Friday, October 5, 2012

The Idiot Wedding Planner: The Wounded Cow

Cocaine Princess here.

To review:

I explained maybe they wanted to add personal touches to the ceremony so it wouldn’t be so informal. I felt a little better now that I had a cup full of ice cubes but they were melting right before my eyes so really all I had was a cup filled with water. Valentina and I took turns taking sips. before the microphone was handed to the maid of honor.

VALENTINA: This ought to be interesting considering she can't even put a full sentence together.  

So how was her singing? Hmm, let's just say if Simon Cowell was looking to audition contestants for World's Worst Singer, Flakey Barbie without a doubt would take home the grand prize. I looked through the progamme and no where was it written there would be a portion where the guests' hearing maybe impaired. Everyone was in awe and I don't mean that in a good way either. She dedicated the song "No Ordinary Love" by Sade to the couple.

VALENTINA: I'm about to wet myself from laughter. Whose name shall not be mentioned must be so proud-- he really picked a winner didn't he? 

Never mind the fact FB was off key but she sounded like she was in pain, to be more specific she sounded like a wounded cow and what was worst she continued looking in the direction of the guests and not at the couple whom the song was for. At that point listening to nails on a chalkboard would have been far more better. My God it was nothing short of a horrific massacre! A nightmare! Valentina kept touching her ears to make sure there wasn’t any blood dripping out. Yeah, her singing was that bad. She sang a capella and it was a damn shame she did, had there been music perhaps her God awful voice would have been drowned out in the background and none of us would have been subject to this horror. When she was done there was an enormous applaud. I think it’s safe to say it was because she was done with her singing. Rather than congratulate the bride and groom she curtsied the guests and then blew a couple of kisses in the direction of “whose name shall not be mentioned.” I got to hand it to FB-- although her singing was beyond awful--- she sang with extreme confidence and was giving off a vibe that said, "I don't care what anyone thinks-- I am the greatest singer in the world!" Why didn't whose name shall not be mentioned invest in hiring her a vocal coach? Why didn't he convince her that singing at the wedding would be a bad idea? Does she not know how bad her voice is? How long do you think it took her to memorize the lyrics? How did she memorize these lyrics- she has a short attention span?  These were all questions Valentina kept asking me. Questions I had no answers for because I didn't care. Okay, I admit I was a tad curious to know the answer to question 4. It then came time for the couple to renew their vows and it was at that moment  my cup of melted ice cube water had become empty. It was okay though, I was thoroughly hydrated. Each had written their own vows and the words they spoke were quite lovely-- at least the parts I heard. You see, Valentina wouldn't stop complaining how The Panamanian kept grossing her out. The back of his shirt was soaked to the max and was sticking to his skin. Each time he raised his hand to wipe his forehead you could see his enormous pit stains. I suggested she focus her attention elsewhere, like the bride or even Flakey Barbie who continued to stare at all her guests.

VALENTINA: What is she {Flakey Barbie} doing?

ME: I hope she’s not thinking “would the guests like an encore?”

I stated the above in a low whisper but apparently not low enough because the guest sitting in front of me turned around and said:

GUEST: Bite your tongue.

To be on the safe side I did and it worked because the ceremony was over and the happy couple kissed. Topless Barbie leaned over and planted a wet one on The Panamanian’s lips.

VALENTINA: She looks like a giraffe feeding its’ young.

The entire wedding party stood up and applauded. We were then instructed by the wedding planner to head inside for cocktails before the reception. Now it was my turn to refer to the wedding planner as an idiot! Seriously, I couldn’t understand why the wedding was outdoors and yet the cocktails and reception was to be held indoors?

VALENTINA: I’ve downgraded my opinion of the wedding planner— from idiot to moron.

Regardless of how we both felt we were relieved to be heading inside and once we were indoors everyone breathed a huge and loud sigh of relief. The wedding planner instructed us to head down the stairs and into “Salon Room A” where the cocktails/reception was going to be. Making our way there we noticed several of the hotel maintenance workers carrying wrenches, plungers and wearing rubber boots pass by us. The stairs leading to “Salon Room A” was roped off. The Panamanian demanded to know why and looked at the wedding planner for an answer. Guess what? She didn’t have an answer. Big shock! Fortunately one of the maintenance workers did. And oh boy, it wasn’t good.

A pipe had burst and the cocktail/reception room was ankle deep in water.

To be Continued.


It’s the 1st long weekend of Autumn for us. On Monday we celebrate “Thanksgiving” A celebration of being thankful for what one has and the bounty of the preceding year.

I am truly thankful and grateful for so many wonderful things in my life.

Embedded image permalink 
Also, did you know today is "James Bond Day." Commenting today, Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli, producers of SKYFALL, said, “We are absolutely thrilled to be celebrating James Bond’s golden anniversary on film with this special day of events for Bond fans around the world.” 

Singer Adele will be singing the theme song for the latest James Bond film, Skyfall. Click here to listen.


My loyal and dear readers, it's finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a fantastic 1st weekend of October. ~x

Cocaine Princess 


Miss Stormy Marples said...

