floor, nothing but net.”) The commercial ends with the players throwing a ball off the John Hancock Tower in Chicago.

5. BUDWEISER — “Frogs” (1995)

With the Bud Bowl and its anthropomorphic bottles and cans becoming increasingly intolerable, Anheuser-Busch needed a new gimmick. The best idea advertisers could come up with: Three frogs sitting on a log and croaking the words “buuuud,” “wiiiise” and “errrr.” Americans predictably loved this ad, which included lizard and ferret-themed spin offs.

4. APPLE — “1984” (1984)

Perhaps the most renowned Super Bowl ad ever, the ad for Apple's Macintosh followed a 1984 theme. An Orwellian scene of lockstep fascism is broken up by a woman in red Dolphin shorts, who hurls a sledgehammer through a theater screen. Then we see this text: "On January 24th, Apple will introduce Macintosh. And you’ll see why 1984 won’t be like '1984." The ad ran just one more time on television, perhaps compounding its renown.

3. REEBOK — “Terry Tate Office Linebacker” (2003)

Workers at a fictitious corporation who breach office etiquette receive bone-crunching tackles from Terry Tate, a Reebok sneaker-wearing linebacker who barks observations like "Break was over 15 minutes ago, Mitch!"

2. BUDWEISER — “Respect” (2002)

The Budweiser Clydesdales, easily the most recognizable icon in Super Bowl ads, walk across a snowy field and the Brooklyn Bridge before taking one knee in front of the New York skyline where the World Trade Center towers used to be. Budweiser followed this theme three years later with its “Heroes” ad, featuring people at an airport applauding returning soldiers.

1. COKE — “Mean Joe Greene” (1979)

Apple spent more money and the frogs were cuter, but there’s no beating Mean Joe Greene (even though this advertisement technically debuted just before the Super Bowl). Greene meets a kid in a stadium tunnel after the game. The kid offers Greene a Coke, and the player smiles and gives him a jersey. You’re crying just thinking about it, right?

“TOP 10 WORST SUPERBOWL ADS”

10. FRITO-LAY — Dan Quayle ad (1993): For the national launch of Wavy Lays potato chips, much-ridiculed former Vice-President Quayle makes a cameo, with a joke about his inability to spell “potato.”

What failed: Think back to 1993. Other than Heidi Fleiss and possibly Lorena Bobbitt, was there a worse person to associate with your new product than Dan Quayle?

9. SIERRA-MIST — Bagpipe kilt ad (2004): On a hot day, a kilt-wearing bagpipe player breaks off from a parade and stands above an air conditioning grate — mimicking Marilyn Monroe’s famous scene in “The Seven Year Itch.”

What failed: How in the world is cold air blowing on an out-of-shape sweaty dude’s genitals supposed to make you feel like drinking a lemon-lime beverage? The ad would have made more tactical sense if he was drinking rival beverage Sprite.

8. BUDWEISER — “Upside Down Clown” (2003): A clown with an upside-down suit walks into a bar, orders a Bud Light, and pours the drink into his mouth through an opening between the suit’s legs.

What failed: The only thing that works up less of a thirst less than thinking about a bagpiper’s naughty parts is watching a commercial where a clown appears to drink beer through his buttocks.

7. BUDWEISER — “Bud Bowl VI” (1994): The fake football game between anthropomorphic bottles of Bud and Bud Light returns (again) with more predictable goofiness.

What failed: The Bud Bowl had few good ideas from the start. By Bud Bowl VI the commercials were physically painful to watch – with Marv Albert bleating about the antics of a profanity-spewing, break-dancing giant can. Coaches Mike Ditka and Bum Phillips showed up, looking visibly pained to be involved.

6. DIRT DEVIL — “Fred Astaire” (1997): Special effects allow legendary hoofer Fred Astaire to revisit some old dance moves – except this time his partner is a red vacuum cleaner.

What failed: A dead guy dancing with a vacuum? What’s next? Digging up Steve McQueen’s corpse so he can sell the new Ford Mustang?

4. HOLIDAY INN – Sex change ad (1997): A woman at a high school is revealed to be a man, followed by a poor segue that equates her sex change with Holiday Inn’s recent renovations at its hotels.

What failed: On top of being tasteless and insensitive, the ad made almost no mention of Holiday Inn — which in retrospect might have been a blessing.

3. JUST FOR FEET — Kenyan runner ad (1999): A group of mercenaries in a Humvee chase down a barefoot Kenyan running in Africa, drug him unconscious and force a pair of running shoes on his feet.

What failed: The question is: what about this ad didn’t fail? Critics hated the advertisement, calling it racist and imperialist. Just for Feet later acknowledged it was a horrible mistake.

2. BURGER KING — “Find Herb the Nerd” (1986): Burger King urged customers to find Herb, who was supposedly the only person in America who had never tasted the fast food chain’s hamburgers.

What failed: Audience members hated the annoying actor who played Herb (he looked like a balder Rick Moranis), and showed little interest in searching for him at their neighborhood Burger King – even with money involved. While no statistics could be found to back the claim up, we suspect the commercials inspired a new wave of vegans.

1. APPLE — “Lemmings” (1985): One year after the Macintosh is introduced with one of the best commercials ever, Apple introduces Macintosh Office with an abstract film that included a spooky version of the tune “Heigh-Ho” and office workers jumping off a cliff.

What failed: The advertisement — paired with a one-sided Super Bowl that had the 49ers beating the Dolphins 38-16 — was dark, depressing and more than a bit repulsive.

