The Idiot Wedding Planner: The Wounded Cow

Cocaine Princess here.

To review:

I explained maybe they wanted to add personal touches to the ceremony so it wouldn’t be so informal. I felt a little better now that I had a cup full of ice cubes but they were melting right before my eyes so really all I had was a cup filled with water. Valentina and I took turns taking sips. before the microphone was handed to the maid of honor.

VALENTINA: This ought to be interesting considering she can't even put a full sentence together.  

So how was her singing? Hmm, let's just say if Simon Cowell was looking to audition contestants for World's Worst Singer, Flakey Barbie without a doubt would take home the grand prize. I looked through the progamme and no where was it written there would be a portion where the guests' hearing maybe impaired. Everyone was in awe and I don't mean that in a good way either. She dedicated the song "No Ordinary Love" by Sade to the couple.

VALENTINA: I'm about to wet myself from laughter. Whose name shall not be mentioned must be so proud-- he really picked a winner didn't he? 

Never mind the fact FB was off key but she sounded like she was in pain, to be more specific she sounded like a wounded cow and what was worst she continued looking in the direction of the guests and not at the couple whom the song was for. At that point listening to nails on a chalkboard would have been far more better. My God it was nothing short of a horrific massacre! A nightmare! Valentina kept touching her ears to make sure there wasn’t any blood dripping out. Yeah, her singing was that bad. She sang a capella and it was a damn shame she did, had there been music perhaps her God awful voice would have been drowned out in the background and none of us would have been subject to this horror. When she was done there was an enormous applaud. I think it’s safe to say it was because she was done with her singing. Rather than congratulate the bride and groom she curtsied the guests and then blew a couple of kisses in the direction of “whose name shall not be mentioned.” I got to hand it to FB-- although her singing was beyond awful--- she sang with extreme confidence and was giving off a vibe that said, "I don't care what anyone thinks-- I am the greatest singer in the world!" Why didn't whose name shall not be mentioned invest in hiring her a vocal coach? Why didn't he convince her that singing at the wedding would be a bad idea? Does she not know how bad her voice is? How long do you think it took her to memorize the lyrics? How did she memorize these lyrics- she has a short attention span?  These were all questions Valentina kept asking me. Questions I had no answers for because I didn't care. Okay, I admit I was a tad curious to know the answer to question 4. It then came time for the couple to renew their vows and it was at that moment  my cup of melted ice cube water had become empty. It was okay though, I was thoroughly hydrated. Each had written their own vows and the words they spoke were quite lovely-- at least the parts I heard. You see, Valentina wouldn't stop complaining how The Panamanian kept grossing her out. The back of his shirt was soaked to the max and was sticking to his skin. Each time he raised his hand to wipe his forehead you could see his enormous pit stains. I suggested she focus her attention elsewhere, like the bride or even Flakey Barbie who continued to stare at all her guests.

VALENTINA: What is she {Flakey Barbie} doing?

ME: I hope she’s not thinking “would the guests like an encore?”

I stated the above in a low whisper but apparently not low enough because the guest sitting in front of me turned around and said:

GUEST: Bite your tongue.

To be on the safe side I did and it worked because the ceremony was over and the happy couple kissed. Topless Barbie leaned over and planted a wet one on The Panamanian’s lips.

VALENTINA: She looks like a giraffe feeding its’ young.

The entire wedding party stood up and applauded. We were then instructed by the wedding planner to head inside for cocktails before the reception. Now it was my turn to refer to the wedding planner as an idiot! Seriously, I couldn’t understand why the wedding was outdoors and yet the cocktails and reception was to be held indoors?

VALENTINA: I’ve downgraded my opinion of the wedding planner— from idiot to moron.

Regardless of how we both felt we were relieved to be heading inside and once we were indoors everyone breathed a huge and loud sigh of relief. The wedding planner instructed us to head down the stairs and into “Salon Room A” where the cocktails/reception was going to be. Making our way there we noticed several of the hotel maintenance workers carrying wrenches, plungers and wearing rubber boots pass by us. The stairs leading to “Salon Room A” was roped off. The Panamanian demanded to know why and looked at the wedding planner for an answer. Guess what? She didn’t have an answer. Big shock! Fortunately one of the maintenance workers did. And oh boy, it wasn’t good.

A pipe had burst and the cocktail/reception room was ankle deep in water.

To be Continued.

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It’s the 1st long weekend of Autumn for us. On Monday we celebrate “Thanksgiving” A celebration of being thankful for what one has and the bounty of the preceding year.

I am truly thankful and grateful for so many wonderful things in my life.

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Also, did you know today is "James Bond Day." Commenting today, Michael G. Wilson and Barbara Broccoli, producers of SKYFALL, said, “We are absolutely thrilled to be celebrating James Bond’s golden anniversary on film with this special day of events for Bond fans around the world.” 

Singer Adele will be singing the theme song for the latest James Bond film, Skyfall. Click here to listen.

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My loyal and dear readers, it's finally Friday.

Whatever your plans are have a fantastic 1st weekend of October. ~x

XOXOXOXO,

Cocaine Princess