Cocaine Princess--

I so want to read this blog but my eyes hurt. I am too tired from the drama that happened at work today. Quietly, I cried three times today as to relieve the pressure that seems to be my work world (day job). I got a message from Director to come to her office Monday. She said she wants to explain what happened today. It was very ugly and unfair. She said it was not my fault in any way some saw an opportunity and used me basically. I can't even explain it. Mentally I am unavailable right now.

Soon she said u will be back with us. Meaning her unit. She and I r close. She is a very kind and fair woman. Three years ago she was transferred to the office I am currently in when an investigation took place. I was the victim in a sexual harassment case. I believe she was placed there for my protection. It was an ugly three months. It was awful. U might wander what the hell is going on. So do I. It is not fun at all.

I will read ur post tomorrow morning.

Nite nite

Anonymous said...

Don't like it. Adele is overrated.

Miss Stormy Marples said...

U had me laughing just now. I haven't laughed in days. My mouth fell open when I read the reception room was ankle deep in water. Oh my--

I can't wait to hear what happens next. I hope u don't make us wait until next week.

Things better today. Rumors are flying over the departments. People from all over are coming over and saying "R u leaving and going to so and so unit?" They appear to be shocked. I'm wondering who let the cat out the bag. Wow!!! Apparently, my life story is exciting to people. There was drama this week all because of this transfer and my transcribing skills. It was RIDICULOUS. They have not even officially given me the written paperwork about the transfer and you don't assume u r gone until u get that paperwork. Well, the "beyotch" can kiss my bum goodbye. Both "beyotches". One of my coworkers has been crying about me leaving. I'm like I will just be one flight upstairs. My detectives they are looking at me like something is up but soon they will know or they do know but we r not talking about it. The Captain is totally treating me differently today. Fickle people. He was an bum yesterday. Today he is all like my best friend. I don't trust that poo poo. My supervisor has not talked to me now for three days. Very professional wouldn't u say. I'm so done with her. I still always do my job cuz they will write u up in a New York minute. Today I feel free. It's not happened yet. But already the other unit said they are waiting on me to come back to them. I was up there in 2002 and 2003. It almost sounds like I'm returning home after something traumatic to my mom's loving arms. They are waiting for me they said.

I woke up this morning with pink eye. Yucko. I didn't know it at the time decided to stay at day job but already called into Coffeehouse and said u really don't want me there with my pink eye. So I am going and getting Buttons and we are going walking down by the river and then I'm going home and getting in bed. I have fudge popsicles for my throat. Plenty of food and drink. And a good book to read. And of course what I love most--my Buttons. We are gonna curl up in bed and and sleep, sleep sleep. He's a good napper.

Ur stories always make me laugh or cry. Thanks for the laugh today. I wish I could be a little fly on the wall at some of these adventures of yours.

StormyDawn and Buttons

Miss Stormy Marples said...

Oh I meant to say I am looking forward to watching "Skyfall" at the movies. Thanks for the video of Adele. It will get me in the mood to watch the show.

Also, love the Peanuts Thanksgiving pic. I love them.

StormyDawn and Buttons

Cocaine Princess said...

Miss Stormy Marples,

Glad you're feeling better.

I'm looking forward to Skyfall too!

Miss Stormy Marples said...

I feel free.

Laughing--I have been laughing all day. It feels good to be laughing. My guys are laughing too wtih me today. They don't like their girls to be unhappy. It will be somewhat sad to leave them but I am going to another set of detectives. I will miss them. The time has come to go though. The writing has been on the wall for a long time now. I tolerated it for as long as I could. I am leaving my ex-boyfriend behind as well. His eyes are sad. I told him now we can have lunch dates instead before I was constrained because of time. I tell u it is not fun to be fought over. Truly it is not. But I know it was God's will cuz this unit came to me and asked me if I would be willing to come back. Then the fighting started. The ugliness.

I so ready for a nappie poo. One more hour and then I will take Buttons walking and then we will nap.

Skyfall looks like it is gonna be a good movie. I might go see Possession or Taken 2 this weekend.

Need to go get my two pumpkins. One for me and one for Buttons. I'll spray paint it with silver glitter. They look so pretty. Just a touch of glitter. Not too much. I'll have to take a picture and post it. Got two manicures this week. One the color just would not grow on me so I had to get change it. I couldn't stand it any longer. I needed to be babied yesterday and Cindy, my manicurist took care of me. It is good when people care. And I will return the favor too at the Coffeehouse. U never know when ur kindness or smile will brighten someone's bad day. Yesterday a young man at a BBQ place where I ate supper at kept waiting on me and he took very good care of me. It was self-serve so he really had no obligation to take care of me but he kept coming over to my table and saying "Is there anything u need?" I needed Ketchup. And he said let me go get that for u. I let him. Normally, I would say no I'll get it since it was a self-serve place. I was so tired so I asked him would u mind terribly. And he said no not at all. So very tired mentally yesterday. And he just kept smiling at me. I can't tell u how he lifted my spirits with his kindness and smile. And I said remember that when u are at Coffeehouse. Remember u might turn someone's day around.

U r such a good listener. I appreciate it greatly. U don't know how much it has meant to me.

Kiss kiss hug hug ruff ruff :0)

StormyDawn and Buttons