****

My loyal and dear readers it's finally Friday. 

Whatever your plans are have a stellar Super Bowl weekend.-x

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess

Winter Vaycay: The Sitarist

Cocaine Princess here.

Remember you were telling us moments ago how much you missed her.” This time the Host cradled my head in her bosom while patting my back. Sheesh! I had seen enough bosoms for one day. “Go ahead Princess, ask her the question,” she said and while looking at the host added, “there’s something she’s been dying to ask you about the party.” “What is the question dear?” asked the host. “I....I...um....um.......” I started to stammer.

Tsk, tsk tsk. My mischievous best friend had turned into a little devil that night.

“You remember Princesa - you wanted to know about the opera singer,” said cousin. Because I was looking at The Host I would have loved to see the look on Valentina’s face. I can only imagine she gave another mean look at cousin for coming to my rescue. “Yes, I wanted to know about the opera singer. Who is she? What opera will she be singing from?” I asked. To be honest I have no interest in the opera. The only opera I’ve ever seen and like is “Bugs Bunny: What's Opera, Doc?” The host was more than happy to not only provide me with details about the opera soloist but the sitarist, and the actors . All students had won scholarships to a dramatic arts school on the mainland. Money donated towards the scholarships had been donated by the Host and her husband. She invited the students to Christmas Eve dinner to showcase their talents. I thought it was a very sweet gesture on her part and I guess it explained the theme of the party......although the sitar player still didn’t make much sense. She then focused her attention on the others who all gave brief updates of what was new in their lives. Valentina instead of giving an update decided instead to tattle on the waiter who gave her the brush off. The Host responded back by promising she would have a talk with him. She noticed I was the only one who  wasn’t drinking any champagne.“Why aren’t you drinking the champagne my dear?” I didn’t even have a chance to open my mouth when you know who spoke on my behalf and again mentioned the words Betty and Ford. The host took a hold of my hand and held on to it really tight. “My dear I had no idea, she said. “This is the reason we’ve been absent from your parties. The Princess has been in and out of rehab. She gets better but falls off the wagon very quickly.” All of a sudden a look of sympathy and pity appeared over the host’s face after Valentina little fib. I tried convincing The Host I wasn’t a lush nor had I been in any type of rehabilitation facility and explain why I wasn’t drinking. I don’t know if she believed me or not but I hope she did. She left and continued greeting and meeting with the other guests but not before giving me one more bear like hug. I gave Val another “look” not that it would have made any difference since she was in cheeky-mischievous mode times 10! “I have a good feeling her next fundraiser will be for AA. She might even name a rehab facility after you,” Valentina stated. I let out a sigh and she raised her glass of champagne at me and guzzled it down. I’ll say one thing, unlike me she can hold her liquor.

Without further a due “The Sitarist.”

Oh boy! What can I say about The Sitar Player? Well he, the sitarist came out with his own rug and was barefoot {being barefoot scores 1 point with me}, rolled out his rug and picked up his sitar that was lying to one side, sat down in a lotus position, closed his eyes and because I could see his lips move mumbled something to himself. “What’s he doing?” V asked in a whisper. “I think he’s mediating,” I replied. When he was done he opened his eyes and went from a lotus position to crossing his legs and spoke. The musician requested we all gather around him in a circle and hold hands. Cousin made this remark “If this Ravi Shankar wannabe asks we join him in a chorus of Kumbya I’m splitting.” And then it happened: The case of the giggles and this time it was real bad my lovelies. I mean REALLY bad. I let go of Valentina’s hand and put it over my mouth. I’ve had the bad case of the giggles numerous times before but this time it was a severe case, you know when you laugh so hard your eyes start watering? This is what was happening to me. All I can say is thank God for waterproof mascara. You might be thinking, it’s hardly anything to laugh at but at the time it just was. It was one of those moments where you just had to be there. I excused myself and went into the kitchen {I know it’s the last place you’d probably thought I’d ever go} to calm down. While I was there I saw someone: the waiter. Poor boy’s punishment for ignoring a Princess: loading the dishwasher. When I felt I had regained my composure I returned and rejoined hands with the others. The musician played 4 different pieces. 20 minutes we stood there holding hands in a circle listening to him play the sitar. You know how many seconds are in 20 minutes? I do. 1200 frigging seconds! I worked it out in my head while he played. “I bet you wished you had done those shots now?” said Valentina. Actually what I really wished is that I had a bottle of Advil in my evening clutch. The musician wasn’t very good. He sounded like he was fine tuning a piano. It was painful listening to him play and he was giving me an awful headache. Hmm, then again it could have been the perfume I was forced to inhale against my will. “Do you think he plays requests?” my bf inquired. “Like what? Madonna?” I questioned. “I was thinking more like Hotel Room Service by Pitbull.” “I’m sure that song will go over well with this crowd,” stated cousin. The giggles returned but thankfully I was able to keep it under control.
          
When his performance was over all the dinner guests clapped very loudly, they cheered, hell some even whistled. I think it was because he had finally finished, at least that’s why I was clapping. Following his performance was a brief break before the opera solo. It was funny to see how fast the room cleared out. Most everyone either went to the bar for a drink or disappeared outside to light up a ciggie. Valentina went to the rest room, well at least that’s what she told me. I had a hunch she went into the kitchen to torment the waiter. My slip up for telling her where he was. I returned to where I was sitting before and this is where things got interesting. Really interesting....

To Be Continued......

XOXOXOXO,
Cocaine Princess